How can I let go of “blame”? Is it bad to blame the abuser / abuser’s enablers?

[QuirkyTofurkey]

I’m confused about how to go about this. I’d welcome anyone’s input here.

My therapist (EMDR) noticed today that the word “blame” has been coming up during our most recent session. He tried to explain about how “blame” isn’t very helpful here. I was sexually abused at 8 years old by an older sibling; my mother (and possibly also my father) knew and didn’t do much about it. As an adult when I confronted my mother she told me that I “asked for it” and my father gets annoyed that I can’t just “get over it”. They’re both still close to my abuser (despite suspecting that he may be abusing his daughter now too) and they continue to heavily finance and support him, while calling me “dramatic” or “sensitive” for wanting and needing boundaries from him.

For years I thought my trauma was relatively “straightforward” - that it’s about my sexual abuse and abuser, so I struggle with trust, intimacy, nightmares, depression, etc. But as of late my therapist helped me understand that it’s not just about the sexual abuse, but also (or maybe more importantly) about how my narcissistic parents & family system "created the environment for the sexual abuse to happen".

So lately I’m working through a lot of delayed anger towards my family. Anger about the past (knowing about the sexual abuse and choosing to look away) and anger about the present (continuing to support my abuser today). I’m also still processing my own self-blame and hoping to get to a point where I don’t automatically blame myself.

I know that finding someone else to blame is not the goal of therapy or EMDR. It’s not my goal either. But I can’t understand how I can go from self-blame, guilt, shame, etc. over my sexual abuse to then acceptance that family systems are just complicated and sometimes abuse “happens” and it’s no one’s “fault”.

It’s especially difficult to get to that mindset when my therapist had previously said that my narcissistic family “created the environment” for the sexual abuse to happen.

I’m feeling stuck, because right now I DO feel justified in blaming my parents (obviously only to a certain extent). I don’t actually blame them for the sexual abuse. But I do blame them for how they handled it: telling me that I was asking for it, refusing to stop financing/supporting my abuser today, and continuing to gaslight or threaten me if I indicate that I won’t be silent. I’m sure they have their own trauma but I don’t think it excuses their behavior and choices.

Maybe I’m using the word “blame” incorrectly, when really what I’m trying to get at is “accountability” or “responsibility”? But overall I am struggling to understand how to go from self-blame to a mindset of “family systems are complex and sexual abuse can happen so the idea of “blame” isn’t helpful” without at least a temporary stopover at blaming my abuser and my abuser’s enablers (my parents).

 

[somerandomguy]

I think it's OK to blame your family. It's definitely healthier, and much closer to reality, than blaming yourself.

 

[Movingforward10]

I shifted from 'blame' to 'accountability and responsiblity'.

I also identify with a lot of what you wrote and expressed in terms of feelings.

For me, blame is linked to anger. And anger can keep us (or at least me) in a defensive mode and victim mindset. And , I can only speak for me, when I went (painfully) under that anger and connected with the total distress of what happened (the abuse and the emotional abandonment from family, which adds to the trauma in the terms of relational trauma), then I was able to heal
Anger has an energy to it. It's productive. And it feels safe. It helps with the sense of injustice.
But, going underneath that, is all the distress. And there is no energy in that. Not for me anyway. And it's very hard to work through that. But possible.
Don't know if that makes sense.

I hold my parents accountable for failing to protect me. Whether out of inability or lack of care. Whether with intent or no intent. I don't know their reasons. But the reasons don't matter as they had a duty of care and couldn't meet that duty.
I get angry at times but mostly anger isn't there anymore. Just acceptance.

I also hold the people who raped/assaulted me accountable. They knew what they were doing and chose those actions.

Also, I absolutely don't blame me anymore! Not one bit. Which is a lovely amazing state to get to.

Sounds a really important discussion to help with your healing.

 

[arfie]

inside my own recovery, the problem i have had with blame, accountability, justice, etc., is focus. public knowledge of how a leg was broken will not heal the leg, nor manage the symptoms of a badly healed leg. healing is an inside job. only i can accomplish it, regardless of how the trauma occurred. letting myself get caught up in any variant of the blame game only diverts valuable resource from the important job of healing.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case.

 

[sidptitala]

I completely relate to what you are talking about and think laying blame in the right place is an important aid to recovery. I also think that many cultures propagandise forgiveness and it can lead to mental tricks where people are desperate to find a way to forgive awful things because we don't feel like we have other options available to us (but we do).

lately I’m working through a lot of delayed anger towards my family. Anger about the past (knowing about the sexual abuse and choosing to look away) and anger about the present (continuing to support my abuser today)

I know that finding someone else to blame is not the goal of therapy or EMDR. It’s not my goal either. But I can’t understand how I can go from self-blame, guilt, shame, etc. over my sexual abuse to then acceptance that family systems are just complicated and sometimes abuse “happens” and it’s no one’s “fault”

I am struggling to understand how to go from self-blame to a mindset of “family systems are complex and sexual abuse can happen so the idea of “blame” isn’t helpful” without at least a temporary stopover at blaming my abuser and my abuser’s enablers (my parents).

^All of this is important and doesn't need to be rushed or packed away. Unless your anger is hurting you and you actively want to get rid of it- I don't see why you ever have to. If its appropriate, directed at the right people (which from your description it 100% is) why does it ever need to go away?

 

[Ubergirl]

I’m confused about how to go about this. I’d welcome anyone’s input here.

My therapist (EMDR) noticed today that the word “blame” has been coming up during our most recent session. He tried to explain about how “blame” isn’t very helpful here. I was sexually abused at 8 years old by an older sibling; my mother (and possibly also my father) knew and didn’t do much about it. As an adult when I confronted my mother she told me that I “asked for it” and my father gets annoyed that I can’t just “get over it”. They’re both still close to my abuser (despite suspecting that he may be abusing his daughter now too) and they continue to heavily finance and support him, while calling me “dramatic” or “sensitive” for wanting and needing boundaries from him.

For years I thought my trauma was relatively “straightforward” - that it’s about my sexual abuse and abuser, so I struggle with trust, intimacy, nightmares, depression, etc. But as of late my therapist helped me understand that it’s not just about the sexual abuse, but also (or maybe more importantly) about how my narcissistic parents & family system "created the environment for the sexual abuse to happen".

So lately I’m working through a lot of delayed anger towards my family. Anger about the past (knowing about the sexual abuse and choosing to look away) and anger about the present (continuing to support my abuser today). I’m also still processing my own self-blame and hoping to get to a point where I don’t automatically blame myself.

I know that finding someone else to blame is not the goal of therapy or EMDR. It’s not my goal either. But I can’t understand how I can go from self-blame, guilt, shame, etc. over my sexual abuse to then acceptance that family systems are just complicated and sometimes abuse “happens” and it’s no one’s “fault”.

It’s especially difficult to get to that mindset when my therapist had previously said that my narcissistic family “created the environment” for the sexual abuse to happen.

I’m feeling stuck, because right now I DO feel justified in blaming my parents (obviously only to a certain extent). I don’t actually blame them for the sexual abuse. But I do blame them for how they handled it: telling me that I was asking for it, refusing to stop financing/supporting my abuser today, and continuing to gaslight or threaten me if I indicate that I won’t be silent. I’m sure they have their own trauma but I don’t think it excuses their behavior and choices.

Maybe I’m using the word “blame” incorrectly, when really what I’m trying to get at is “accountability” or “responsibility”? But overall I am struggling to understand how to go from self-blame to a mindset of “family systems are complex and sexual abuse can happen so the idea of “blame” isn’t helpful” without at least a temporary stopover at blaming my abuser and my abuser’s enablers (my parents).

I disagree with your T.
I'm sure he/she is trying to help you but you have to let yourself be ANGRY otherwise it will eat away at you.
Is it so bad that for maybe 6 months you are in blame mode? In my opinion, no. Because of your "parents" doing F ALL to protect you, and supporting that POS sibling, all the blame was on you. They allowed you, a kid, to blame yourself!!! Just think about that for minute. I'm not going to write the choice words to describe them here
Heap all that blame, where it belongs. On them. Get every bit of blame off you and onto them and their evil spawn.
If it helps, picture you physically removing this heavy burden you've been carrying and throw it at their faces where it has always belonged. They don't deserve to be called mum and dad, I don't know the whole story but if my parents had the AUDACITY to blame me for sexual abuse they knew their sick, cross-eyed, troll son committed to their younger child--- I would go no contact so quick. Drop their sick asses like a hot potato. Them victim blaming you and minimising the incest sexual abuse, is SO not healthy for you
Seeing them supporting your abuser isn't healthy for you. You deserve to be raging white hot angry like a MFer right now!!! I am for you!

Suppressing your anger won't help. Get it out, tell your T that you've blamed yourself for so long and haven't been allowed to be angry. You're dealing with some realisations that your immediate family are scum and have allowed this abuse to happen to you. F THEM!

Write them a letter telling them what you think about them, F them up. You don't have to send the letter but it may help you understand yourself, feelings, family dynamics etc.
I'm not a huge fan of writing a diary etc but writing to somebody exactly how I feel and knowing I don't have to send it has really helped me. Big hugs, I hope you have a support system xx

 

[Ubergirl]

Anytime those MFers call you dramatic or sensitive, you should say "You mean I'm being sensitive about the INCEST? the SEXUAL ABUSE you knew he was doing to me and did nothing to protect me from? Why did you allow my brother to molest me and commit incest mum? Was incest in your family too? Is that why you let him abuse me?

When she flips out and calls you sick/crazy just keep calm and keep saying
"sorry I can see you're upset about me bringing up the incest you allowed to happen to me. I'm just trying to understand why a mother would let her oldest child sexually abuse her younger kid. I thought perhaps you had incest in your family since you were happy to let it continue"

Stay calm while they implode then say I'm sorry, perhaps we can get to the bottom of this when you calm down :)

Be prepared for the fallout, they'll most likely make it all your fault but the good news is anyone with a brain will see them making a fool of themselves and think they're sickos

 

[Muttly]

I agree with the others. Anger towards abusers and enablers is a reasonable part of the process of healing.

I am curious why your therapist thinks blame isn't helpful? How do they feel it's impacting your healing process? Sometimes talking through those things with your T can lead to really good healing even if you don't come to agreement

 

[Friday]

For years I thought my trauma was relatively “straightforward” - that it’s about my sexual abuse and abuser, so I struggle with trust, intimacy, nightmares, depression, etc. But as of late my therapist helped me understand that it’s not just about the sexual abuse, but also (or maybe more importantly) about how my narcissistic parents & family system "created the environment for the sexual abuse to happen".

PTSD in and of itself is fairly straightforward. Trauma, otoh? <low whistle> Gets seeeeeriously complicated!

Maybe I’m using the word “blame” incorrectly, when really what I’m trying to get at is “accountability” or “responsibility”? But overall I am struggling to understand how to go from self-blame to a mindset of “family systems are complex and sexual abuse can happen so the idea of “blame” isn’t helpful” without at least a temporary stopover at blaming my abuser and my abuser’s enablers (my parents).

It’s pretty natural to move from blaming yourself to… okay, if it’s not my fault, whose fault IS it?

And there can definitely be a time when parsing fault/blame/responsibility is both helpful & even necessary.

HOWEVER? To answer your Q as to when it isn’t helpful… let’s switch traumas for a moment.

Someone has PTSD from a multiple fatality car crash. (If MVAs are in your trauma history? Pick, literally, any other trauma that isn’t.)

- They’re told they need surgery >>> But it wasn’t my fault! It was the other drivers fault!
- They’re told they need physical therapy >>> But it wasn’t my fault! It was the other driver’s fault!
- They’re told they need trauma therapy >>> But it wasn’t my fault! It was the other driver’s fault!
- They need to find new work >>> But it wasn’t my fault! It was the other driver’s fault!
- They need to find a new living situation >>> But it wasn’t my fault! It was the other driver’s fault!

See how focusing on fault/blame/responsibility is almost non-sequitur, it has so little to do with the situation at hand???

And, yet? When dealing with PTSD a whooooooole lotta people get “stuck” focusing on fault/blame. Whether they’re blaming themselves, or someone else.

- Blaming someone else almost always pairs with “I shouldn’t have to” (and either outright balking/refusal, or bitter/angry half-assed false starts, or despairing apathy and spiraling depression);

- Blaming one’s self almost always pairs with “I don’t deserve” (and cutting one’s self off from necessary/beneficial ABC-XYZ under soooo many different auspices; punishment, self sabotage, panic, disbelief, rage, mistrust, grief, etc., etc., etc.)

…But there’s an almost infinite number of possible pairings. Those are just 2 of the most common, along with their oh so predictable fallout. And NONE of them? Are helpful/useful/relevant to the list up above! At all. Even though emotional reasoning will scream -or whisper- it’s vital, absolutely vital, and everything hinges on it. And the list? Doesn’t happen, or kinda sorta happens eventually, or, or, or… but whilst under the battering of unrelated/trauma-fueld/emotion-driven symptoms making easy things hard, and hard things harder. Until? One either processes through all the trauma fueling it, or can take emotions out of the drivers seat to see rationally. <<< That acceptance piece your T was talking about. Happens a lot faster than fully processing trauma, when one is talking complex trauma. So one gets to live better, sooner.

Does that make sense? It’s not that fault has no import, or isn’t helpful full stop, but that the focus/application/fallout so often gets sooooo screwed up once PTSD joins the party.

 

[E.G.T]

I think that the most important thing is to first realize that you are not to blame for someone else's actions towards you. I've definitely gotten stuck in the blame cycle, trying to figure out who is the cause for my suffering. Sometimes I blame myself. Sometimes I blame the people who abused me. For me, I felt that healing was dependent on figuring out who the cause was. I ended up just being stuck in an endless cycle of trying to figure out who the blame belonged to without focusing on healing from what happened to me. I think that is the key here: focusing on what happened, how that made me feel, how it affects me today, and how I can heal.

When it comes to anger:
For myself, I get lost in anger because it covers up the hurt I feel underneath. The hurt makes me feel vulnerable, and I don't want to feel it. I'm still early on my recovery journey, but I think that if I slowly start to address the underlying pain, I will be able to give myself what I really need.

 

[leafytrees]

Maybe I’m using the word “blame” incorrectly, when really what I’m trying to get at is “accountability” or “responsibility”? But overall I am struggling to understand how to go from self-blame to a mindset of “family systems are complex and sexual abuse can happen so the idea of “blame” isn’t helpful” without at least a temporary stopover at blaming my abuser and my abuser’s enablers (my parents).

Yep, I think you've hit the nail on the head there really. I think blame can only really be called unhelpful if it's used as a way of avoiding our responsibility as adults in the present day to accept our circumstances and work on ourselves. This really doesn't sound like the case in your situation though. I think you're identifying that the responsibility for what happened to you as a vulnerable child lies with your family and you're quite rightly feeling a lot of anger over that (which I would imagine you had to suppress when you were still reliant on your family).

As someone with a freeze/fawn (people pleasing) trauma response who wasn't allowed any boundaries as a child, it's personally been immensely important for me to learn how to healthily feel and process my anger. It's helped me identify that I'm not 'bad' and that other people's shame (those who turned a blind eye or perpetuated the abuse) belongs to them and isn't mine to carry. I believe anger's a part of the grieving process and can be such a powerful force of self protection. It's actually only through being angry at my parents and grieving the unfairness of their actions and neglect that I've then been able to clear that old energy and accept their limitations.

Just to add too, something I've found comes up a fair amount when researching mental and emotional health is that quite a lot of advice is directed at people who might genuinely have trouble contraining their anger and could well benefit from working on managing it and letting certain things go. I personally only started to identify feeling angry in my early 30s and only ever directed it internally, assuming I was always the problem, so I think there are those of us who need to go the other way entirely and learn to feel and express it. I think Lindsay C. Gibson explains this pretty well:

“Because anger is an expression of individuality, it’s the emotion that emotionally immature parents most often punish their children for having. But anger can be a helpful emotion because it gives people energy to do things differently and lets them see themselves as worthy of sticking up for. It’s often a good sign when overly responsible, anxious, or depressed people begin to be consciously aware of feeling angry. It indicates that their true self is coming to the fore and that they’re beginning to care about themselves.” - Lindsay C. Gibson

 

[sidptitala]

Just to add too, something I've found comes up a fair amount when researching mental and emotional health is that quite a lot of advice is directed at people who might genuinely have trouble contraining their anger and could well benefit from working on managing it and letting certain things go. I personally only started to identify feeling angry in my early 30s and only ever directed it internally, assuming I was always the problem, so I think there are those of us who need to go the other way entirely and learn to feel and express it

Yes, 100% this.