How can I let go of “blame”? Is it bad to blame the abuser / abuser’s enablers?

[Lost in the Woods]

Ok, this will open a can of worms, I feel compassion towards my abuser (mother). She was in and out of mental institutions, getting shock treatments and was an alcoholic drug addict. She probably had the same genetic neurological condition I have and was just told it was all in her head and they treated her with happy pills. The neuro condition I have was not even named when she was alive. After numerous suicide attempts, some of which I witnessed, she finally was successful.

My feelings towards her have evolved to where they have been for the last decade, compassion. I have no idea what made her the way she was but the medical treatment was barbaric.

Now my dad is a different story. What could he have been thinking leaving kids with a known dangerous person? I really can’t fathom any excuse for ignoring the danger present. Maybe someday I will understand it better.

 

[Captain Barnacles]

Blaming people for things they've done is fine.

It seems odd to me that it would ever even be questioned.

 

[thursday]

I feel for you. You are not to blame. You were 8 years old when the abuse began, a child.. I was 11. Neither you or I did ask for it.

 

[shimmerz]

My experience has been that much of the dysfunction of trauma is caused by the victim's mind's inability to properly assign responsibility to evil being imparted upon me. How many of us work for years at learning how to NOT blame ourselves for the perpetrators twisted actions?

You were 8 and
1. Your brother was knowingly given free access to violate your body.
2. You were gaslit and told that you wanted him to do so (asking for it)

And currently
1. Stop being such a whiny baby so I don't have to hear about the f*cked up things that I allowed your brother to do to you
2. Stop asserting your right to have boundaries
3. Nobody abused you. STFU. Sit down. Shut up about it already.

Ever hung out with an 8 year old? Ever met one that was 'asking' to be violated sexually?

I would have some pretty strong words for that therapist. Just who should you be blaming or giving responsiblity to for this heinous crime against you? If not to the perpetrators then to who? I would really want to talk this out because this was not an innocent crime against you.

Just my opinion. Please forgive the posting -- this looking the other way when children are raped disgusts me. Honestly, the fact that your therapist is as well asking you to not assign blame seems reprehensible to me but I may be misunderstanding what the intention is from him. I would need this cleared up before I went back to said therapist.

 

[savageselkie]

I’m confused about how to go about this. I’d welcome anyone’s input here.

My therapist (EMDR) noticed today that the word “blame” has been coming up during our most recent session. He tried to explain about how “blame” isn’t very helpful here. I was sexually abused at 8 years old by an older sibling; my mother (and possibly also my father) knew and didn’t do much about it. As an adult when I confronted my mother she told me that I “asked for it” and my father gets annoyed that I can’t just “get over it”. They’re both still close to my abuser (despite suspecting that he may be abusing his daughter now too) and they continue to heavily finance and support him, while calling me “dramatic” or “sensitive” for wanting and needing boundaries from him.

For years I thought my trauma was relatively “straightforward” - that it’s about my sexual abuse and abuser, so I struggle with trust, intimacy, nightmares, depression, etc. But as of late my therapist helped me understand that it’s not just about the sexual abuse, but also (or maybe more importantly) about how my narcissistic parents & family system "created the environment for the sexual abuse to happen".

So lately I’m working through a lot of delayed anger towards my family. Anger about the past (knowing about the sexual abuse and choosing to look away) and anger about the present (continuing to support my abuser today). I’m also still processing my own self-blame and hoping to get to a point where I don’t automatically blame myself.

I know that finding someone else to blame is not the goal of therapy or EMDR. It’s not my goal either. But I can’t understand how I can go from self-blame, guilt, shame, etc. over my sexual abuse to then acceptance that family systems are just complicated and sometimes abuse “happens” and it’s no one’s “fault”.

It’s especially difficult to get to that mindset when my therapist had previously said that my narcissistic family “created the environment” for the sexual abuse to happen.

I’m feeling stuck, because right now I DO feel justified in blaming my parents (obviously only to a certain extent). I don’t actually blame them for the sexual abuse. But I do blame them for how they handled it: telling me that I was asking for it, refusing to stop financing/supporting my abuser today, and continuing to gaslight or threaten me if I indicate that I won’t be silent. I’m sure they have their own trauma but I don’t think it excuses their behavior and choices.

Maybe I’m using the word “blame” incorrectly, when really what I’m trying to get at is “accountability” or “responsibility”? But overall I am struggling to understand how to go from self-blame to a mindset of “family systems are complex and sexual abuse can happen so the idea of “blame” isn’t helpful” without at least a temporary stopover at blaming my abuser and my abuser’s enablers (my parents).

It is a healthy and valid response to move from blaming yourself to blaming the people responsible for taking care of you and protecting you. They didn’t do their job and you can go on blaming whoever you want, even if it isn’t helpful. Do what feels aligned for you and helps you heal and tell your therapist to stuff it, if you want. Maybe you know what’s best for you?