You are not alone. Obviously, though, I'm going to tell you not to do it, and there are plenty of reasons not to. The first reason, and the most important one, is that even if we don't really matter (and yeah, in the grand scheme of things, we don't), there is always someone out there we could be helping. It's hard to see when you're in a dark place, these dark places have a tendency to blur reality. But there is always someone you could make a difference for. I realize this sounds like preaching, and I hate preaching just as much as everyone else, but in my darkest hours, when I sat with a bottle of Drano in a bathtub for hours, trying to get the nerve to drink it because I thought I should be dead -- the only thought that got me out of it was the realization that there are millions of people the whole world over suffering terribly, with much worse situations than my own. And they would still be here, even if i died, and their suffering would likely not even being heard. Little girls in Syria or Iraq getting gangraped or brutalized, people witnessing their families being butchered in war zones -- you name it, there is someone out there in tremendous pain. Can we save them? No. But we can try to remember that there is such a thing as warmth. At some point down the line, there may be a perfect stranger in a very dark place. It might just be someone you pass at a bus stop or see in a bar, someone lost, someone hurting. You may never know their name. But just by smiling at them, or asking them if they're okay -- you can make a difference, you can remind them that there is warmth in the world. Now, when I think about suicide, that thought is my little prayer. It helps me, it puts things in perspective. Sure, you could kill yourself. Maybe it would bring you peace. But wouldn't you rather fight back and try to put a little bit of warmth back into the world? Think about suicide all you want, unlike many therapists, I believe fantasizing about it can give you a sense of control over your own life that you feel you've lost. But try to remember that the world isn't as dark as this gloom over your head makes it seem, at least if you remember to see the light sometimes. It sounds cliched, but it's true.
