Sufferer Can Someone Please Help Me. (very Complex Situation)

[Deleted member 28862]

Umm, I am in need of help, I'm very hurt by a friend of mine. I have ptsd from rape and it cause me to be androphobic as well. I was molested at the age of 8 and repeatedly raped from the 6th to the 8th grade by two older cousins of mine. My father witnessed it happen and told me not to let it happen again, to this day I still don't know what he meant but this and even though I tried it still happened multiple times.

I am now 20 and maybe it's because I've been looking for a father figure I get involved with older than me, I got really close to this guy who is 34, the first time we ever spent the day together he force himself on me, and even though I told him to stop and forced him out of me twice and that what he was doing hurt he didn't stop. Now here was are, I'm telling my friend about it (24) and he reveals that he really like me (and all that jazz) clearly I'm not interested in love at all at this point. We keep in contact a lot, soon he started to become more physical and want to kiss me alot, I told him I'm very uncomfortable with that, he stops and sometimes get angry at me not wanting any type of physical contact. Eventually we started to speak less and less.

Last night I messaged him asking why is it that we don't talk anymore. He goes off on how our conversations are always about me, and when he asks to do hang out or to see me I turn him down and that it's frustrating. I turn him down because I'm afraid of what he'll do, he said that he would try anything before and I trusted him but he still tried so I stop physically seeing him. He says that he can't be himself around me and has o watch what he says because I freak out or stop talking to him. I have lots of male friends and the kind of physical contact we have is fine with me because its never ever sexual, I can talk about sex and raunchy topics fine with them but they way he talks and acts makes me uncomfortable because it triggers horrible memories, and it always feels like he's forcing me to do something. He said the worst thing I have ever heard someone tell me in my life. He told me that I was being selfish and that I only care about myself.

I'm an introvert, I live in my own mind constantly, but i don't become blind at what is happening around me, i'm more aware of my surroundings than anyone i;m with at that time. I'm always caring for my friends and family, if they ask me for something i give it to them with even thinking of a getting something in return. I volunteer, I help when people ask me to and I'm always there to listen to someone if they just want to vent to an unbiased ear.

But because HE always makes the conversations about me I'm the one that's selfish, I always ask about him, his day, how his baby is doing, i'm always caring for him but he called me selfish. He thinks because he's had an ex the was raped he's a freaking expert, that girl and I are 1000% different and our experience is everything about us is different, hell I don't even know her.

He told me because I don't want to have a baby or sacrifice to be with him because he has one I'm selfish, he didn't take the time out to ask WHY I think that way. If I can't mentally, physically and emotionally take care of myself how can I raise a child. Honestly it feels like he really doesn't care and it really hurts. I've been suicidal and depressed ever since I was 16. I hate myself I hate the way I look I hate the way people perceive me to be because I'm black. I always feel like I can never win, he says it's as if I want people to treat me bad. I hate when guys come on to me because they just don't know and when things get serious they always hurt me. I'm so sick and tired of this. I can never look anyone in the eye when talking, I can't stomach talking to me dad or feel safe being alone with him. In the past 2 weeks I've gotten 6 hours of sleep because nightmares always keep me up or I just can't get to sleep. I cry almost every night because of my past.

He says that I need to "get over it" and that I'm being selfish because I use my past to scare guys away. He told me I need to have sex so that I can "get over it". This isn't like I feel down off my bicycle in front of a crowd. The people I trusted as a child abused me and now I always feel like who ever I get close to and trust is going to hurt me. Every time someone hurts me when I start to trust them and I'm the one that ends up crying and feeling miserable. It's so hard to be around people everyday, but everyone thinks i'm anti-social. I feel faint when I'm surrounded by people. Is there something wrong with me? I have a weak immune system, I'm always sick, I have a spinal deformity that hurts all day everyday, i have anemia and asthma, it's so hard just to live. I don't like myself but everyone just ignores me.

I feel so guilty, i now that i could have been killed and I feel like i shouldn't be here, like i'm useless. He said something about being lucky that i didn't get killed, but i live in constant fear of getting close someone and things going and wrong and this one just happens to snap and does actually kill me. I've tried to commit sucicde twice, i've cut myself, my grade plumitted in highschool and no one even cared to ask why i sit alone crying in my room all the time i have no confidence no self esteem i just always feel like crap and i have to pretend to be okay so i won't hear negative things people always say to me, like suck it up or get over it.

When I have something important to say I get pushed aside because I have to get over my pass and move on. Why won't anyone listen to me and try to understand, I sometimes feel like God doesn't even love me

 

[Recovery4Me]

Welcome to the site! You took a courageous step today to be heard and engage a journey to heal.
:hug:'s if you accept them

What you have shared evokes many emotions and empathy within me. I am so sorry you were victimized, raped and hold physical and mental pain.

Keep among us and you will be heard, offered support and have many more opinions to consider than a "friend" that wants you to have a baby at this time.

Peace, blessings and warmth to you.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I read you post and zeroed into a statement you made. You are anemic and have asthma. What do you do for work? Are you exposed to darkroom chemicals?

 

[Deleted member 28862]

You are anemic and have asthma. What do you do for work?

I work as a vet assistant and dog groomer, most of the time I'm in the back, theres not any ventilation as the doors are closed, theres fur everywhere and a goats pen that always filthy that I have to clean daily.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

:hug:'s if you accept them

thank you so much for your words, I don't accept hugs but I will gladly accept yours

 

[Friday]

Kick this guy to the curb.

As you say, you have other male friends with whom you have zero problem interacting with, joking with, talking with. Think of those friendships, and how they feel, and then think of this one. You are not obligated to put up with someone, much less change to for their view of the world, simply because they don't like you as you are and keep injecting themselves into your life. This guy is bad news. He makes you feel bad, insults you, and hurts you. This is not a healthy friendship. This is what being targeted feels like. You are not obligated to be friends with someone, simply because they want to be friends with you.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

Kick this guy to the curb.

thank you so much for that, I'm feeling much better about that situation at least. Since then I've blocked, blacklisted and he deleted him from my phone.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Esha242 I know this is off topic and you can PM me anytime. I was an x-Ray tech for thirty years and was poisoned by the darkroom chemicals. Hydroquinone in fixer causes anemia and gluteraldehyde in developer causes asthma. It is worrisome that there is no ventilation. Please address this with you're employer. 85% of people who develop sensitivity to chemicals have a trauma history. X-Ray techs, Vet techs, nurses in endoscopy and the OR , respiratory therapists are at increased risk. Oh, also you can develop PTSD from the experience. If your red blood cells are enlarged and your hemoglobin low that is a symptom. Do you take anything for your anemia? Does it help? Read the MSDS for each darkroom chemical.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@Esha242 I know this is off topic and you can PM me anytime. I was an x-Ray tech for thirty years and was poisoned by the darkroom chemicals. Hydroquinone in fixer causes anemia and gluteraldehyde in developer causes asthma. It is worrisome that there is no ventilation. Please address this with you're employer. 85% of people who develop sensitivity to chemicals have a trauma history. X-Ray techs, Vet techs, nurses in endoscopy and the OR , respiratory therapists are at increased risk

I'll pm you ^_^

 

[Deleted member 28862]

you in box seems to be full so : I've never known any of that information you gave me. A lot of the times it's really hard to breath, especially when we're cleaning. We have a cologne that we use on the dogs that cause me to sneeze and cough a lot and it makes it very hard to breath if we used it a lot. I was born with asthma and some how develop anemia, I was diagnosed with scoliosis when I was 13 and took a lot of x-rays. I don't take anything for my anemia. I do know that I have ptsd and androphobia from rape and child abuse, but I didn't know my job could also have something to do with it.

 

[Seagreen]

Your BF doesn't respect you. Nothing you have said indicates to me that you are being selfish. I'm sorry you have already been through so much. I really hope that you are able to move on from this guy and eventually meet someone that respects and cares about you. Please keep working towards improving your life. It is hard but it can get better. You are young and that will work in your favour.

What your father said about "making sure it doesn't happen again". He was choosing to deny what was happening to you. Probably because for whatever reason he couldn't or didn't want to deal with the responsibility. He was minimising and avoiding the reality of what it really was. He handled it wrongly, not you. You did the best you could.

Welcome to the community ( :

 

[Deleted member 28862]

Your BF doesn't respect you. Nothing you have said indicates to me that you are being selfish. I'm sorry you have already been through so much.
What your father said about "making sure it doesn't happen again". He was choosing to deny what was happening to you. Probably because for whatever reason he couldn't or didn't want to deal with the responsibility. He was minimising and avoiding the reality of what it really was. He handled it wrongly, not you.

Thank you, I've actually been reading a lot of threads here this year I just was too afraid to put something here but I case he was the turning point for me so I finally did.

And about my dad, I don't know what to think about it. There was this whole thing when my parents found my suicide note and something came out to light. It was revelaed that my dad wanted to abort both me and my other brother (by 9 years) and that he told my mom what was happening and she just "checked" me and said I was okay. I must have repressed the hell out of that because I don't remember it at all and she admitted to doing it. When I try to talk to my brother about it.... i feel like he doesn't understand and doesn't want to, so I'm always left with no where to turn