Sufferer Can Someone Please Help Me. (very Complex Situation)

[ghotiff]

Welcome.

My father witnessed it happen and told me not to let it happen again, to this day I still don't know what he meant but this and even though I tried it still happened multiple times.

This resonated with me. My father said the same thing to me when my parents "chose" to keep me learning from my abusive gymnastics teacher. His words where "keep yourself safe". I couldn't, and didn't for the next 5 years.

What your father said about "making sure it doesn't happen again". He was choosing to deny what was happening to you. Probably because for whatever reason he couldn't or didn't want to deal with the responsibility. He was minimising and avoiding the reality of what it really was. He handled it wrongly, not you. You did the best you could.

I agree with seagreen. It stings a bit, but I believe it to be true.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

His words where "keep yourself safe". I couldn't, and didn't for the next 5 years.

ahh I see... I just don't know what to do with this entire thing

 

[ghotiff]

ahh I see... I just don't know what to do with this entire thing

Discussing my abuse with my parents is not possible. They (mainly my mother) made it clear that it was not something to be discussed and I have spent my life trying to be "normal" so no one can "tell". My first sexual abuse started at around 6years old, so it feels like a lifetime (I'm 40ish).

It's really difficult to feel responsible for controlling something that you can't. And then when you also have to hide that you can't, it just drives the pain deeper. My mothers need to showcase a picture perfect family led her to her denial of my actual childhood. She still lives in denial, and I will let her stay there. Here on this website is the main place where I never feel "denied", sometimes here in this community it feels like it's a magical, fairy-tale place.

I'm saying the above in case it opens the door to discuss some of your feelings. We are here to listen and help if we can.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

Thank you so much, like I've said I've been stalking this site and was a bit cautious to join but I'm really glad I did. Even though I'm just 20 It's extremely difficult to remember my childhood, I do however remember these parts of my growing up along with the emotional abuse my parents gave me. They fought constantly when I was younger, almost to the point where blood was drawn, so I was always beyond terrified to talk to any of them, my father is very neglectful and my mother is selfish and thinks everything has to go her way, so I just stayed quiet for their sake. Honestly I don't think I covered everything here to get the help that I need.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome and am glad you're here.

Glad you kicked him to the curb, relationally (most often) courtship is the best a person can be (both male and female)... so if this was his "best"... you did a wise thing.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@The Albatross Thank you so much, I honestly and truly did not understand his logic, in my eyes he was the one being selfish

@intothelight Thank you! I've been so afraid to sign up on the forum but I'm really glad I did

 

[Anrish]

Welcome to the forum @Esha242 !

You'll always find open ears (or rather open eyes and above all open minds) here. :)

It's a good thing that you block him off and don't have any contact anymore. Some people change and it's not your fault or you changed but he didn't recognize it - the most important thing is that you're not selfish and that it's not your fault. You were not the one who begged to be raped as a child just so you will be able to scare away the guys in the future. His words are filled with his hurt, male ego. You're not responsible for this. You kept on going and that alone is a big deal after what you've been through - so no one has the right to blame you for anything.

That friend of yours really drives me up the wall because he reminds me of my former boyfriend. :mad: Why are some men so insensitive? It is like someone forgot to put the tiniest bit of empathy into them when they were born...:banghead:

Just feel welcome here and take your time to recover. ;)

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@Anrish Thanks so much for your kind words. I was really hurt because I've never met someone so mean like him. Even if my other guys friend have no idea why I don't like a lot of physical contact they never question it and just let me be and it's always smooth sailing with them but he's the only one that got angry about it.

With my past I think it would be very understandable as to why I don't like it or why I have a phobia of men but that's too bad for him if he can't get it. Hopefully someone will come along and give him what he deserves.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I'm so sorry for all the bad you went through, and all that is happening to you. Take my :hug:s if you accept.

Reading your post I see you are a great person, you don't deserve to be treated badly. Are you in theraphy?

Anyway, as you work on getting better, remember, it gets worse before it gets better.

 

[Deleted member 28862]

@otakujome Thank you so much. I just try to be the best I can. I'm a pacifist, and I really do try to help people. In the bahamas, bahamians don't believe in therapy so I'd have to travel to see one. My guidance counselor told me that I showed sever case of ptsf from rape but I've never seen a professional

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Esha242 If you agree, we can private chat, as you really seem like a nice person that I'd like to get to know better, due to what you went through. Similar to you I am an introvert, and more or less don't leave house, but a good part of that is due to me living in the city where my trauma happened, so I am afraid of people a lot, but I've been slowly working on picking up life again. Your father seems really bad, and you should just stop caring about what he says. And to be truthful, moving somewhere else for work would give you a better chance at theraphy, and this site has a lot of info about what to do. More :hug:s for you and some warm tea :D