Family Not Willing to Understand PTSD and You

[nic]

Well, the family members I've told TRY to be supportive. However, my mom refers to the rape as "that thing that happened," and when my brother found out, the first thing he did was buy a gun. Enough said?!

I think, like Cindy said, their not-so-helpful attitudes about my trauma are the result of thier own guilt and inability to cope. This is also why I have yet to tell other family members, even those who I know will be supportive, as I don't want to put any emotional strain on them.

 

[Cindy]

Another thought, what difference would it make if they did accept their responsibility. It wouldn't change what happened. They then may offer
"sympathy" not empathy. - WHICH I DON'T WANT FROM THEM!

I don't need to add their burdens onto my own.

It's almost better the way it is. One sufferer without any strings dangling.

 

[Jim]

Perhaps many family would offer sympathy Cindy. However. Not all. Certainly I have not felt pity for my daughter, though I love and support her. Fact is, our daughter admits she is far further along in her recovery with family support than she would have been without. Good family and friends, other carers, if one is fortunate to have them, are a huge help in recovery in my humble opinion. Jim.

 

[moog]

I've come to a bit of a road block. The family member in question is my Father, we used to be very close.

I have attempted to explain to him what I'm going through and what PTSD is. He had just looked at it that I am "stressed" and that I need to talk about it; so he tries to force me to. Which causes an argument and it turned into a big fight. I tried explaining to him that it is more complicated than just stress and that I'm not comfortable talking to him about the things that are bothering me. Well for one, I can't remember some of it any way. He basically responded that he's not willing to understand what I'm going through until I'm willing to talk to him. And he blames the military on changing me, so he doesn't understand me any more.

So I tried explaining how I felt to my Mother and gave some information on PTSD, I also asked her to talk to him about it. She said she will but it also seems like she doesn't think it is as big a deal. Now it seems like they both think I need "space" and my Father is to pig headed to call. When ever I think about it, to attempt to call and resolve things; my anxiety gets worse because I feel like I'm being forced into resolving the situation. I've talked to my therapist about it and the solution wasn't helpful; I'm working on a replacement.

Have any of you had similar problems with family members? If you did, how did you resolve it?

Thanks.

 

[Cindy]

Moog:

They seem willing to try and understand but you are not giving the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like they want to listen to you.

IMO - I would try to engage in a conversation with them where you can set the limits and identify what you wish to share with them upfront. This will be a start. Right now, if I were them I think I would feel cut off from you by your choice.

If you truly want them behind you, you have to start somewhere. You have to decide what that will be. Try to explain it in terms they will relate with or understand from their own experiences in their lives.

 

[becvan]

One thing I have learned is that my definition of family understanding PTSD and theirs are completely different. I had higher expectations. I felt that had to know exactly what it was and be able to talk about it in detail. I felt they were supposed to be always willing to be my shoulder to cry on and to react to me the way I thought they should.

I have learned how unreasonable this really is. My family does not have a clue what PTSD means shy of I get stressed easily and react funny. They have no idea of what the healing process consists of. They often are not my shoulder to cry on and rarely ever react they way I think they should.

I have learned that my absolutes only alienate them and me. That absolutes do not work in the real world. (Absolutes I consider to be terms like unconditional love, understanding etc.) I have learned that every one reacts and varies on how they deal with things.

I have learned that they accept that I get stressed easily and I react funny. I have learned that they accept that I am trying to get better and they support me in this journey, despite not understanding it in detail. I have learned they love me in their way and that they show it the best they can.

I have learned to relax my control issues by not demanding unreasonable expectations of them. I have learned to accept the love, support and understanding they do give me and to be grateful for it.

bec

 

[Bulldog36]

I have a simular situation to yours as well, my parents dont think its a big deal and I need to get over it. When they are compassionate, which is not often they tell me, you are strong, you can get past this. They make me feel pretty bad. I talked to my T about this for the first time and he was great. he told me to have them call him and he will explain it to them, let them know im ill and im not going to just get over it. maybe your T would do that for you.Just for point of refrence Im in my 40's so not a youngster anymore :wink:

 

[dshanks]

Family!!!

I do not even dare to tell what is left of my family that I have PTSD. I learned a long time ago that they never took me seriously anyways. My sister would call me a hypochondriac. I have no contact with my immediate family as a result

 

[Cindy]

One thing I have learned is that my definition of family understanding PTSD and theirs are completely different.

I had higher expectations. I felt that had to know exactly what it was and be able to talk about it in detail.

I have learned to accept the love, support and understanding they do give me and to be grateful for it.

bec

I agree 100% with these statements bec made. They will probably never get it but if they are willing to let you share your struggles with them now and again and listen, it helps. I also have lowered my expectations of my family about them really helping me other than being a sounding board.

Two family members I have learned are not beneficial to share with and I choose not to share with them. However my sister and daughter at times can be very good listeners and offer feedback that sometimes helps. They don't understand the complexity or the source of the emotions but they can offer ways to look at things differently.

I've learned to take what I can get and accept that. I have also learned they are not always receptive to what I need or willing to listen. But when they are it feels good. So I take what I can get and accept that is their limits.

Family not being able to understand is not a reflection of how much they love you. It is only their personal limits and there is nothing you can probably do to change that. Accept it for what it is regarding yourself and your expectations of them. But understand they do care for you but are unable to cross that bridge with you for whatever reasons they may have.

 

[midi]

I don't have contact with anyone in the family other than my son - who openly talks about the PTSD, because we both need something better. My parents - I can't have expectations for them, because they truly believe that any female who speaks out against mental and physical abuse is clearly insane, crazy, and belongs in the f**cking nut house. Family understanding is impossible, but I am working my hardest to save my son from these issues. We can't control anything, let alone our family...

 

[TakeTheBaggage]

I have PTSD from my childhood. My one sister thinks I'm insane when I talk about it, since so much time has gone by. The other thinks I should befriend all those people, send them Facebook Friend Requests. Are you kidding me? I don't want their acceptance or approval. I don't want to be FRIENDS with them! And, my ex husband relied every PTSD event to anyone who would listen after we split. I guess, though, there's a lot of trauma that family members need to work through. My ex husband was just a jerk.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

My family understands my PTS. They caused it. The idiot bastards enjoy it too. Calling them idiot bastards isn't a sign of any ill will it's simply what they are. LOL They suffer from Stockholm syndrome. Basically they all hate each other. Currently they're pretending to get along. They have to! They're all scrambling to cover each others ass. I find this very befitting and I'm almost starting to believe in karma! LOL!!!!! I love life again. :)