Why Do Some People Use My Trauma And Chronic Illnesses To Hurt Me?

[Lionheart]

Why is it that whenever I share the fact that I was sexually abused as a child do people use it as a weapon against me the first time they get angry with me?:(:(:(

This one woman (who professed to love me) told me that I look like an overweight pedophile just to make a 'dig' at me. (among many other vile and nasty things)

What kind of person hurts another persons feelings then turn the blame back onto them?

What kind of person blames another for things they have in fact done themselves?

What kind of person uses another persons vulnerabilities to cause them emotional harm?

I have disabling PTSD, severe Depression and 7 other chronic illnesses (and am on medicine that made me gain weight).

:eek:This so called "lady" trashed talked me using all of these things to make me sound pathetic and really hurt my feelings very deeply, all because I would not take the blame for something I didn't do. (something that she in fact had done)

She used personal information that I had shared over a period of 8 years to hurt me emotionally and I am really hurt and confused as to why someone would act that way????

At this point I want to keep my past a secret.........but so many people already know the truth because I have not hidden it away from anyone.

I guess it was unwise to allow myself to be vulnerable and I guess I got what I deserved.:cry: I feel so stupid and emotionally hurt inside.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Whoa....I disagree....You did NOT deserve that!

This is my take on things....You trusted someone. This trust built up over time as you knew this woman for 8 years. I don't think its unreasonable to build up a level of trust over such a time period and believe that the person is not going to hold it against you the first chance they get. These are all normal actions!

I encourage you to throw the blame back where it belongs. Throw it on her! You did a great thing by connecting with someone else and building up trust with this person. The ending wasn't so great, but I'd hate to see you hole yourself away and not trust anyone because of something that this woman did to you. I know you're very hurt, and it will take time to move past what she's done to you. I think it would be a shame to continue to let this woman dominate your life by "caving" to her nastiness and not trying to trust another person again.

I don't think that you should keep your past a secret. If someone is in your life, and is a close friend, partner, etc, then I think that it is reasonable to expect an amount of openness and honesty in which you can share things about your past such as trauma.

I encourage you to hold your head high. Don't let her words hold you down for the rest of your life. You did a great thing by trusting someone else, and there is no shame in that. She is the one who made the decision to trash talk you and put you down, so please place the blame where it belongs.....on her.

 

[Nighthawk]

:hug: @Lionheart777 I have not been able to comit to realationships but can truly realt to and can feel your pain.

 

[Lionheart]

Thank you so much @Solara

I am in tears as i write this and can't see the keyboard very well, but I am so relieved to read your response!!! I appreciate your vote of confidence in me, I really need to build my esteem back up after this ugly behavior.

I never saw this coming and I suppose I thought I should somehow know she was that type of person. I am trying really hard not to beat myself up right now and your reply is very helpful and encouraging.

I am grateful for your take on things!!!!

Wishing you the best,
Lion

 

[TLight]

Lionheart;

First of all, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It hurts terribly to trust someone and have them viciously turn on you like that.
I've had these experiences, numerous times. In fact, I have never had one single relationship where I have been trusting and not been trashed. I truly don't understand this behavior, as I never did anything to deserve it, with the exception of 'scaring them' due to a suicide attempt. At the time I needed love and tenderness, I received judgement and condemnation.

I am now 50 and have to say that I don't think I'll ever trust again. It's a very sad way to be and I hope things don't turn out this way for you. For me, it just is what it is. It is entirely too dangerous for me to trust again at this stage in life. I trusted the man I married and he turned out to be a psychopath...his twisted behavior almost killed me more than once. I was suicidal and confused for 5 years straight and my mind was twisted into a prestzel.
I don't know why there are so many character disturbed people out there...but there seem to be so many and it takes so long for them to show their true colors, but they always do.

For me, I've accepted a life as a hermit...but I hope it doesn't turn out that way for you. Try again, be cautious, watch for signs, take things VERY slow.....perhaps there is love in this world. Real love and friendship. I hope so for you and others.

 

[scout86]

What kind of person hurts another persons feelings then turn the blame back onto them?

A bad one!

What kind of person blames another for things they have in fact done themselves?

A sociopath.

What kind of person uses another persons vulnerabilities to cause them emotional harm?

Also a sociopath, although I suppose there are a bunch of other personality defects that could cause that kind of behavior.

All I can say is that there must be something wrong with HER to cause that kind of behavior. Sorry it happened to you, you deserve better!

 

[Friday]

What kind of person uses another persons vulnerabilities to cause them emotional harm?

The kind of person you don't want to have in your life! What she said and did has nothing to do with you. It's not about you. It's entirely about her: her perceptions, her tactics/rules of engagement; what she's willing to do to other people in order to get what she wants.

I guess it was unwise to allow myself to be vulnerable and I guess I got what I deserved.:cry: I feel so stupid and emotionally hurt inside.

I profoundly disagree.

Being vulnerable, by definition, allows someone to hurt us. It also allows us to be close enough to someone to love/be loved, and find out who would never hurt us given the ability to do so.

Someone teased me the other day "Why do you have to be so damn hard all the time?" I like this person. <Laughing> And they've seen my weaknesses in spades, and haven't -yet- gone for them. The opposite. They build me up, instead of tear me down. And they're only able to do that because I've shown them where I'm weak. The whole vulnerable thing. I'm jaded, in realizing that they could, but I also have the flip side gift... They are choosing not to. That lets me trust them. I don't truly trust anyone until they're on the ropes (mad at me, stressed out, grieving, whatever) and I can see what weapons they'll pick up. How will they lash out? We all do, when cornered, and our character defines how.

Some people we can learn off the tip aren't 'our kind of people' because of the weapons they use in everyday interaction. No stress needed, and they ____________ (do things we find morally repugnant). They're easy not to trust. Alright, sod off.

The harder group, the one we're keen to blame ourselves for, are the people who are just fine in everyday interaction. So we decide to trust them. And then we have to wait. For them to show their true colors.

Again, this is the content of their character. Deciding to trust them isn't wrong. It's a decision we cannot possibly know the outcome to, until they decide to show us. Until they are under stress. It's a waiting game. And it is 100% on them . It has absolutely zero to do with us. Which is hard not to take the blame for when they hurt us. Especially if we forget that other people have their own agency. We cannot control how someone is going to react. We might predict it, but we cannot control it. And people surprise us. In both good & bad ways.

Don't give her the power to define you. This was a test of her character. Not yours.

 

[Nam]

This is the same person you were so in love with before? Eight years with someone and this happens?

This deserves a deeper look. It really does. There's something going on. Eight years is a long time to be with someone. It's plenty of time to gain trust even for those of us that have had a rocky start.

Has this person done this before?

Here's the thing. There's rules to fighting for me. There are certain things that can't be said because they make cuts that never heal. But if this person was never taught that or told that....maybe this is the way she was taught to "fight". I'm not making excuses for her. She said some pretty darn nasty things that she will have to explain further. It's almost like she wanted an out.

This has got to hurt a great deal. I still remember when my sister said, "...at least I'm not suicidal!" Wow, that hurt a bunch. Will never forget it. You are going to have to evaluate later. Make no decisions right now. It's easy to just throw as much nastiness her way, but it'll only hurt you because you know why you're doing it...you want her to hurt as much as you. So, it's best to keep it to yourself for right now. Let the feelings pass through you. When you feel like you can talk about it, I would. Every single word she said. Make her explain it. And "I was angry" or "I didn't mean it" isn't going to cut it. It came out, so there's something there.

If this relationship is worth keeping (make no decisions now...), it'll take some time. A long time. Lots of rebuilding what was torn down. ((HUGS))

 

[Lionheart]

Has this person done this before?

There are certain things that can't be said because they make cuts that never heal.

It's almost like she wanted an out.

This has got to hurt a great deal.

1. Yes once but never this intensely

2. Amen to that

3. Yes it certainly is

4. It does but I am alright, thanks for the Hugs!!!

 

[Seasounds]

I find that there are very few people who are mature, and skilled enough to 'fight cleanly'. Due to this, I share the information about my past, much less, and I share it after people have demonstrated that they can fight cleanly.

 

[shark]

I am sorry this happened to you, but I want to ask you a question I assure you this is not a judgment in any way. I ask because my daughter was sexually assaulted at age 3 by her uncle. She didn't remember much, even though at the time she was quite descriptive for a 3 year old. However, when she got her period and chose to use a tampon her body remembered and so did she. We talked to her about it being her story to tell, and letting her know that only our family knew. When she was 3 we tried to press charges but a 3 year old could not handle being a witness and we're told she could press charges in the future. In any event we told her it was her story to tell but she may not want to tell someone like a close friend in school because that friend this year may not be her friend next year. So I am wondering what made you decide to be so open? Has it been healing foe you or have you found more hurt from it. I am just a mom trying to help my daughter navigate through all this.

 

[Lionheart]

So I am wondering what made you decide to be so open? Has it been healing foe you or have you found more hurt from it.

I decided to be open about it to be a man of integrity and honesty and to help others to heal and I think I have done that. It was also a way to heal the shame I felt over the abuse traumas. I am disabled due to PTSD and when people ask me about why I have it, I have been very open (except with the details).

Except for a few unscrupulous people who have tried to use my past to hurt and manipulate me, mostly I have found healing, support and encouragement...(esp here on this site and with family / close friends).

So to answer your question I have mostly found support, but some people are vicious and cruel and it pays to be aware of this

I wish you and your daughter the very best,
Lionheart777