Other Abortion

[Casey_03]

I've been struggling with something recently that seems to have reopened earlier traumas. I'm having trouble getting over it, even though it happened a year and a half ago. Long story short, I had a boyfriend I cared about very much; he was one of only two people I've felt close to my entire life. But our relationship ended terribly – I got pregnant, shortly before he was due to move away for a new job. We struggled to decide whether or not to keep it, then agreed I would have an abortion. After realizing I really did want to keep it, though, I told him so, and he lashed out at me and told me he would never be the father, he'd sooner kill himself than do so. So, out of fear and I guess some shock, I immediately went through with the abortion. I have regretted it ever since. I can't shake the feeling since then that I have no future, that there's nothing on the horizon and I will never have a family, and more importantly, nobody will ever want to have a family with me. Worse yet, even though I know I should hate this man for his behavior, I miss him terribly and find myself harboring hope that we'll get back together and work things out (he recently returned to my city). But he said seeing me just upsets him and makes him sad, so doesn't want any contact. I don't really know what steps I can take to move forward from this; I'm withdrawn, self-isolating and don't feel any connection or bond with other human beings. I thought this would change in a year and a half, but it hasn't. I get triggered any time a movie I'm watching features a pregnant woman, or someone announces they are waiting for a baby. It's a fact of life I just can't shield myself from. Worse yet, while I don't see my ex on a day to day basis, I work with all of his friends, all of whom know about the pregnancy. I have to avoid going to any social events for fear of running into him there, or being reminded somehow of the pregnancy (a lot of people in our circle of friends gossiped about it at the time). Overall, the situation I am in feels very toxic, but I don't see a way out. I was counting on myself to get over this after some time had passed, but that doesn't seem to be happening. Has anyone out there gone through a similar experience? Or maybe there are tips for dealing with this sort of thing? I've recently begun therapy but I don't feel any relief yet. Anyways, thanks for any comments/advice.

 

[scout86]

Based on the maturity of his response to you, back then, I'm guessing he'd have been a difficult co-parent.

I don't know that you "should" hate him, but what do you really miss? Is it HIM, or is it the good parts of the relationship?

You've been thinking about relocating, if I remember right? If this group is all you really have as a social group, that might be another "pro moving" item to consider.

I don't really have any specific advice. In life, we all make decisions we regret, sometimes with good reason, sometimes not. You actually DO have a future and the potential of a family, and a partnership with someone who has much more of a class act than this guy. (If the 2 of you had gotten married, there's a good chance you'd be here now, with a whole different set of problems.) Even now, all he seems to be able to think about is how this affected HIM.

Just a thought, and I hope this doesn't sound too hard hearted. Pregnancies end all the time, for all kinds of reasons. Abortion is only one. If you hadn't made that choice, you have no idea what would have followed. There are nearly an infinite number of possibilities. Some of them good, some not so good, we have no way to know. I can see the sense and the need to mourn those things that might have been, but remember, you don't really know what WOULD have been.

All this definitely sounds like a therapy topic! Keep taking care of yourself, @Casey_03 !

 

[Ellabella44]

I did an online support group for this earlier this year. Everything you are feeling about this is ok and valid. Grieving is a process, it doesnt have a time table to "get over it" There are lots of women who end up feeling like that about this. Unfair that he scared you into going through with it when you changed your mind. You did the best you could under the circumstances. I sent you a pm about the support group. I had permission from a mod to do so for someone else so i am hoping it helps you. You can have a future, you can have a man who wants to have a family with you. I married and had disclosed to my husband that I had had one, but it was well just rambling on a fact of life back then. Healing has to come first for you right now.

when I stopped supressing my experience with this , all of my childhood traumas hitched a ride back as well. I am now 44, and grieving for my child 25 years later. The anniversary of this is later this month, I was 18 and still pregnant from december till then.

 

[Karen12]

I agree that a support group would be a very good idea, whether online or in person. I'm sorry you're struggling with all this.

 

[Nevermore]

Hey casey 03,
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. There is a site on the net called PASS Support Site, it's a site for women suffering from "Post Abortion Stress Syndrome", another unrecognised but very real trauma. It's a really helpful site! And a great community.
I went for many years not knowing that other women felt just as I did. I wish this was acknowledged and spoken about. I think there are many women suffering in the same way. Check this site out. You'll find heaps of information and community support there.
So sorry )-:

 

[Ellabella44]

Yeah that's where I sent her Jojo. I was there for a while as well. Welcome over here.

 

[Nevermore]

Oh how amazing it's the same site! But then again, I think it might be the only site! Hope it's ok that I said where it was - I was thinking there's probably more here who may need the help of that site. Hello over here!

 

[Pilgrim]

@Casey_03 I am sitting here while reading your post, with tears in my eyes, at your experience. I am so sad for you, and what you've been through. What a terrible loss you've suffered. Of your baby, of your boyfriend, of having a sense of choice, in the matter. The way he manipulated you, that is really upsetting. I haven't been through what you have, but when I was 22 or 23 I had a boyfriend who told me that if I got pregnant, I had to have an abortion. It messed with my head and emotions so badly I can't even tell you. At the time I wanted a baby, and a life with this guy. He didn't want the same thing. It threw me into a horribly deep depression. I didn't get pregnant, and we broke up, but I have never been able to have a boyfriend ever since. I have other issues why trust is hard, that figure into my story. So please don't take that as how yours will be. I just have shared this, to say I have some small idea what that manipulation from someone you need and care about, to do something you don't want to do, can do to you. To be threatened with abandonment, if you don't do what he wants you to, only to be dumped anyway after such a horrible manipulation like that, is beyond cruel. And, even after all of that with my ex, after we broke up, I missed him, for a long time. Even though I knew he was very bad and wrong, for me. But, I was so terribly afraid of being alone. That's what was so hard, for me.

 

[SunshineandPTSD]

I've been struggling with something recently that seems to have reopened earlier traumas. I'm having tr...

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I myself am very triggered by anything involving pregnancy or abortion. I was raped and was pregnant because of it and I had an abortion. My best friend is currently pregnant and I have a hard time even being around her without wanting to cry. I feel for you and I'm thinking of you. Sending you my light & love. I can't fix this for you but I know it helps me to feel like I'm not alone, so, you're not alone! And although you're aware it's not logical to miss your ex, I think your feelings are valid and make sense. You two went through something traumatic together and sometimes that can bond people in odd and different ways.

 

[Becky gard]

I've been struggling with something recently that seems to have reopened earlier traumas. I'm having tr...

I am no therapist or anything...but the advice I have for you is to forgive yourself.
I am not saying the I believe you did anything wrong or right. I am not the judge of anyone but myself and my actions. But based off what you say...it seems like you are confused, hurt, angry, sad, and remorseful.
So I urge you to turn on some quiet music, light some candles, and say whatever you need to for yourself and to your loss.
I am and always will be pro choice. I support women making choices best suited for themselves.
Sometimes though when we act in haste we as women pay. Don't beat yourself up. Believe that you deserve to be loved and that one day you will have a family, loving husband, and children. I encourage you to believe that truly believe it and move forward not looking back. I support therapy very much....but sometimes when we focus on this kind of thing in therapy we find that we are giving it more thought than we would. I can't tell you what is best for you. But for me i have to just move forward with certain things.
And ultimately while I offer you my condolences for any loss you may feel you suffer I am hoping that you are no longer with that boyfriend and starting to heal.
Busy yourself with activities you enjoy and set this burden free sister.
I've had a miscarriage recently that hurts me. Something terrible. But I finally came to terms with it and the fact that I'm probably too old to ever have one at this point. I have a 21 year old...and I've made some hard choices myself. Always moving forward....
Wishing you luck.