Going From Desperately Wanting To Be Heard To Saying Sweet Fa

[HëllaBubz]

Even writing this is an effort.

Most of my life I've spent in desperation trying to be heard, acknowledged, understood and respected.

So I threw my 2c out wherever, whatever, however I could, sometimes not even in reference to the original topic.

Now, I have so much less to say. Unless I'm asked, the subject seems willing or something like that I just don't want to speak any more.

I suspect it might have something to do with the fact that my other half is so dissociated with life, himself and everything that his constant ignoring of my needs and voice has left me not wanting to try anymore.

And even if I do get a response, it's so heavily, ridiculously, inappropriately defensive that I just give up.

I don't even want to about it to my therapist any more, because I feel like I want to give up. He is such a minimal effort will do, defeatist and negative person that I just don't want to try any more.

Being told he's doing this produces no remorse, upset, intent to change, just apathetic throwing of hands in the air. Favourite phrase is "what do you want me to do? There's nothing I can do so why are you saying this? Are you trying to piss me off?"

My response is always just to get pissed, throw a curt response and leave, or just throw my hands up.

I just don't want to try anymore. And it's affecting my daughter and how I care for her.

I'm sure there are other reasons, but I think that's the biggest.

I think the title, combined with how this post has been written kind of shows the turmoil here.

Does anyone else not feel the need to speak any more, after being so voracious?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What's the rest of the title? Or is 'fa" a term that doesn't internationally translate? Just wondering cuz your post says it reflects how you feel but it seems incomplete.

 

[Sighs]

sweet fa = sweet f*ck all = nothing

 

[Sighs]

@TheBubzilla - I'm naturally chatty (lol - understatement!) but have gone through stages of barely speaking to my partner as everything I said seemed to draw a negative response. I finally got the courage to speak to him about it and we've worked through it and things are much better now. It sounds like you have tried to talk to your partner and your therapist. If you have reached a point where there is too much water under the bridge maybe its time to end the relationship?

 

[HëllaBubz]

I don't know @Sighs. My therapist and my relationship counselor both say that if I can hang in there, they think things will get better even though he has a long way to go.

I have seen improvement, but I'm just so very, very tired, and also angry that he's effectively silenced me which is the one thing I swore I'd never let happen after my father's handiwork.

 

[Sighs]

Neither your therapist nor your relationship counselor are you. Only you know if / when you have finally had enough. I've stayed in relationships years longer than I should - hoping things will get better, wishing things would get better, working on things getting better. But when I finally reached the stage of not wanting to do that anymore - then it was over. And nothing my exes said or did at that point would have made any difference.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[HëllaBubz]

True. I'm almost ready to give up, but my T has been extremely reliable and trustworthy through an extremely tumultuous 2 years, so I'll hold on a little longer. I think I just need some energy from someone else until things get better.

The OH is an extremely tough but to get anything out of, but there is a fair amount of improvement when the whole picture is looked at.

Just so tired.

 

[shimmerz]

the one thing I swore I'd never let happen after my father's handiwork

Sounds like you are both triggering off each other. Can you bring this statement of yours up in therapy? jmho

 

[HëllaBubz]

Very astute @shimmerz . the T and I identified this a fair while ago.

So we changed my therapy to focus on regulation and calming myself when triggered.

Fights got a lot less intense, but in a more recent argument he tells me that my therapy has helped me but done nothing for our relationship and I've had nothing to do with the fact that the fights are less intense.

He also disagrees that his very traumatic childhood and upbringing has any bearing on who he is, how he acts now.

When we had a massive blow up, he then blamed a trigger on his family upbringing as an excuse but then blamed me for his reaction and it's all my fault, I contributed, I have to admit that before he'll ever admit it blah blah blah.

He also has a very bad habit of waiting until you object to something and then flipping it and making it all about him and that he needs to be heard and if I don't then all his problems are because he doesn't feel heard.

So if you're triggered by not being validated, by serial excuse making, by tiptoeing around because he's unregulated and you don't know when he's going to lose his shit and get personal, nasty and vindictive when he's assumed but not verified something you said......

So I told him. You have serious anger problem. I cannot talk to you because I can't tell if you're going to overreact and that's stressful and triggering for me.

You cannot control yourself and jump to conclusions, then lash out at me based on those assumptions.

You do not ever hear me, validate me or wait your turn. You always make it about you.

I'm tired of being hurt, being ignored, having to keep it together while you throw a petty toddler fit and say nasty things and then continue on as though nothing has happened.

You do not realise or care about the impact of your actions on me, or that your daughter is growing up and being harmed by all of this. And I'm tired of you minimising the impact you have.

Want to beat head against wall.

I just hope therapy can make some difference because I can't afford to move out and ultimately, the behaviour would continue even if we separated so the only avenue is to address it.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I'm not sure, but I think writing yesterday triggered me badly. I feel a few twinges but ignored them and had the worst nightmares last night and the worst anxiety of 2 years today.

Obviously something that needs working on.

I don't want to stop this thread but I definitely need to work on my mindfulness!

 

[shimmerz]

He also disagrees that his very traumatic childhood and upbringing has any bearing on who he is, how he acts now.

I am sorry, but did you say your SO has been diagnosed with PTSD or yourself? Why are you in therapy and not him? This sounds like straight up denial imho. That's a tough one.

Does anyone else not feel the need to speak any more, after being so voracious?

Yes! I actually go mute sometimes when I feel I have not been heard over and over again. I consider it learned helplessness (in myself)

has helped me but done nothing for our relationship and I've had nothing to do with the fact that the fights are less intense

Sounds to me like you are handed the responsibility of 'fixing this' to his liking. That is a tough one. You sound pretty trapped. Along with trapped comes 'nothing much else to say' don't you think?

(Crap, sorry, I just posted as you did. I won't be upset if you don't read it. lol. And if you don't read it you won't read this. Nvm. :confused:)

 

[HëllaBubz]

Lol!

Denial - yes. Identified by boh therapists.

He's in marriage counseling with me. After a violent episode last year where he actually threatened me in response to a percieved but fictional threat, I told him anger management and behavioural therapy or GTFO.

So he is starting 1:1 with her plus our regular double sessions.

Yes he does want it fixed to his liking.....with no effort on his part. So I've point blank refused to do anything anymore.

Sick of being told that I need to do X so that he can do Y etc......ah, there's the activation....this thread is good for making me practice monitoring myself.

I find it validating that parallels that I've found myself are also being drawn by others.

It just sucks that the one person I've bonded to, the father of my child is now the primary source of my problems, even greater than PTSD.

I am what you could call almost externally symptom free. Don't lose it, no screaming matches, anxiety kept quite low, calm, able to verbalize, stand up for myself etc.

He says that therapy has made things worse between us.

It has. I've learned where the line for normal behaviour is, and as I draw closer to that yard stick, it leaves his behaviour is stark contrast.

I'm thinking the work now belongs to him and our T, I refuse to do any more. I've done too much already.

Time for him to grow up or be left behind.