Anybody Desperately Want To Tell About Trauma But Can't Unless Asked

[barefoot]

Yes, this is very familiar to me! I understand that feeling of so badly wanting to get some relief by getting it out - but not being able to get it out of my own accord.

I once asked me therapist, 'Can't you just somehow make me say?' I was sort of joking. But largely not. She looked horrified and shook her head, said we couldn't rush, that it would come when I was ready, that she's not going to take a sledgehammer and force her way in. At the time, I found that quite disappointing to hear - I think I actually told her that I was very happy for her to get her sledgehammer out!

Now...it's still something that happens but I think I better understand the need to go slow. Which doesn't mean I don't still get frustrated and impatient and roll my eyes because she's talking (again!) about how she's not going to get her sledgehammer out...

A couple of months ago I got re-traumatised in a session - it took us both by surprise, it happened so quickly. My therapist described what happened as 'brutal' and the fall out from it was pretty horrendous. I still haven't fully recalibrated from it. When we touched on it a couple of weeks ago when I was asking what it meant for how we do the deeper work going forward, she said I had to be ready. And she said that meant that all of me had to be ready - that it's not enough to just be intellectually ready but that everything else (my feelings, my body) had to be ready too. She tells me a lot that I can't intellectualise my way out of trauma - I can't just think and rationalise my way through it. And I tend to sigh and get frustrated and impatient... But something about her saying that about all of me having to be ready....that really struck a chord and finally made me really get it, I think...

So I'm just wondering if perhaps the desire/need for your therapist to take the lead and ask you the questions so that you can then answer is something to do with all of you not being quite ready? That, perhaps you are intellectually, but perhaps the rest of you hasn't caught up yet? I get what you're saying about wanting the relief of telling him and getting the stuff out. But, of course, it's more complicated than that. Yes, telling may bring some relief. But it's also probably going to stir up a lot of difficult memories/feelings and you might feel a whole lot worse before you feel any better. So, perhaps feeling unable to take the driver seat at the moment is a sign that you're not quite fully ready to go there with everything that will entail yet. Your psyche is maybe protecting you from that at the moment.

Go slowly, go gently....little steps that will get you closer to being ready to open everything up when you can manage it all...

 

[barefoot]

I am so worried we will spend years tiptoeing around the details because he thinks I am scared and I am desperately wanting to spill the beans. I wish I could tell him this, but it isn't allowed.

Just to add, I'm a bit confused about this ^^^^^^

You don't think it's allowed for you to tell your therapist your concern/frustration about this?

I think it would be a really useful conversation to have with him. Useful for both of you.

 

[infoonptsd]

Thanks for both of your replies @barefoot. I don't like what you said... LOL... but it does sound just like the things he has been saying. Part of my issue is bothering other people with my stuff or doing something that might make people think I am attention seeking. I think that is part of why I can't just come out and say..... this happened.... help!!!

As for the not being able to tell... it isn't because of him, it is my 'controls' on myself. Just like the 'things' that happened, saying these kinds of things for me are not allowed from myself. There is actually a part of me that I have to fight just to allow myself to go to therapy at all because it is all actually a way of asking for attention and having a pity party.

It's not anything about my t, just in my own head.

 

[barefoot]

Ah, I see....it's you who's not allowing it...I thought you meant he wouldn't allow it, which I thought was rather strange!

The thing about not wanting to bother people...that resonates with me too, but perhaps in a slightly different way. I have a real thing about not wanting to look/feel needy. And about not wanting to look like I'm being dramatic. I think that makes sense in terms of why it's difficult for you to just come out with it all and start spilling.

But you do want to share. So I'm confident that, at some point, you will. Because where there's a will, there's a way. I'm sure you and your therapist will find that way together.

 

[infoonptsd]

Ah, I see....it's you who's not allowing it...I thought you meant he wouldn't allow it, which I thought...

Yes barefoot, you are right on the point. I am exactly the same way. I don't want to appear attention seeking, being dramatic, having a pity party or anything close to any of that. We have even talked about that and he had said nothing would make him think that way but it is all in my head so it doesn't matter what he says. . My brain knows better..lol

 

[Digz]

Oh, hell yes! I not only couldn't talk about my trauma with my T unless he asked a direct question, I didn't talk about anything unless he asked a direct question, even if I wanted to. It took me a long time to figure it out, but for me part of my fear was that of saying the wrong thing and looking like an idiot. When asked a question I found answering provoked less anxiety because I had parameters on what I was talking about. For me, to just start talking, there were no boundaries and I didn't know where to start. And even if I did know where to start, or thought I did, I'd constantly second guess myself and was so fearful that what came out would be off topic, or wrong, or not what he wanted to hear etc etc. This was confounded by the fact I also have DID, so there were conflicting opinions on what should be said.
One thing that helped me was that my T ended up posing some topics or questions to explore at the end of a session, for the next session. Then I had time to think about it, knew I was on the right topic, felt more confident. I'm not sure if you like questions for a similar reason, but if so, I think that's ok. Try expressing to your T what you feel and why you like questions to help you express yourself. As you go along, you'll be able to practice adding a little detail here and there that wasn't asked for and you'll start getting better at it. You may never just 'talk' about it without some probing questions, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Most of us with trauma issues, especially those from childhood, are so used to being expected to NOT talk about it, it's hard to change a lifetime habit!

 

[roaringrachel]

I was like this for a very long time. I ended up completely hiding everything from my therapist, even though I so desperately wanted to get it all out. I eventually had a meltdown. I got a new therapist, even though there was nothing wrong with my old one. I just needed a fresh start. I promised myself there would be no hiding and no secrets. It has to come from inside. If you really want to do it, you will. I wanted to get better so badly that I spill my guts out quite often. Now, that's not saying that I never ever hide things, but now I can tell my therapist much much more.