Can't Find My Purpose And Desperately Need Help

[mamachick]

shimmerz-I relate to everything that you say. It does seem inconceivable to me for me to be better off without them. My daughter is 26, once she graduated from law school, does not speak to me. I said some ugly things to her toward the end, but she is a relentless person in seeking what she wants. I told her over and over that I could not move her belongings from her apartment because of my torn rotator cuff. I got conned into it, and with 3 men and her there standing around drinking beer, I packed, cleaned, and was on my hands and knees scrubbing spot from the carpet. This is typical of her. She wont give up til the last ounce on energy or last dollar is gone. Then she ditches people. She has no real female friends. At first they are wonderful, then they become the devil.

Your initial points-check to them all as well.

The ex continues to say he will make an appointment for couple counseling. I could not consider anything without an impartial party-because they have made me think I am the whole problem. Its been 2 months since he was going to make this appointment now-still not done. This is a repeated cycle-he has promised this many times. I suspect that he cant take the heat he will get from any outside person/therapist listening to this stuff.

I'm sorry, I am sick today in bed and will write more later.

 

[shimmerz]

@brat17 so sorry you are not feeling well. I am sending you warm thoughts and will wait. I am just sorry you have gone through this. :(

 

[ghotiff]

She wont give up til the last ounce on energy or last dollar is gone

When I read this I had a thought....I hate the phrase "just do your best".....what does "my best" mean. I have numerous examples but the one that comes time mind most is when I tore a muscle in my arm (and had years of pain) when I was asked to hold something steady that was (in hindsight) too heavy for me. My point is as the years go by I realise that this is a very destructive phrase and mentality for me. There is no limit to ones 'best' ... there is always 'more' to give, its only a matter of how much damage you take on while pushing for your 'best'.

When I read your comment copied above I think that you push yourself harder and further than others would have. Other people likely stop and say (and believe) that they can't do anything more. I would like you to think about being gentler on yourself, that stopping because your tired is just as acceptable as stopping because your completely exhausted. Adjusting your personal boundaries is a very difficult thing to do, but I think it would help your happiness.

I'm thinking of you.

 

[mamachick]

thank you ghotiff. I know that you are right. On top of it, I have been put last all the time by this whole family. After doing the moving as I described above, getting the stuff to my house, ordering pizza a feeding everyone, she dropped it in the middle of the halls and in every pathway and announced that she promised the guys to be their designated driver for the night of drinking. They all left, and then she went back for finals and left me with the mess. It doesnt matter-or this example I mean....its always been the same. I am afraid to admit that their father taught them to treat me this way. I wont get a mothers day card, usually dont. Or a birthday call. Its like there are the haves and the have nots, and Im suppose to be the have not. I just want to escape this so bad and know that is why sometimes I get to SI. Its the only out I can think of. I have been sick and that makes me feel more hopeless and helpless.

You are right though, there is always more to give. She has no more use for me, my body is broke and my bank empty. She refers to her father as a simpleton. I know the truth is, is that I need to break these ties. I wish I could just pack a truck and move away and none of them knew where I was. I feel like I would be better off, but I depend on the ex to live financially. I dont like the city I live in, I dont like much about it here. Right now I feel exhaustion. Honestly, it was not that bad until seperation, then he moped and pouted like "poor me", never acknowledging his passive aggressive behavior. I want to be in a loving relationship, I just dont think I will ever find it.

 

[Powder]

Getting back to the feeling that part of us died and something else came back. I want to again say that I can relate and think it is very important work and progress to find the emotions that are missing that went with that memory. I support you today.

 

[mamachick]

Muse I have been giving this so much thought. I googled but did not find much information. I see my therapist tomorrow and she said we will spend the entire session on this. I am very ready to address this and see where this goes. I have been saying this for years "I feel like I died" and "a 48 yr old fell and 8 yr old got up" and similar things. I have never really focused on the subject though. I think in part because I could not keep up with what I did before and was trying so hard to be my normal self, becoming more frustrated and angry by the day.

I dont think I have been present totally since. I always seem distracted. Thank you so much for all of your support...xoxox

There are so many good and caring people here-it amazes me. I dont know what I would do without those of you on this site.

I dont know if this is related, but I felt half defeated after the fall, fully defeated and powerless after the assault. I attempted suicide 6 months after the assault-clearly a death wish. Even though I have not done that again, I have gotten involved 3 times with abusive men since then. My therapist has expressed concern about my safety, both physically and mentally. I wonder if I am unconsciously putting myself at high risk because Im half convinced that I should not have survived the accident, and the assault was like proof to me that I am worthless. I have always thought that high risk behavior is a bit like a passive suicide (in others), but never considered that might be in myself. At the time, I thought I just wanted comfort and love, but all 3 are likely sociopaths, at very least, narcicistic personality disorder. All suffering some sort of serious addiction. I have put myself in other unsafe situations as well. Im not liking what I am seeing-but want to open my eyes to the truth.

Any comments and feedback is welcome! Thank you all so much.

 

[ghotiff]

Hi @brat17 , I hope things are improving for you.

Sorry to quote myself (it seems a bit narcissistic)...but I read something today and I thought of you because it connected with our posts - that de-cluttering may well be being a positive sign that you are ready for some healing.

Clutter can be very distracting allow focus on external objects/things ....de-cluttering may well be the first step to you freeing up your time and emotional energy so that you can start focusing on You.

From Book: Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren't Being Fooled by Link Removed (the author of "Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse")
"A very interesting possibility is that dissociative individuals may even seek or create environments that require divided attention, such as a hectic workplace. Children who are dissociative may seem to create chaos around them, not because they are disorganized but because they cannot let themselves know. Both children and adults who have been exposed to betrayal trauma may find it easier to manage in environments with a lot of distraction. To low dissociators, this might look like a preference for chaos. It might even appear as if high dissociators are trying to create chaos. Yet in fact they may do this simply because it helps them keep out of their awareness any betrayal information that is too dangerous to know."

 

[mamachick]

@ghotiff-this is very interesting. I think this may be very useful information. I use to multi task and over extend myself and operated very efficiently. Now I want rid of all things that are not useful to me. I want them out of my basement, out of my file cabinets, etc. I want to get things fixed that need repaired and plain simplicity.

I will have to check this book out. Do you like the book? Are you finding it helpful? I am really interested to hear your thoughts on it.

 

[ghotiff]

I haven't read it, just the reviews etc. another thread mentioned it.

I am really vulnerable to reading descriptions if other peoples abuse, particularly if it's details of sex abuse...it results in really bad intrusive thoughts. This book (like so many others ) uses case studies, so I don't think I can read it.

 

[mamachick]

I read the reviews and descriptions. Im not so sure I could comprehend at this time though it sounds interesting. Right now I am not very good at understanding complex ideas, and am leaning toward simple material.

Last Friday I had therapy. I did not think that it was hypnosis, but in hind sight, maybe it was. She had me relax and close my eyes and describe events moment by moment. Asking for just one descriptive word followed by a statement. It took the entire hour to get through the accident which seems to be the beginning of changes for me. Its like I have been cursed ever since. When we finished, I was exhausted for the rest of the day and a couple more. It was strange but I feel like this might be what I need. It brought back childhood stuff I think. This is when I seemed to have trouble making good decisions-not a problem in the past. It changed who I am. If we continue this path, which I think we are, we will eventually address the assault, which led me to a suicide attempt six months after.

Since this, there is an exhaustion but I cant sleep well. She called it processing the event, but I had my eyes closed and felt like I was in a trance. I really cant remember what I said.

 

[ghotiff]

When we finished, I was exhausted for the rest of the day and a couple more. It was strange but I feel like this might be what I need.

Thats great. I'm glad you are feeling some healing.

I really cant remember what I said

Apparently memory is affected by emotion so its really normal to not remember things well when you're emotional....so not remembering well could be a really good sign that you allowed yourself to feel.

I use to multi task and over extend myself and operated very efficiently. Now I want rid of all things that are not useful to me. I want them out of my basement, out of my file cabinets, etc. I want to get things fixed that need repaired and plain simplicity.

I just wanted to comment on much I resonate with this comment.