Nightingale Complex Or Just Desperate?

[Dee Morris]

@Glara It absolutely makes sense. On one hand it's encouraging to see that there are people willing to do as much as they can to be a supporter for the people they are dating. On the other, it's the codependent people people that Solara described...the one and done folks....that are triggering me. Even RussH's response rubbed me the wrong way because I perceived it as encouraging the supporters to expose themselves to unhealthy and even emotionally/mentally abusive relationships because the sufferer has PTSD. I'm absolutely certain that wasn't his intention but from my perception, that was the message. Please don't take that the wrong way RussH. I'm saying that was my emotional response.

I wish I saw more people here for their siblings, parents, children, cousins etc. A strong support system is so important. It sucks when there isn't one. Especially when those people are the cause of the PTSD in the first place. The only family I allow in my emotional circle are my children. However, I don't allow myself to be dependent on my children in any way for support. My brothers were physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually abusive as children and as adults only ever called me when they wanted money. I have cousins but I'm not close to them. I only interact with a couple. The others can't find anything they like about me. Most of that dislike is due to the fact that I identify as an agnostic, liberal feminist. I represent everything their religion tells them to hate. Let's just say that I do not fit in well in Texas. ;-) I think that's a little bit of what drives my sensitivity to the supporter issue. Not having a family support system has forced me to seek support elsewhere and every time I come across a "one and done" type of person, it makes it harder to trust my judgement about who I let into my emotional circle. Does that make sense? Doesn't really help that I over analyze EVERYTHING. Can you tell? lol

 

[Sighs]

Oh boy! Yup. I struggle with this one myself.

There do seem to be a lot of posts on the forum along the lines of "I met this guy online. He's a marine. We really connected. We texted every day for like 3 weeks. Now I find he's sexting another girl. My friends say he's a player but I think he's just really hurting from his time in Afghanistan. I just LOVE him SO much!" Followed by replies basically saying "Hang on. You've never even met this person IRL. Does he even have PTSD? Is he even a marine?" And then the original poster either is never seen again or replies complaining that they thought this was a support group and why are we all attacking them? And, yeah, its a little frustrating.

So... do those of us to chose to have a relationship/stay in a relationship with a sufferer have issues of our own? I guess, like most things, that depends on the situation. If you were in a relationship before one of you developed PTSD and you decide to stay in that relationship - for the sake of the kids, due to financial reasons, religious reasons, or because you just LOVE them SO much - well, does that mean you are co-dependent?

If, like me, you knew full well he had combat PTSD going into the relationship AND you had a fair idea of what that would be like because your father has combat PTSD (developed before you were born)... well... yeah, you should probably be in therapy. ;)

 

[Wastinglight]

I date but I don't really invest a lot emotionally. I feel like I'm not ready. I can't manage all the ups and downs of a relationship and stay focused on school.

Maybe I'm being a bit black and white about this, but if you say you are not yet ready for a relationship, I'm wondering why you are dating people? That would suggest that you are the one who is not being genuine in any interaction with a potential mate. I hope that doesn't come across as being harsh, but I honestly don't see the point of dating if don't think it's going anywhere. It doesn't seem fair to the other person.

Especially the ones from people desperate for help saving their relationship with someone they barely know

Personally, I am glad that people find this forum in an attempt to make sense of what's happening in their relationships, and I would never want to discourage anyone from seeking advice and comfort from others who have come before. Yes, they may decide that the commitment required in a PTSD relationship is too much for them, but at least by accessing this forum, they can make a more informed decision.

 

[Wastinglight]

On the other, it's the codependent people people that Solara described...the one and done folks....that are triggering me.

Agreed - I see I lot of possible codependency issues coming out in what some people are posting here (probably including my own posts sometimes!). I myself was absolutely codependent in my last relationship. Did I know it while I was in that relationship? Nope, not really. That realisation came after I ended it, and I've been working my butt off trying to address my issues, so that I can participate in a healthy way in my current relationship. I think one of the main things that this forum offers is awareness - of the nature of PTSD and issues surrounding it - plus for supporters, there is the opportunity to reach a new level of awareness about why they do the things they do, react the way they react, and so on.

Does that make sense? Doesn't really help that I over analyze EVERYTHING. Can you tell? lol

Totally makes sense. Myself, I am the QUEEN of overanalysis :rolleyes:.

 

[Dee Morris]

Maybe I'm being a bit black and white about this, but if you say you are not yet ready for a relationship, I'm wondering why you are dating people? That would suggest that you are the one who is not being genuine in any interaction with a potential mate. I hope that doesn't come across as being harsh, but I honestly don't see the point of dating if don't think it's going anywhere. It doesn't seem fair to the other person.

I find it interesting that you assume that I am not being genuine in my dating relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am brutally honest in my romantic relationships. Every single person I choose to date knows where they stand and what my priorities are. They then have the option to be my friend or not. No deception involved. As for the purpose of dating, that would be for companionship. Just because I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship doesn't mean I don't enjoy limited romantic attachments. I don't know how old you are but I'm 45 years old. My kids are grown and I'm not interested in raising any more. So the purpose of a romantic relationship is different for me than say someone looking for a husband for whatever reason. Who says dating has to be what people do to find a potential mate?

Personally, I am glad that people find this forum in an attempt to make sense of what's happening in their relationships, and I would never want to discourage anyone from seeking advice and comfort from others who have come before.

As am I and I don't believe I ever discouraged anyone from seeking advice or comfort from others.

 

[Wastinglight]

As for the purpose of dating, that would be for companionship.

Okay sure. I guess I would call that friendship, not dating, but everyone has their own definition. Makes sense, I missed the nuances of what you meant in your earlier postings. It's great that you're upfront about what you're seeking in a partnership-of-some-kind. I meant no offence :oops:

 

[Dee Morris]

None taken.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Wastinglight,
Many people date but don't want a serious relationship. I think that perhaps you assume that dating is futile unless you want a serious relationship. If you assume that everyone wants something serious then it's your problem for assuming, not the other person's problem for leading you on.

 

[Petra Pan]

@Dee Morris,

After I'd worked with my therapist and psychiatrist for some time and I began feeling better, looking forward to my appointments etc, he started accusing me of having an affair with my psychiatrist. Completely crazy and delusional, I doubt he really believed that, it was just his way of sabotaging my recovery to keep me dependent. Does that make sense?

Oh wow, it makes so much sense for me, thank you! I am having quite the same experience, only my therapist is one of the few he doesn't believe I have an affair with, only because she is a woman. But friends back from home, (I am not from London originally, so all my close friends I feel I can talk to a little about my PTSD (not being many) are via skype, whatsapp etc or the only few times I fly home..) they are all in the 'danger zone' for him, because most of them are male, I just grew up with more male friends in my neighborhood. He reads my phone because he has to check I don't talk to anyone the 'wrong way', has comments about what people write to me, and mostly one of my exes - someone, who does not have a romantic relationship to me since a long, long time. But someone who knows my history, my assaults, my treatment journey, my family, and who lets me vent as much as I need, who can 'ground me again' when the anxiety comes knocking. It came to the point where he kicked me out one time from our mutual home, because he read in my messages I had seen him when I was home for Xmas. Screaming and throwing things, that I must have slept with him. This coming from someone whom I have cried several times infront when I talk about how scared I am towards any act of intimacy. I didn't tell him I had met this friend when I was home, simply because I knew what a fit he would throw, but it made it even worse to say the least.. But now he has blocked said person on my phone and all log ins, saying he has the right to do so because he gave me the phone so it is his, and I am never to talk to him again and that I am out on the street again if I do.. Makes me incredibly sad, and makes me feel even more lonely, I lost my biggest chanel to talk, without someone that only wants to listen because he has to be the only person I am dependent on, but never, never understands. If he did, he would not keep pushing my triggers on a daily basis( I mean how the F can someone say 'You have to try to be intimate even if you don't want to' to someone who is recovering from severe PTSD caused by a sexual assault!?).. Sorry to much information. I too overanalyze things, all.the.time.
But what I wanted to say, was I recognize the behavior of a partner trying to slow down, maybe even pause my recovery to never get away from the dependency.

And regarding the agnostic, liberal &feminism, you would fit right in in Sweden where I'm from. :)

 

[Dee Morris]

@Petra Pan What you describe is disturbing. He's controlling and abusing you. :-(

 

[Petra Pan]

@Dee Morris Yeah, that's what I have started to realize, but they ( the codependent ones) disguise it so good, having you think you are the sick one, he is the 'amazing most supportive boyfriend' (yes, that is actually his words about himself) because he pays for rent and all when I am sick. The controlling and emotionally abuse was not as bad in the beginning, when I did let myself get 'taking care of' but as soon as I started to show progress in treatment, the more controlling it became!

 

[Dee Morris]

That's exactly how it was with my ex husband. Except instead of outright forbidding me from doing something, he would use emotional manipulation to either make me feel like I was doing something wrong or just acquiesce to keep the peace.