Beginning Divorce Process!!!

[haltija]

Last night, I had a breakdown but in that time I realized that although I was traumatized, I was traumatized because my ex was. He had his own PTSD after going overseas and self-medicated with a drug that was very dangerous. He had literally lost his mind and has apologized. He has since then worked on things and I'm starting to realized that he has changed and wants to better himself. He wasn't abusive until he came back. He just had a breakdown. I'm learning to accept that.

I finally accepted it today and I'm ready to forgive. I wrote him a short email about getting divorced and decided it's time for him to at least start video calls and getting photos of our son. *He is out of state.* After five years of being separated, I'm feeling less afraid. I have no doubt in his mind that he will be more than willing to negotiate and help me make the best decisions for all of those involved. He has yet to respond, but I believe 100% that he will appreciate the idea and help out.

This is a big step for me and I know it is for him to. We've both been over each other for ages, as we married really young, and I've started a whole new family a couple of years ago out of the blue, which he has always been aware of and has been fine with. We just hadn't gone through the process and my PTSD freakout caused me to block him and ignore him and try to avoid him. I was not helpful.

I can't wait for this to be over and I found out I can legally apply in a specific county in my state, as long as both agree on everything, and never even go to court. Thankfully, we've already agreed on everything and will continue to.

I'm very excited because having this taken care of will bring me to our next big milestone, which is actually getting married to the person I've spent the last couple of years raising a family with. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so happy for you and I hope all goes well and smoothly for you. You are very brave and courageous and I am so happy for you with your new family.

 

[Lucycat]

He is out of state.

Can you explain this a little more? Does it mean he is not in a good state at the moment? Is that a worry for you. What sort of state do you expect or need to be in for you to feel comfortable with the situation?

 

[haltija]

Thank you! :) Sorry for my lack of clarification, Lucycat. That's my bad! American thing. :) He's doing really well for himself, but what I meant was we live in different areas in the country. I feel really good about the whole thing and once he gets my message, I know he will too. It's something we've both put off for way too long or were too distracted with other things and waiting for the other person to do it. lol

 

[City Slicker]

Congratulations @haltija. This is a very exciting time making the changes that will allow you the freedom to close things and move on. All the best to you.

 

[DesiretoThrive]

Thank you for sharing your story. Though painful, I can relate to the struggle. I married 20 years ago and left after the immediate onset of drug, emotional and sexual abuse including his arrest after an extreme offense of domestic violence. I just found out he never filed the divorce papers and I am paralyzed that I have to do this. There are other perps that I fear will find me and putting my address out there for this person and others to see in pubic court documents, real or imagined, is frightening to me. To ask for an annulment after all this time seems out of the question. I have the police reports and copies of all the notarized and signed divorce documents from 1994 (which were signed after three months of marriage) and I hope a judge will find a way to accept this as proof of an annulment.

I wish you all the best. Your story is giving me the courage I, too, need to put this difficult and frightening person where it needs to be...in the past. We will be stronger once through this. united, strong, pensive.

 

[The Albatross]

Very happy you are taking the steps to move on with your life. Hope it all goes well for you, I know this wasn't an easy decision.

 

[haltija]

Thank you everyone. @DesiretoThrive I completely understand your story. It is so hard and terrifying. I believe that in most states, if you don't have contact with the guy and they're unable to serve them directly, they will try to find him by putting an ad in the newspaper. Typically, if they're unable to find him, the divorce will be granted with him or without.

I took a peek at your profile and it looks like you're from CA? I'm from WA. CA is a no-fault divorce state and you don't need his signature. <3 I would strongly recommend at least writing an email (I know I didn't want to handle it physically or in person) to your County Clerk's office explaining your situation and they would be able to tell you.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband replied to my email yesterday. He was shocked but felt good about the situation and agreed to move forward with the process. We both agreed that it's been way too long and it's time to put it behind us. He knows that I'm ready to get married too and he said he feels selfish for getting in the way of that. The change in people can be so surprising, but comforting at the same time.

Edited: Sorry, I missed something while reading. Had to fix that.

 

[DesiretoThrive]

I have an appointment for a Divorce Workshop in a couple of weeks at my location division of the court. Taking this step has actually relieved much of the paralyzing fear, like, I feel stronger for at least making the appointment. I printed all the documents. Not knowing where this guy is or even if he has survived all these years seems like it will complicate the process. But, I will find out at the workshop. I called the clerk of the court and she could not give me "guidance or advice" and referred me to the workshop. Happy to know I am not alone in a situation like this one.

Thanks for starting this thread. And I am happy some people have an amiable ex. I, too, have been in a 14 year healthy relationship with a man who has been patient and kind regarding this ongoing fear. He says he will even go to the workshop if I get paralyzed about it. Fingers crossed it will go quickly.

 

[haltija]

Sorry for my delayed response! I was so busy with work last week. @DesiretoThrive I'm glad you made the first step! Congratulations. The first step is the hardest and then it should be all downhill from there.

Myself, I got the address to send the papers and he said he'll have them notarized and sent back to me as quickly as possible. Fortunately, he's a little eccentric and found himself a new cult, so that's making him extra easy to deal with. At least, now that he feels the need to be extra polite as part of the community. I'm going to take advantage of that while I can.

Have you found your next step yet? :) Hope you are doing well. I know it's rough but we'll be free soon!

 

[DesiretoThrive]

Pulled together a couple of more documents for the Divorce Workshop". I am glad I will not have to locate this person for a signature. Some friends are suggesting I change my name. Wow, has it all really come to that? Anyway, next indicated step is showing up on Feb 5th as prepared as practical and necessary.

I am thrilled you are able to go through your process amiably. Won't it be nice to be totally available in our current relationships? I am excited for us. Keep me posted and I will do the same. And, congrats on getting a polite respondent!

 

[haltija]

Yes!! That sounds great. I am so happy for you! I will keep updating as well. It will be GREAT to be able to get married. My guy has been so supportive and held on with me overtime, despite not being able to get married yet. I'm excited.