Becoming A Real Mental Case Over Pain

[Chava]

Physical pain is driving me insane. I can't tell my doctor I keep thinking about just wanting to die or be done with this because she'll just want to medicate me (I'm already over-medicated because of chronic pain). I already have a therapist but insurance won't cover this therapy for much longer and I don't feel like I can start over right now (or can't handle that stress). WHAT I WANT IS RELIEF FROM PAIN. I see a couple different doctors soon. I'm doing everything I can. But I'm exhausted and even overwhelmed about seeing the doctors. I'm sure I've driving my therapist crazy and I don't even know how to help myself or make use of therapy (canceled, tried to uncancel...not sure when my next appointment is right now because I've been so f*cking crazy).

I'm behind on everything, there is nothing likable about me anymore (it's hard to even be friendly when in pain all the time), I meant to work on relationships but I'm drowning in basic survival crap all the time. Every day. I don't know how to ask for help and of those sort of close to me, I sense they think I'm some sort of wimp or mental case. I am sort of a mental case but the pain is real, I'm exhausted, and I can't handle it much more because I can't handle feeling like I'm wrecking more things, handling things more badly, losing more support, feeling more lost, or burdening anyone. It's not worth it because I'm not a dumbshit. My most powerful sense of self-reliance and relief from pain keeps coming back to just QUITTING. I'd become a drug addict and alcoholic but I've already done that and I'd prefer suicide. I KNOW IT'S NOT A SOLUTION. But so far nothing else is and I just can't keep up...I didn't go to work, cried half the morning, my temperature started diving down (a stress reaction for me, I'm not "sick") and I know I need to go to doctors next week but I'm actually so sick of it right now. Even thinking of seeing another doctor totally screwed up my stomach over the weekend.

But I keep in my head that I'll kill myself at age ___....like putting it out there a year or two. Or waiting until my dog's life has passed. But I think about it all the time lately. I'm so exhausted. I don't have energy to find new support...it's so demoralizing to even try (like half the time I don't know how to ask for help or the person I ask wants to change the subject or compare me to someone who complains a lot....I don't know how to ask for help without sounding like I'm complaining...truth is it hurts too much, I want to die, and I understand that's my problem and I don't know what to do anymore0.

Anyway, I don't want to tell my doctor how terrible I feel because I do have appointments coming up and need to just keep focused. There's nothing else she can really do and nothing I can do. I'm just sick of all of it. My meltdowns aren't pretty and I don't have energy to deal with them anymore. The non-stop pain and feeling like I'm drowning in my own life is too much (like I can't just work part time and don't have a family for help).

Just realized this is probably in the wrong forum. Feel free to move it.

 

[Em C.]

I have pain disorder so I know how you feel. I woke up this morning and everything was on fire and meds don't help. I haven't tried ot but maybe somatic experiencing would help? Also I find distraction techniques to be the most useful ( I watch British panel shows). I know it's hard but keep yourself safe.

*hugs* if you want them

 

[Chava]

Thanks Em, I do somatic experiencing but that is what insurance won't pay for much longer. It has felt helpful, like I was on some track towards learning how to take better care of myself and be more patient with pain. Pain has been worse and the stress of feeling like I need to figure out what to do with a handful more sessions of therapy as I also go through more medical testing is too much. Part of me wants to just quit therapy too because it's just added stress knowing I'm basically suppose to figure out how to transition out of it right now. And I can't afford it on my own. I feel so f*cked. I won't do talk therapy or CBT ever again. I won't even do more therapy. It takes years to even warm up to even a good therapist and I can't handle knowing insurance can change and just f#ck it up. The timing is so bad. I can't handle it. If I didn't have a dog I'd just wreck myself now because it's just slowly happening anyway and I'm disappointing everyone in the process. It's too painful on every level.

 

[Chava]

I did check out a couple chronic pain forums and there just weren't many people, or on one the moderator gluttonously over-responded to everyone so there was no other support, or on one I was hoping to hear about other peoples' experience and the moderator just pasted a couple links to answer a couple of my questions (I do know how to use google). So I appreciate that this forum is used by more people and that it seems like those who choose to read do listen. Anyway, I feel like I've thought of everything. All I think about lately is cutting myself up or getting really drunk and wrecking myself. I just need help soon. I need the right doctor. I understand it's a process but I don't have support or stamina for it I'm afraid. I'm just melting down under all the pressure to keep up.

 

[darrenS]

if your medicated and still in pain ....is the medication adequate ? i have suffered similar and was in pain and being under medicated which left me feeling suicidal and everything else along with it , my psychiatrist intervened and told my pain dr to medicate the pain appropriately or else my ptsd symptoms will get worse. My pain Dr has been very open and always checks in with me about my medication habits etc and the intervention allowed me to feel normal and since this has happened i have also been able to stop meds occasionally and control my pain a lot better

 

[Em C.]

Have you tried physio? I found that it helped a lot

 

[Chosen]

do you have lyme's disease? whether diagnosed or undiagnosed? I have a friend with that who is in pain all the time and she keeps having to switch her meds around to fight back the infections.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I've been in a lot of pain since October, but through tooth extraction, antibiotics, and other meds, I'm hoping it will go away. I can't imagine constantly being in pain long-term. Maybe you could get medical marijuana?

Prayed for healing for you.

 

[Chava]

@darrenS I don't have a pain doctor right now, just hopping around departments on primary referrals. Rheumatology soon but just seeing whatever resident I could get in with most quickly. I don't feel super confident. I could increase one of my pain meds for half the pain but it makes the head pain worse, so there is some compounded mix of pain I do need help with...different meds or meds I can safely take together.

@Em C. I've done many years of physical therapy. My muscles are great. Looking for better diagnosis (then maybe a better form of physio could be helpful). I exercise gently, do non-straining strength stuff. Doesn't matter. I look super healthy too, so even if I try to explain how bad I feel nobody understands.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Noah . Probably not lyme's. A couple things will be ruled out next week but I just don't feel like naming those possible diagnosis here. I'd totally smoke weed if it was legal where I'm at. Nevermind that I'm in AA. Just trying not to kill myself this year.

 

[darrenS]

that sucks Chava , finding a good pain dr as we already discussed is very trying and i would certainly arm myself with any specialists reports etc .
As always if i can be of any assistance dont hesitate to let me know -

 

[Chava]

I'm keeping good notes and keeping records organized. I didn't realize meeting with new docs was so stressful for me but I'm following the referrals and trying to get stuff narrowed down and do the right thing, end up in the right place. I am taking muscle relaxants which should help this evening. It's just like one moment at a time, but too much. I run out of patience a lot lately.

 

[Em C.]

I run out of patience a lot lately.

That's totally understandable. It's stressful doing appts in the first place when it's just for a regular doc. These kinds of things when you have to be your own advocate because really hard to deal with. Sometimes I just pick one thing and let the others slide because I know any more appts in a week and I'll snap. You're being your own advocate in really trying circumstances and you're doing a great job! Don't lose hope!

*gentle hugs if you want them*