Structural Dissociation?

[Chava]

In my daily life I'm pretty fearless (though un-obviously avoidant through how I overwork or get otherwise distracted or distanced). I'm confident at work, a leader, and have even been told I'm intimidating (which I'm NOT but some people view confidence that way). On my own and often in therapy I am really like this snail in a shell...quiet, even shy, and feel this sense of invisibility (and simultaneously craving invisibility and wanting to be seen). With other therapists I could only talk about work and maintain this sort of aloof and over-confident front. It's not false, by the way, I really like my work, but it's like I have a really well-developed professional personality but the rest is under-developed and scared. Anyway, I think it's probably good this feeling of being small and hiding in the closet could resurface a bit while working with another human being because I don't doubt it's always in the background of the confident-aloof-avoidant-workaholic who sends everyone "I'm too busy for you" messages. I act like I need nobody but I'm super lonely in my isolation. It feels A LOT like my childhood never ends.

 

[Eleanor]

Oh @Chava :(:(:(. Hugs if you accept them.....Particularly for the snail. I'm super good at snail hugs.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Eleanor ...I'm okay. Super used to it but I think just recognizing it better, the whole disconnection. What bothers me more is insurance not paying for my current somatic therapy where I can be this hidden self more comfortably. In talk therapy I just turn into a totally presentable adult and get NOWHERE because I feel totally blocked this way. I could even sit and talk about trauma but I'd be totally disconnected from it...I'm super good at this. Seems to take a special setting to let that snail be, and just be a snail for a long time, but just be and slowly re-experience safety. Insurance company is going to totally f#ck this up for me and I have no choice or similar substitute therapy. In talk therapy I've done in the past I think that snail self was even more scared. CBT was the worst for me because it questioned all the logic. I AM logical, but this other part of me is NOT, but I do relate to it over-taking executive functioning...just can't tell me my thoughts are flawed without leaving room for this other self and seeing her and hearing her out (though she's excessively quiet)....it WAS logical at some point. Extremely reasonable.

Anyway, back to original post ideas...thanks @shimmerz for bringing it up because it does help me put some of this into words...not sure if that's the adult self connecting to this childish snail self but I am totally aware of the different parts.

 

[Chava]

p.s. have you ever touched a snail's feelers (or are those eyes?). Okay, that's kind of mean, but even if you touch it super light it does like a whole body flinch. That's also what I feel like, oddly, if not just totally numb and existing in some space right beyond my body.

 

[Eleanor]

Can you find a T who will bill for one and do the other? OR.. we just switched insurance and ... long story.. my point is that we had to open and HSA - because it is a high deductible plan, and the HSA money is pre tax, and employers will often contribute to them, and they are pretty loosey goosey about qualifying expenses to use it for..

 

[Chava]

I'm glued into my company's insurance plan, so is my HSA. I could probably add to it pre-tax but I am really cutting low on dollars of any kind because I've lost some of my work in recent years due to physical problems. I have a little transitional time that hopefully I can use wisely to figure some stuff out. thanks @Eleanor :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry guys, this is long and I don't expect anyone to read it. This is just a post to help me sort out the huge amount of information and apply it to my psyche.

@Chava , ever wonder if we do the research etc that we do as a way of keeping touch with our ANP?

Okay, taking this one chunk at a time. It is almost like my brain is not letting this 'sink in' because it does it to protect me. Fascinating. I found a window this morning though and can take in this much:

Structural dissociation Is a "neurological process", where an accumulation of unprocessed trauma events overwhelm the mind, brain and the individual as a whole, causing a separation in the functions of the personality.

ANP = "apparently normal part"
EP = "emotional part"

The problem is that I feel parts of me that are walled off from each other. They feel like they are driven by a whole set of rules that belong to themselves only. They do not merge together at all but I am conscious of them both, making me 'different' from DID. It seems that integration will need to focus on my emotions. Ewwwwwww!

Separate Parts (why not DID)

Structural dissociation is the only time a "split" will ever occur; there is never any action that could be properly called a split during state (ANP/EP) creation.

This is good to know. Apparently secure attachment is huge in all of this as well and was not part of my environment when the split occurred. Oddly enough I have been dealing with a ton of 'attachment' issues to key people in my life since the melt down. The above paragraph (to me) means I don't have to worry about further 'splits' as DID affected people do.

PTSD

...an abundance of evidence has been presented in an attempt to prove that individuals who were able to obtain a secure attachment during their childhood...are immune to ever having post-traumatic stress disorder.

Apparently secure attachment is huge in all of this as well and was not part of my environment when this occurred. I often wondered why some do not get PTSD when it feels like they 'should'. This would explain that.

Personality Formation

The personality...is one area divided into two by a dissociative boundary. On one side of the boundary are the.. ANP and on the other side are the "less than distinct parts of the personality" (EP).

People used to comment, prior to my breakdown, how 'non emotional' or 'controlled' I was. This was not something I felt I tried to do. It was just me. I didn't realize what range of emotions for normal folks were -- I am thinking now, because they were walled off in my psyche. Inaccessible. So makes sense. I feel like because I was so unemotional, it lead to my being stupidly good at my logic driven life. The problem came when a hugely emotional breach of trust happened which my logical self couldn't sort through, bringing my EP to front - very very quickly. I totally lost my ANP in the process and couldn't get it back.

Primary, secondary and tertiary Structural Dissociation

Primary (PTSD): If no more than two divisions are present (one ANP and one EP), the person has a Primary structural dissociation, which is common to PTSD.

Secondary (C-PTSD????): Secondary Structural Dissociation occurs when one additional EP is formed (which some people with PTSD and C-PTSD are able to do). The hypothesis is that this happens because of an overload of unprocessed trauma.

Tertiary

...only dissociative identity disorder is thought to exist in this realm...it's the fact there are two or more distinct states, which are...the ANP...and only this disorder has two or more distinct states. [DID also] has at least two less than distinct states (EP) and usually many more. Onno van der Hart and Ellert Nijenhuis strongly believe the reason for the two or more distinct states is that this disorder manifests itself during infancy, and then during the next "phase of childhood" during which, massive changes to the brain and mind take place.

I often wondered why I didn't get DID - I wonder if this is because I was adopted at two years old into a relatively decent home which interrupted the section in bold, above.

Look up Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD).
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The EP and ANP model fit this nicely. I am perfectly normal (if you call stupidly competent and focused 'normal'). This is ANP. When I had my meltdown (EP switch?) I was over the top emotional, needy, scared (never had fear before D-day), etc - no logic. My personality turned like a light switch. One day I was great, (ANP), and in 5 minutes or less I lost my entire life to the EP. All normal skills were gone. Completely. This, of course had me react more emotionally. This lasted for 8 years.

Look up True Amnesia.
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I have no true amnesia (I call this co-consciousness), and have a sense I only have 2 parts (ANP and EP). This fits as to why I am not DID.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is completely different from all the other disorders mentioned above. Two distinct states exist in this disorder, and what is experienced when two distinct states switch is "true amnesia." This is due to the incredible phobia that exists between these states...True amnesia only exists in dissociative identity disorder.

I knew this which is why I knew I didn't have DID. I also knew that the time I switched was way too long -- 42 years for ANP and 8 years for EP and the fact that I knew who I felt I 'really' was (ANP). I also have this strange feeling that I was familiar with my EP when it came up front and knew exactly what age I was in my life when it was formed. I had dissociative amnesia for these years and was a ward of the Children's Aid so pursued getting my history once I had shored up my toolbox to deal with what I could potentially learn about those years.

This is why I lost it completely. My frontal lobes were lost to me and driven by emotions and not logic as they had been when ANP was engaged. My way of switching back and forth is the 'full control' way, which is why my life changed instantly.

Okay, enough for now. Brain is over taxed. Please forgive if this doesn't make sense in places (or all of it). This was completely overwhelming.

Book for reference:
Haunted Self

 

[Pencil]

A side-note: All of this relates to boundaries as well. It is so difficult to explain to anyone that the EPs have different boundaries - and one seems to have NO boundaries. I'm sure people I deal with regularly think I'm nuts, for someone will do something that one EP will be totally fine with, only to do the same thing a few days later in the presence of another EP - who will fly into a murderous rage. Having consistent boundaries is impossible. BEING consistent is impossible.

 

[Ronin]

Re: consistency - habits, routines, rituals. If you've got anything you really *need* to stick to, consistency becomes easier. It's not impossible. It's possible even in high stress environments / situations. Just have a firm set of rules, goals, timeframe, and stick to them for that time. People are creatures of habit essentially; it's applicable for more-modes/states/persons people as well.

 

[Pencil]

Nope. Impossible.

I battled for four decades (=40 years) to be consistent. My ANP desperately wants to be consistent in specific areas. I make lists, I draw up schedules, I set alarms. The problem is .. the EPs don't give a rat's arse. They have OTHER priorities, and they, consistently, want OTHER things. If there is no continuity, there can't possibly be consistency. It is in high stress situations that consistency become EASIER, not more difficult - for the simple reason that when under pressure, one of the 'parts' stays present.

I stopped fighting with myself only when I started understanding what I was dealing with.

 

[Ronin]

@Pencil, what about meeting them halfway. Because they do need you, the present and functioning you, to stay alive (if nothing else you're maybe at different development, but you're still the same body). There's basic priorities that just have to be met and agreed on, and you're doing it just by being alive - now to make it more conscious 'something I'm doing well' for more parts.

And then there's the question of 'consistent who FOR'. It's perfectly fine to not give a single damn about other people's /judgment/, yet work on ways to reduce inner strife. I mean... in a way minds structured as not-so-narrow, are a team. It's quite possible to still be kicking for own team even when having meets with all the different players (other people in life.)

 

[Pencil]

Kaia, I'm not quite following.