Is It Possible To Say "i Love You" With Ptsd

[Deleted member 1860]

Why would he say that hurts?

Because sometimes it does.

I've felt pitied by people on this issue, and I don't like it, so please don't pity me. It is what it is. Anyway, when someone tells me they love me, my instincts tell me to throw my phone across the room (if it is said on my phone), to scream at them in their face, or pick up the closest, largest object within my reach and hurl it at them as fast and as hard as I can. Nice, huh? Oh, but I never do b/c I can't afford a new phone and I resist doing the other two things.

@jaccat hit the nail on the head. Love=vulnerability=pain. Love was never something good. It was a tool that people could use against you in order to hurt you.

I've got to cut my reply short as this topic sets me on edge. But I hope I could help you see why love hurts for some of us.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My man has told me he loves me only 3 or 4 times over the years, and every time has been PAINFUL for him. we have an understanding as to what "communicates" love to me -- I do have a "need" to receive his affection, but I don't have to be married to a word -- for him, sometimes "I LIKE you" is more powerful for him to say - and he can sometimes steer around the "I love you" by saying "I communicate love for a person by [fill in the blank]" and then he will DO that thing for me.

One time we were chatting on-line and he teased me, so I told him he was MEAN (lol), and he replied:
"If by mean, you mean love, then ya, I mean you." I count that as one of the times he told me he loves me. ;)

Just get CREATIVE with each other. And TRUST what he shows you of his heart, even if his words can't always match. <3 (Anything else might just be my own insecurities trying to get the better of me, and I would rather believe better of HIM!)

*my 2 cents for whatever they're worth :) *

~S2B

 

[Momofthree]

for him, sometimes "I LIKE you" is more powerful for him to say

The first time I told my partner "I really like you a lot" he said "Just like?" and was slightly hurt since he had just told me he loved me. I then told my partner that 'I love you' doesn't mean much to me. We should love everyone (love one another is the golden rule right?), I love my family (even though they are toxic and hurt me all the time), I even love my children's psychotic father (I hope he gets help and becomes a decent person). But if I tell you 'I like you' it means I want to be around you, I want to spend time with you, and I think you're an awesome person! 'I like you' is a lot more powerful then 'I love you' in my book.

 

[Lucycat]

I always tell my husband that I love him. Every single day. But it is something I had to learn - from him I guess. My parents never said it to me, until I said it to my Mum once about 5 years ago and she reciprocated. I nearly fell over. I have an 'adopted Mum' who tells me she loves me every single time we speak. It does get easier with practice both to hear it and to say it.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Lucycat .. My man is learning, too ;) He is pretty convinced he'll be able to evolve on saying "the L word" over time. Especially if/when we get married. (That's our PLAN, but I have also had to relinquish my expectations about what kind of timeline we're working with. I'm ready, but he's still terrified of commitment, cuz he's been "screwed over" so many times in the past. <3 )

~S2B

 

[Julesnaz]

The first time I said I love you to my guy he said that he couldn't say it back. everyone that has loved him has left so he doesn't want to get hurt. Though he is getting better and he has said that he loves me for who I am. I'll take that.

 

[Nam]

Maybe it's because his version of love isn't the same as yours. I know that it's true between me and my hubby. My love for him is like @FridayJones, where at that moment, maybe I don't feel it. Or it waivers from time to time. Or it gets replaced all together by another emotion like anger. To my husband, once you love someone, it's really hard to break that bond. For me, it's just this fragile wisp that can be broken with a breath. So, before I say it, he knows what it means. That it doesn't mean the same kind of love that he gives me. It takes a ton of talking, really getting in touch with your feelings and being open with your partner about it. Over time, my love has solidified and has gotten stronger, but it's not something that just appears. It takes a ridiculous amount of nurture for it to grow.

 

[Beachlife09]

For me it's because the phrase holds a lot of emotion and I just can't feel that much positive emotion right now. But my Mother gets very hurt and sad if I don't say it back so I say it all the time and it's caused the phrase to lose meaning. I feel made to say it most of the time. @emz315 Maybe that's why your partner said it hurts? Like he can't say it back and so he feels so bad that it hurts? I don't know, just my thought. :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet tells me he loves me, but it took awhile. He doesn't have any childhood traumas about love at all. I think after combat he just had some issues feeling worthy of love. He felt guilty about being happy, freaked out by commitments, and panicky about change. He still doesn't sloppily tell me he loves me 10 times a day, but he will say it occasionally when it's meaningful. He more often asks me if I "feel loved" by him. That seems to be important to him.

have a different phrase that isn't triggery (if this actually is the issue), or perhaps a pet word that he calls you that could mean 'I love you' in PTSD-eez?

^^This happens for us. He tells me I'm better than a kick in the balls... that's high romance up in here. :inlove:

 

[anthony]

is this part of PTSD?

PTSD... No. Trauma... possibly.

 

[Seagreen]

I've never told my partner of 3 years that I love him. I don't love him in a romantic way although I do in other ways. He often tells me he loves me but to be honest I don't think that words are required to validate everything in life. The word 'love' has so many preconceptions attached to it. Sometimes things are sweeter just being what they are without needing the language to define them.

 

[Wastinglight]

It took my guy 6 months to say it to me (mind you, I didn't say it for 6 months either, because I wasn't sure he was ready to hear it yet. But then I just blurted it out one day, and he reciprocated).

Anyway, I think in my guy's case, it's as much about his commitment issues and fear of rejection (after being betrayed in a big way by a past girlfriend) as it is about his PTSD. Probably more so.

But now that we have both said it... it took him a few weeks to feel comfortable saying it unsolicited, but now he does tell me fairly often. And when he says it, I FEEL it.

Only your guy knows what is behind his unwillingness to say it. Maybe he feels like it's unsafe to make himself vulnerable in that way. It could be that he has some more healing to do before he feels comfortable expressing his deepest feelings.