My Uncle Is Still In Denial That I Am Mentally Disabled And Cannot Do Most Things.

[shimmerz]

No, I think that you are in denial that you can do most things.

I think that is the problem here. I couldn't work, couldn't volunteer, couldn't do any of the things your uncle suggested, but I was, and still am, working like hell to figure this out. I refuse to live a limited life. Most of us here are like that. Look in success stories, read posts with a different set of eyes - you will see we all work damned hard to aim for better.

You have a choice to make. Better comes 60 seconds at a time. What have you done in the last minute that will help you experience a better life? If nothing, then change it. Prove them wrong.

Your Uncle has nothing to do with any of this - you do - to me mention of him is just a distraction in this posting.

 

[rightkindofme]

The thing is, you are talking to a whole forum of people with severe mental illness. I have PTSD, PMDD (that's premenstrual dysphoric disorder meaning that 5-10 days before my period I go into heavily suicidal periods that don't end till I start bleeding every month), gad (generalized anxiety disorder), probably fibromyalgia but so far doctors just sneer and tell me I'm making the pain up as a drug seeker (the fact that I don't want narcotics isn't a factor), ibs (meaning I have horrible vicious diarrhea whenever I get upset at all), and major depression since childhood and and and. Lots of problems and diagnosis.

I do things. This year I am going on a five month road trip with my kids even though my therapist believes that someone with my level of issues won't be able to handle it. It's actually terrible how discouraging she is. She flat out told me she is pretty sure I will fail and I need plans for how to get home in an emergency when I can't function,

I do have back up plans, I'm sorta obsessed with back up plans. But I rarely fail on the big things I pursue. Sometimes it takes me longer than it takes other people, but I don't see that as a failure. I see that as a victory for my perseverance.

I went to college and got a BA and a teaching certificate. I taught until I had kids. It was ridiculously hard, but I learned how to do it. Now I home school my kids.

Don't underestimate yourself. You will rise to the bar you set or sink to it. If you decide you are helpless and incompetent, you will make that true. I'm not saying, "I can do things so anyone can." I'm saying you don't really know what you can do until you try in a sustained way. Failure is part of the learning process and if you let yourself get discouraged you will never learn what you can really do.

I wouldn't talk to family about this stuff any more if you get upset by them not agreeing that you are helpless. If they did agree it would be bad for you anyway.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Me too I have complex trauma, gad, depression, panicky attacks, suicide ideation, IBS, back problems, recovering from years of domestic abuse, 3 kids all with multiple health disorders, no family, few friends. I'm 50 this year and I am going to start my life yet again and study a masters at uni. Only one unit and I am terrified, I have no idea if I will succeed, there could be so many pitfalls and it is so hard, but I'm going to do it. Couple of years ago I wouldn't have even tried.

 

[J_trustno1]

@rightkindofme : I also have PMDD. I was diagnosed with last year in October because I always went into severe hell of emotions, extreme end of depression and even suicidal 7-10 days before my menstrual cycle began. As a result, I am given 3 different supplements along with antidepressants. Things are starting to ease up a bit now but I still struggle. However, I am not as horrible as I was 4 months ago with all the symptoms of PMDD. I had the Saliva hormone test for all female reproductive hormones and it turned out that my E1 (i.e. Estrone levels = bad hormone responsible for mid-cycle bleeding, abnormal bleeding in between periods, PMDD and PMS) is way too high, it is way above the normal range and as a result I am also given Herbal supplement for estrogen balance. Just check out your hormones and find out which ones are out of order. Lastly. NEVER go on synthetic birth control pills as they increase xenoestrogens resulting huge increase in wrong estrogen,E1. You can PM me for any further info if you are interested.

Sorry for the distraction everyone. I just felt like sharing a bit of info with the person above as she is struggling with the same PMDD issue I have been struggling for God knows how many years.

 

[Chava]

I know having one chronic illness can feel very isolating, let alone a couple. But I have to ask, since I'm confused, is it that you can't work because of your mental health issues or because of your physical issues? Your original post mentioned PTSD and some other things (many of us obviously relate), but when asked about even volunteering you mention that you cannot because of your fibromyalgia and lupus. Totally different issues. Difficult I'd believe, but it does appear from the outside that you will use whichever might get most support as ultimately disabling.

I have chronic pain, have been tested for everything reasonable at this point. My pain is myofascial, stabbing sometimes, but pretty constant. Sometimes muscle spasms make it hard to get a good breath. It can be really exhausting. I have some structural issues but a lot of the pain is likely influenced by the cptsd stuff. I do work 40 hours a week. It feels really great that I can do that, but also exhausting. I honestly wish I could afford to work part time, like maybe 75%. I can't. (I get by on a mix of medications, bracing, and limiting my involvement or physical demands outside of work). This isn't saying that I relate to what you are feeling exactly. All I know of lupus is that is can be quite limiting too, as well as fibromyalgia. But just notice that you have a very long list of reasons why you are totally disempowered..

Likely the combination is very challenging, but people have worked or been involved somehow in the community with any of these conditions. And whether work or something else, many of us have had to do it imperfectly and not totally healed. It's a process. I might never perfectly heal all my stuff. The question I have for you, admittedly based on the little I know of you, is what kind of safety you get in being sick? I ask because my pain sometimes feels like a friend and the limitations also help me confine my world to something smaller than I feel like I know how to manage sometimes.

 

[The Albatross]

Kristina25 said "I tried DBT for 1 day. Couldn't handle it. It made me stressed out and I couldn't do it."

Hmmm. Here's the thing. Trying something once/twice/three times and then giving up can become a habit, the habit can become a behavior, and the behavior can lead to a life of diminishing returns and isolation, poverty, or other consequences of leading an avoidant life.

DBT for instance, is generally considered to improve PTSD and Bipolar. Eating anti inflammatory foods and working on lifestyle changes can help fibromyalgia. Rather than shoot the messenger, pause to consider that you uncle is a well intentioned man, bluntly or candidly calling your attention to your proclivities and expressing that he wants more for you than what he is witnessing.

It is though a decision that only you can make. I decided to educate myself on my own chronic illnesses, ADD/ADHD, PTSD, and SUDs (Substance Use Disorder). I also have chronic illnesses ( 7 physical chronic medical diagnoses, a couple major ones and 5 lesser ones... but one of mine causes inflammation). I took up my own life and character development as my "hobby" and immersed myself in goal setting and personal exposure challenges until I was able to accommodate stress. The stress of interacting with other people, the stress of driving, the stress of working a job (volunteer at first, but now am employed). I am beating my prognosis's.

From time to time I am "called out" by my family, even my spouse... yet as I've chipped away at it over the years, by all accounts, I am "better/improved" beyond what was expected both by my medical doctors and by my spouse and family.

It can happen. But I read the trying DBT for one day, with "it made me stressed out and I couldn't do it"... and that bothered me. I know I didn't try to ride a bike once unsuccessfully having fallen which stressed me out. I got up, dusted myself off and got back on the bike.

Yeah, it was hard and it stressed and still can stress me out... but guess what? My choice, personally was to endeavor to work with treatment, self improvement, self care and management techniques to maximize the potential to get and live a "generally beneficial life". It took me about 14 years... but it has been worth it.

 

[Ronin]

If I may, Kristina25 - you learned of three different jobs that aren't worth you, you learned of three different places that aren't jibing with you, that don't move you to where you need to be - in fact that's not three times a failure, that's three times finding out what isn't the bingo of your life. You don't have to stop looking just because of that past, it's in fact more likely you'll find somewhere you fit if you don't stop looking. There's also decaades ahead of you you can be gaining experience. Lifetime of choices.

And is it really important what one person thinks of your life? Why is it important? If you're liking what you're doing, more strength to you, get better at what you're doing, enjoy what you're doing, or plain don't stop doing what you're doing, it's all good. If you don't... what would you want to do instead? From that point it's getting pieces to the puzzle of how to get there and when, not IF.

Edited to add: You really can be seriously mentally ill and also seriously kicking ass. They just don't tell you that. ;)

 

[The Albatross]

Whether they are being "mean to you" is subjective... and a matter of perception. But even if it was, mean... there can be a benefit of seeing how other people perceive me. I chose to work and better my situation based on some of the negative information I received from my own family... and prove them wrong, prove my doctors wrong, and test out for myself what worked for me to improve my situation and get myself a better life.

 

[Kristina25]

I think your uncle is actually trying to help, he is not a mental health expert he is an ordinary guy who sees you stuck in this terrible disease and he is wording it in the only way he knows how. I'm afraid it is very hard, but if you just sit back and let the diagnosis mean you are incapable of doing anything then that is what will happen.

My uncle is not just an ordinary guy, he is an asshole always has been. I am incapable of doing something. That is exactly what the SSA was saying when they gave me my disability.

Your diagnosis do not mean you are incapable of working or studying. BUT it is extremely hard to push through and you need support from a good therapist who will tell you the right things. Not that you are incapable of doing anything because you have this diagnosis but that you CAN do anything you want if you put your mind to it. It will be tough, but it is not impossible. You need support to push you into doing it. There is no reason why you can't work and do things, may be part time, maybe voluntary. But when you start to try you will find you can do these things.

I am trying to get a therapist currently. And yes I am incapable of working. And I sure as hell could not work a part time job. I cannot work for one when I am on disability. And second of all I would not make enough money to pay my bills if I worked part time and didn't have my SSDI anymore.

My sister was borderline personality, she did nothing with her life, she refused to do any care or management of herself and wanted everyone to do it for her. She stayed with my abusive mother because my mother would clean and cook and give her money and she did not have to work or do a thing. She then hooked onto abusive boyfriends because they would look after her and she didn't have to work. She was like a baby, she could not look after herself because she never learned. She ended up dead.

I can barely make myself brush my teeth once a day. Sometimes I will not take a shower for a day because I can't make myself. I can't clean my apartment but maybe every 3 months. I wear the same clothes for a week. Most of the time I wear the same shorts for a month sometimes longer because I think they are perfectly clean enough to wear them that long. I sleep all the time because I have Fibromyalgia and possibly Lupus and those Diseases make you very fatigued. I can barely take care of my animals and I have a lot. I have 2 cats, 2 cockatiels, and a goldfish and aquatic frog. I can barely even feed them because I'm either sleeping or I can't make myself get up. My cats had a self feeder because I could get up to feed them so little. Now I have to try and feed them from a bowl because the vet says my cats are too heavy. I'm glad my birds have big food and water bowls because I can barely feed them. And my fish and frog are lucky I can find the energy to get up once a day and feed them and all the other animals. And no I don't abuse my animals because they always have food but it's very hard for me to keep it that way. My fiance is getting a job as a manager at his work in 2016 after he gets some training. We are going to get a house together and were getting married in Disney World because I've never been there and I think it would be really kool to get married there. And yes, after we get the house I plan on staying at home all the time. Cleaning with the help of my fiance or husband. And I am going to be staying on my SSDI for the rest of my life. My husband will be taking care of me and fortunately he is not abusive.

My sister needed people around her who would have encouraged her to become independent and not reliant on abusers. She didn't, she died of suicide after another one of her abusive boyfriends dumped her.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You are young, you can stay at home and do nothing for the moment, but as you get older, that will get more and more difficult as you become dependent on aging parents (who you mention your family are not supportive anyway) and a mental health system and welfare state that will lead you to poverty and less and less self-esteem.

As I stated I will have a husband to rely on.

You are young, it is much easier to get the support and help at your age. You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.

No I can't because I can barely function.

Anyone who is telling you that your diagnosis means you are not capable of being productive in some way in life is wrong and it is abuse. Your uncle may be approaching it in the wrong way but he is right, you can and should be encouraged to try to get off that computer and live your life. You are young it goes quickly, take advantage of your youth, it is a gift that does not last.

I agree being young is a gift that doesn't last. But I also know I can barely function.

 

[Chava]

Wait. You don't have lupus but "possibly lupus"? Did you self-diagnose lupus? The other stuff too? If you think you have lupus, you need to see a doctor.

So we're down to fibromyalgia. Did you get on disability because of fibromyalgia? (would shock me but I'd like to know, maybe I could cut back a couple hours). So your uncle doesn't understand how debilitating your PTSD is and the PTSD people don't understand how debilitating your fibromyalgia and (possible lupus) is? It sounds like you've made up your mind on how little power you have either way. If you haven't already done so, you could visit a fibromyalgia forum where lots of people work and exercise, and you could them you have severe mental illness which prevents this. I hope you still consider the questions I posted originally about what being completely and totally powerless does for you (nobody is saying you should have to work 40 hour weeks but if you read your posts, you shut down EVERYTHING, nothing is possible for you, which seems out of proportion to what many of us know of mental illness, and non life-threatening chronic illness or pain). Have you been diagnosed with depression?

Do you live with your uncle or why is his opinion so hard on you?

Movement helps fibromyalgia pain. A good colleague of mine has it and I've been tested (same level of pain, sometimes worse, but manifests itself differently). So doing nothing might actually be exacerbating your pain and feelings of disability. I know you will say you can't go for a walk or do anything, but that's the trap. You won't break.

 

[Ronin]

^^ This.

Also, if you DO break.... it might not be the end of the world. Certainly not enough to stop living for it. A break is just a time before things get back together.

Adding: Kristine, your uncle doesn't sound like an asshole one bit. He cares. He's giving you directions. He's not giving you false directions. He isn't lying to you about life. He tells it as it is. Assholes *never* do that. And if by chance he were an asshole - he's a damned *valuable* one, because his advice is valid. That you don't know the value of gold doesn't make that gold a dust.

 

[digger]

My uncle is not just an ordinary guy, he is an asshole always has been.

Then why did you ask his advice in the first place?

You've had a lot of good advice given on this thread and I don't really have much to add except that I hope you take some time to read back through it all several times and try and take some of it on board.

Your uncle's advice also reads to me like it comes out of a place of concern for you. I don't think it's denial but more about having more belief and hope for you than you have in yourself. If however you genuinely still believe that he doesn't love or care about you, then I would suggest you stop asking for his advice.

Almost everyone on this board either is, or has been, in a place of great suffering, but the thing about this forum is that you will find that most people here are also working hard on their healing and on challenging the restrictions that suffering places on your life. If what you are looking for here is for people to support your idea of complete helplessness, I don't think you'll find it - many of us have, and do, feel it at times too, but you have to keep challenging it and yourself.