How To Leave An Abusive Relationship Discussion

[Seagreen]

Leaving an abusive relationship is difficult for many people. Sometimes people reach out for help and often receive responses like "you need to leave" or "if you don't leave the abuse will get worse and you may die". These kinds of comments are well meaning, but are they always helpful?

Sometimes the victim is not aware they are being abused and may need convincing. Sometimes they are aware but feel so trapped in their situation that leaving seems impossible and they require other kinds of support or advice.

I was in an abusive relationship. It took me years to recognise that I was a experiencing domestic violence but I knew long before that I wanted to escape the pain. My first attempts to do this included changing my own behaviour to avoid abuse, encouraging my partner to get counselling and seeking my own treatment for depression after having a breakdown. Once these options were exhausted I started looking for an exit.

One of the hurdles I encountered while trying to leave the abusive partner was a lack of empathic advice. People were quick to tell me I was in a bad situation and that I should leave immediately. But it is a lot more complex than that. I knew better than anyone that my situation sucked and was trying very hard to leave. At the time it felt like an impossible task for many reasons. I wanted meaningful, useful advice from people who understood. A lack of this left me feeling alone and hopeless.

From the first time I tried to leave it took 3 serious attempts over a period of 5 years to get away from him. There was no single moment where I felt free to just leave, it was a process that took a lot of hard work and many years to navigate. I am interested in understanding more about why this is.

I genuinely hope that by understanding more about what keeps people 'stuck' in these situations, I will be able to better advise or relate to victims of domestic violence who ask for help.

I made this post for people to discuss things such as:
what stops a victim from leaving / escaping?
how they overcame those obstacles?
what helped / what didn't help?
What they wish could have been done differently?

 

[Queen Boudica]

No for me I needed to be told point blank this was abuse. I was too brainwashed to see it. I needed someone to tell me and I needed someone to say it is right to leave. I didn't know I needed to escape, I thought it was my fault and that I would not survive without him and my kids needed him and he was all so wonderful and looking after me. I needed to be told it wasn't Ok for my kids and it wasn't.

I needed to be told no it wasn't my fault, I needed to be told he was abusive and it was obvious he was getting worse anyway. I needed to realise I could do this. And be told I could do this.

Best thing my psychologist did was give me the abuse wheel that I could tick off every section of abuse.

But I also needed support of a good psychologist. I couldn't do it on my own.

This is the wheel of abuse because I think so much of it you are just thinking it is normal because a lot of us are from abusive childhoods. This really helped open my eyes. But I still doubted myself. Self-doubt is huge. I needed to be pulled along and get away from him, then the fog and the extreme stress of living under that amount of control for so long and being gaslighted and told it was you and emotionally manipulated and guilted and made to feel worthless. Gradually the fog lifted. Taken me 3 years till I finally have the true picture. I couldn't even recognise that he actually raped me.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

 

[Queen Boudica]

Another couple of thoughts. By writing it down and re-reading it over and over. Seeing it in black and white.

My psychologist got me to watch the movie sleeping with the enemy. Yes that control from Mr Charm. And Gaslight the movie. Gaslighting is so important, it makes you crazy, you can't trust your own thoughts.

 

[scout86]

I wasn't in what I'd consider to be a scary, physically abusive relationship. It just wasn't a very good situation and it wasn't going to get better.

The first problem, though, was definitely see it for what it was and realizing I needed to get out of it. It's easy to believe that it's all your own fault and, if you can just figure out how to do things "right" you can fix it.

The second problem as I was more worried about my ex than myself. I needed to realize that people "like him" are quite capable of taking care of themselves. I, as an individual, wasn't important to the relationship or to him. He was quite capable of replacing me with someone else. (And he did.)

Beyond that, the tactics and resources needed are going to depend on the situation. I had friends who insisted I check in daily, so they knew I was alright. (When I wasn't sleeping on their couch!) I thought that was a bit over the top. He was too lazy to be dangerous. But sometimes there IS a real physical danger. I think you really DO need some kind of outside support. A place to stay. Someone to reassure you that you're doing the right thing. Abusive partners tend to try to cut you off from the outside world so THEY can control how you see things. You need the outside world to help overcome that. Depending on just how crazy/dangerous a person you're dealing with, you might need some fairly drastic measures. I think it's better to over prepare than under prepare. They say the most dangerous part of an abusive relationship is when you end it.

I ended up moving 1000 miles away. I don't think I HAD to do that. I did it because there was an opportunity there that I wanted to take advantage of. But, I think the distance was good. It FORCED him to look elsewhere for what ever it was he wanted. It made sure I couldn't get sucked back into worrying about him and feeling like I needed to take care of him. If he had decided he WANTED to stalk me, it would have been harder. It would have been possible though, because he knew where I was and how to contact me. I was sure he wasn't motivated enough to work at it that hard. (Although he DID say he was going to stalk me and my friends all thought he was serious.)

Oh, just thought of this! I had never had a credit card. Before I filed for divorce, I got my own PO box in town and switched MY mail to that address and I got a credit card in MY name, using that address. It was easier to do it BEFORE I moved out. There was no reason I had to tell my ex about any of this, and I didn't. I had already figured out he was reading my mail and that there was some of it I never saw. In a TRULY dangerous situation, I think you need to have all your ducks in a row before you move out. When you do move out, time it to give yourself as much time as possible before your absence will be noticed.

If I was going to give advice, it would be, once you've made the decision, make a plan. Once you implement the plan, GO, and don't look back for a LONG time.

My best resources were friends. (I'm still repaying the favors! LOL) Maybe family could be a resource for some people, but that seems a little iffy to me. There are organizations out there. In many places these days. But they might not be easy to find. If you need them, they'd be worth finding. Because you MAY not have reliable friends of your own left, bu

 

[Queen Boudica]

The second problem as I was more worried about my ex than myself

Yes that is very true. I was so brainwashed I thought he would kill himself, because he had got me thinking that. Until I realised actually I was the one who would end up dead, he was fine.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sometimes people reach out for help and often receive responses like "you need to leave" or "if you don't leave the abuse will get worse and you may die". These kinds of comments are well meaning, but are they helpful?

Yes, they are, because many people don't know what abuse is. (You might want to wander over to the supporter side of this forum to see just how many people don't know what abuse is.

The victim already knows they need to escape their situation.

An assumption. You're mind reading. Might want to brush up on your CBT skills!

No, not all "victims" know that they need to escape their situation. Many think such things as "if I only change my behavior then s/he won't hit me" or "s/he is just stressed" or "s/he loves me" or "s/he is a good person" or "s/he and I have had such good memories" or "I don't want to throw away X many years with him/her". Do I need to go on? I think you get the point.

They probably live in constant fear of the abuse getting worse and don't need to be reminded.

Mind reading again. People are oftentimes in denial and sometimes need a swift kick to the arse. Who are you to speak for every abuse victim out there and say they don't need to be reminded.



Your post screams of you knowing what's best for every single abuse victim out there. Maybe you know what would be best for you, but you do not know what's best for everyone.

 

[Anarchy]

Who are you to speak for every abuse victim out there and say they don't need to be reminded.

That is a very good point.
Up into my 40s, I was clueless about interpersonal boundaries. I'm still learning.
I also dissociate during heated disputes, so an hour or so later, I can't remember much about what was said, or done.

no one likes to admit that they are ignorant, or that they are being abused.

I don't think that we can assume that people in abusive relationships (and both parties might be giving and taking abuse) realize that it is abuse and to get out.

 

[Friday]

Good questions.

I agree, some biased presumptions, but good questions.

Don't have the headspace to answer them at the moment...

However I think we all answer in the ways that we needed to hear when we were back there, ya know? That's gonna sound different for everyone. Simple & to the point. Detailed out. Broken down Barney-style. Gruff. Sweet. Diverse answers. Never know which one (if any) will stick, because we don't know the other person on the other side of the screen.

 

[Seagreen]

No, not all "victims" know that they need to escape their situation. Many think such things as "if I only change my behavior then s/he won't hit me"

If they are asking for help, they are aware they want to escape the abuse (weather they know it is abuse or not). That doesn't necessarily mean leaving the abuser, it could be changing behaviour so s/he wont hit them, encouraging the abuser to get help or leaving. I used the word 'situation' to avoid it sounding like I meant leaving the partner was the only option.

Mind reading again. People are oftentimes in denial and sometimes need a swift kick to the arse. Who are you to speak for every abuse victim out there and say they don't need to be reminded

I'm not speaking fro every abuse victim. I'm not saying that some abuse victims don't need to be reminded but I made this post I wanted to drive the conversation away from this kind of response. Not because telling them to leave is necessarily wrong but because sometimes people are ready to leave their abusive partner and that advice might not be helpful. I wanted to explore what other kinds of advice might be helpful to those people. When I was in an abusive relationship leaving was the hardest part and a few times I reached out for help but was just told I needed to leave now. The advice just left me feeling more alone and helpless since I couldn't find a way to escape him. I had already tried and in the end it took extreme measures to get him out. For me I needed to know, how can I leave this person.

Maybe it is just me but I did live in fear that things would get worse. I always took steps to avoid this eg. keeping knives out of sight. When he hit me I always wondered if he would kill me this time. I've spoken to people that say things like "he keeps a gun in his draw and i'm scared one day he is going to use it" or "he's never hit me but I'm worried that he will". So I guess I'm not the only one that think that way. I used the word "probably" to exercise a bit of caution rather than saying "all abuse victims are aware it could get worse".

I've got go out for a while but when I get back I'll edit the opening couple of paragraphs so that the questions focus better on the point of this post rather than the wording of what I said.

 

[jaccat]

I want to reply to this but am wary.
I've never suffered abuse from a partner, but I'm a child of domestic violence. These are my observations of that:

My father was surrounded by people who all told him he needed to stay with my abusive mother for the sake of the family. Friends, relatives, everyone said that his children needed both a mother and a father in order to have a stable background.

I was the one exception. Even when I was a child I was begging him to leave her, but I was a child.

My father was surrounded by people who would take my mother's side. Her friends, her contacts at AA. I know AA is a brilliant organisation, but my experiences of it are not positive. Anyway, my father had no one to stand up for him.

He couldn't stand up for himself. His very view of existence had been warped by what was happening. Reality, for all of us, was a distorted thing. There are members of my family who still struggle to tell the difference between right and wrong. We lived in a world within a world. Any backbone my father had had been beaten out if him. He became vulnerable to all sorts of people, which is why he listened to all these people telling him to stay. He couldn't make his own decisions. The power had been taken from him.

He had no support network. If he/we were to leave where would he/we go? There was no money. No one to trust either. We didn't do trust. Leaving was leaping into the unknown. Better to stay with what you know, even if it's dangerous.

My father was still convinced he loved my mother. He wanted to do right by her, he felt it was his duty.

Do I agree with any of this? No. I think it's utter crap. but I know what a state he was in at the time, and it's no wonder his decision making was suspect. I remember what it was like living with someone so all consuming. Your life is not your own. What right have you to make decisions about it?

 

[Recovery4Me]

If they are asking for help, they are aware they want to escape the abuse

I am with @Solara not everyone asking for help is fully informed or perhaps even aware of the cycles of abuse, the insidious erosion of self respect, wheels for each abuse, have a T nor do they actually intend to leave. Victims at times just want him or her to change as s/he was so loving just a few months ago (honeymoon stage) and they thought s/he was getting better. The victim often does not know that the abuse has to be escalated next cycle for the abuser to get the chemical 'hit' of power, rage or control just like any other drug...which over time...more is required for the same initial mind or body rush.

And then there are the other factors such as Family of Origin (FOO), possible codependency, children, other mental health concerns and hoovering to consider. It is common knowledge to many police and local shelters that the victims often have been conditioned, groomed or trained on some level to believe that they deserved less, so they will often defend/protect the abuser during domestic crisis intervention by minimization of the incident or even trying to take the blame for the injury.

In that manner of thinking or recount the victim starts to believe that they can change the dynamics (have control) by being quieter, keeping the children quieter, not wanting as much, not needing as much, not upsetting him/her by (fill in the blank)______. But as many may attest...that was not the solution just the conditioning that gave silent partnership & unknown permission to further abuse down the road.

Take what you need and leave the rest.~~

 

[scout86]

It seems like you're going to have people in both places and everywhere in between, so both parts of the conversation are worthwhile. I've heard people talk about knowing they need to leave and not knowing how, or believing that they can't, too. And "can't" really isn't much of an option. You have to see the need to get out, but you also have to see the possibility. And then you have to see a path that looks like you can do it. What specific concerns you have and what assets you have are going to vary wildly, but it's worth talking about.