I Just Found Out My Fiance Didn't Get Me A V Day Card Even Though He Had Plenty Of Time

[Queen Boudica]

She replied to me several times, not sure why, but I know she is not understanding from the replies back. And I thought at first she was much younger because of the attitude, but really 25 she is going to learn the hard way that no-one puts up with that, constant demand for attention and attitude and childish behaviour. My sister learned that the hard way.

But then again, I don't think I am very good at replying (in fact I've been awful) and she is too much like my sister, so this is really triggering but it sort of now explains my sister better, I really never understood what she had and why she did the same things and continued to damage herself and not take responsibility for anything and want to stay in abusive relationships so she could be "looked after" and not do a thing for the rest of her life. But neither did the mental health profession that was supposed to help her. In fact they made her worse and abused her more. And she also was really abusive. She used to tell me, she "always got her way" and she would go to any lengths to do it, including standing on balconies naked with a knife and threatening she would jump because she needed attention, she later said she had no intention of killing herself, she just wanted people to know how ill she was. She used to scream at me down the phone, to come and get her. I'd be sitting there having a major panic attack unable to breathe not knowing what to do. And then when I didn't do what she wanted I was a monster, evil and then she blamed my mother for making her say those things and would turn all conciliatory.

I don't know was that BPD? they finally diagnosed her with BPD, psychotic episodes, immature personality disorder with hysterical overtones, put her on antipsychotic drugs, 2 x benzodiazepines, SSRI, more sleep stuff, and they knew she was abusing the benzodiazepines to zone out in the day. What a mess. Still can't believe it. Yet I read here BPD should have been treatable and I just despair why couldn't she heal? she had a whole team of mental health professionals.

This is best left to the professionals, only that didn't work with my sister, probably because she just refused to listen, it was too embedded in her. She was 31 when she died.

Sorry I'm still trying to work it out and I never can.

 

[Nam]

This thread was very informative. I learned a great deal, especially about BPD and cPTSD. I had to do some researching on my own.

As to the original poster, I hope you and your fiancée can still make Valentines Day pleasant. I just told hubs today to not get me a thing. So he asked me out instead. :)

 

[ms spock]

Epigenetics talks about how the environment (nuture) switches on the genetics of different mental illnesses (the nature). I don't think it is possible to have one without the other. That is from my reading of it anyway.

 

[Kristina25]

Have you actually read any of the replies here?

Yes, and I feel bad now. Cuz I realize it was a stupid thing to get mad over. It just really hurt me that he didn't think of it himself. He does this to me every year for like the past 6 years. And we have almost been together for 7 in March. It just hurts that I have to tell him every year.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

7 years and he tolerated your bed bouncing?!?

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know was that BPD?...Yet I read here BPD should have been treatable and I just despair why couldn't she heal? she had a whole team of mental health professionals.

@Lizio, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. Yes, all that behavior you describe is uncontrolled BPD (and it does sound like she could have been having some psychosis). I think the real struggle with BPD is that the sufferer has got to engage with their treatment. I mean, we all do, but people with BPD are generally high-functioning, and because of the way they embrace illness as opportunity (for attention), they have a tendency to just run headlong into being sick, without any inner response that says "wait, hold up, something is wrong. I'm out of control". And unlike bipolar, where medication can be the key to management, BPD doesn't respond to medication alone - it has to be in conjunction with some kind of behavioral therapy, ideally DBT. People with personality disorders have to re-train how they respond to pretty much everything. It's hard work, and the person with the illness has to be leading their own recovery.

It seems as though your sister was just unable to get to that point, and that the professionals maybe didn't do her any favors by medicating her symptoms but not pushing hard for the necessary behavioral work. Anyway, not trying to cast blame, just sharing; your sister's story is very sad, and I'm sorry that's the way her illness overcame her.

 

[Justmehere]

He does this to me every year for like the past 6 years. And we have almost been together for 7 in March. It just hurts that I have to tell him every year.

Unless you do something different, you will likely have to ask him again next year, and the year after that, and the year after that... for as long as you are together.

You can either accept that reality about the relationship with him, or you can learn a new path to go.

If you want a different outcome, you could ask the supportive community here for suggestions on what you can do differently to increase the likelihood that next year will go differently. An even better option is to bring this all up with a therapist.

 

[moonbeam]

What? Its a commercial holiday. Why are you getting worked up because he didn't buy you a tacky card? Its just a commercial day for advertisers to make you feel bad about your relationship to force you to buy shit you don't need and spend 3 times as much for the same meal at a restaurant.

Love isn't a single day of the year, it can't be bought or sold. Its affection, attention, companionship, its laughter and tears. Its a roller coaster, fun and scary all at once.

If you need Hallmark and some overpriced fruit cut into shapes in order to validate your relationship than you really need to rethink your priorities.

 

[sun seeker]

Yet I read here BPD should have been treatable and I just despair why couldn't she heal?

I think there are different degrees. Also the person has to see a problem and want to heal (which may be another way of saying the same thing). The extreme cases like you describe and what the OP is describing are what cause people to stigmatize people with BPD, but it's not all like that.

I'm sorry for your pain @Lizio, this must be so triggering for you.

I've stopped replying to the OP because she isn't reading it anyway, but have been thinking about what I would say to someone else in her situation who did want to improve. First, the DBT others have mentioned. Lots of it. There are online workbooks, but get a therapist too. That will help with the emotional regulation and trauma release.

Second, practice gratitude. You can do that even when unable to get out of bed. Give thanks for every blessing in your life. Start by looking around you. You have this new apartment, a roof over your head. You have all these wonderful pets. You have a fiance who loves you. You have the computer you are typing on. You have a body that still works, even if it has some problems. And so on. Really feel the gratitude for each thing. Where is it in your body? See if you can expand it. Love your pets, and extend it towards all animals. Get creative. Find more things to be grateful for.

Third, obtain and read one of the best books I ever read on relationships, Conscious Loving, the Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. If you read and take in the information and techniques here, your relationship may stand a chance.

Fourth, since you obviously have a computer with Internet access, use it to take in some of the wonderful meditations and guided relaxations on youtube. There is also guidance on EFT, which you could again do from bed. And give thanks for the people who took the time to make these videos and upload them for us.

Fifth, as I said before, research nutrition for healing fibromyalgia. My particular favourite is the Weston Price Foundation, but whatever feels right to you is the place to start. No energy to cook? That long-suffering fiance might just be glad to help, seeing as how it is for something that might help you turn the corner and get better. No money? If you are going to have a wedding in Disneyland, that's going to set you back thousands. Spend some of it on your health. And if you have the energy for a trip like that, I think you can find enough to get out of bed and chop some vegetables once in a while.

I could probably think of more things. The point is, there is so much you can do even if you really have as little energy as you claim.

Hopefully someone gets something out of that!

Edited to add: Oops - as I was writing that, she actually did come back and reply. Well, maybe there is some hope then.

 

[sun seeker]

That's weird, now I see she answered hours ago. For some reason the last several messages didn't load onto my screen until recently. Oh well.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@sun seeker Ooh, thanks for the book rec: Conscious Loving, the Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks .. Maybe THIS would be a good V-day gift?

PS - as a "fly on the wall" reading all the posts here, and I couldn't help but wonder if the terms "Steak night" and "Blowjob night" are in fact redundant? ;) edibles indeed!

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes, and I feel bad now. Cuz I realize it was a stupid thing to get mad over. It just really hurt me that he didn't think of it himself. He does this to me every year for like the past 6 years. And we have almost been together for 7 in March. It just hurts that I have to tell him every year.

Ok now we are getting somewhere. Excellent observations here. What does this tell you? Yes 100% correct it is really pointless to get angry over this. You feel bad, well you can feel a bit better by apologising to your fiancée and you realise that you went over the top. We all make mistakes and over-react, then we take stock and we apologise and recognise that we need to work to change that sort of reaction. That is good to feel bad if we behave inappropriately, but then we recognise and apologise and we look to how we could do better.

Next thing. Yes you feel hurt, you feel like he should be thinking of you and you shouldn't have to tell him every year. All about you and emotions you control. You recognise the hurt, but next time you don't then turn that hurt into anger and you try to put things into perspective, to you valentines seems to be a huge necessary requirement to prove your love for someone. It is about things getting gifts. That is not love. Now that maybe a lot to do with how you have grown up and substituting the need for things rather than realising love isn't about that. Love is about give and take and allowing for imperfections and that your priorities may not be his and he is working hard, I think you said he is starting a new job, so you can get married eventually. Seems this guy has shown a hell of a lot of commitment to you over the past 7 years. Especially when you have been going from him and the older guy. How do you think your fiancée feels about that? Did you consider this, but yet when he forgets valentines cards, every single year, including the years that you were seeing another guy that hurts you? Do you see the inconsistencies there?

You question what is wrong with your fiancée? I think a lot of us are wondering this. Not because he forgets valentines cards (pretty normal guy stuff) but because he seems to be putting up with a lot of bad behaviour from you. And you seem to be unable to appreciate that he actually has already spent a lot of money on an edible gift, which must have taken a lot out of. His meagre earnings which are supposed to be going towards your expensive wedding plans. This is not a healthy relationship. And you are telling us he is your fiancée and you are planning to get married.

Now, we are saying your BPD untreated causes a lot of emotional regulation problems. Not your fault but yes it becomes your fault if you don't start to work on this and continue to behaved this way as you are 25 now not a child. And the pattern of behaviour and your plans for life you are describing are very naïve and open to you ending up in a really bad place.

We are also telling you that if you put a bit of work into this then you can end up so much better. It is work though, it can be painful. But so much better than the alternatives.