When You Don't Know Why?

[brandonsmom777]

I posted not long ago about frustration with my therapist about constantly talking about my anxiety which physiologically I don't really experience. Thank you again to all who helped me through that :) she explained to me that I don't have classic PTSD but rather a dissociative disorder. I'm fine with that dx and it makes perfect sense with my symptoms but the only thing that's driving me crazy is I have no idea why I have it. My problems started when I was a child, my earliest memory of my mental health was maybe about 6-7 yrs old and I was terrified I could get pregnant from toilet seats or hugging my male family members. I was also quite a hypochondriac. Every scratch I got I was convinced I would get the flesh-eating virus. Depression, bulemia, anxiety and severe OCD plagued me throughout adolescence until now into my adulthood I have a dissociative disorder. My guess is its always been there and my therapist and I both think my OCD served to protect me from overwhelming emotions until it no longer worked and I now have a full-blown dissociative disorder. I don't really remember much of my life. Right now she's wanting me to be stable before I start on my healing journey. I just feel confused most of the time because I don't know what could have made me this way. My mind tries to fill the holes with what ifs but that's only crazy making and not to mention dangerous. I'm just scared that I'll never understand myself and how I came to be this way. I just want to heal so I can be a good mom. Thanks for reading.

 

[rainy_daze]

I wish you all the best with healing @brandonsmom777

I think this is good your therapist is thinking about helping you get stable first, before you continue further into the messier/emotional parts of therapy.

It makes sense you don't remember much of your life. Maybe with time and stability, you will remember more. Perhaps not [amnesia happens]. Either way, it will perhaps be good to focus on how you can build up your inner strength, feelings of safety, or whatever you can in order to figure out what you need to move on to the next step.

I'm just scared that I'll never understand myself and how I came to be this way

Your therapist will help you with that, I think. You will also do a lot of the work yourself, even unconsciously.

I suffer from dissociation, and I understand myself now and what happened to make me this way. This took a couple of years of therapy, roughly one session every 6 weeks or so, and using these forums throughout that time, with breaks away from here too. I also began learning grounding techniques and used any advice/practical tips I could find on here that suited me.

You can do this too ^ give yourself time. Becoming self aware and understanding yourself [or your past] is difficult. Very difficult. But it can be done.