Sexual Assault This Is Really Hard For Me

[Mariah]

But I need some help and I haven't been able to talk to my therapist about it.

I was diagnosed with PTSD not too long ago though I have been suffering for a year and a half. The PTSD is brought on by a car accident. I was the front passenger, we were gliding towards a two foot wide tree at 100 mph (160 kmph). I really thought that was going to be the last thing I'd see. I'm so grateful to be alive but I have suffered greatly.

After the accident I only grew closer with the other two passengers. For several months things were fine with our friendship, in fact we had a bond from the accident. I had only met the driver the night of the crash and I obviously never spoke to him again.

About a year after the crash I trusted my friend (one of the other passengers) enough to move into my house. I needed the rent help and he needed to get away from his parents. I was skeptical, the only other man I had ever lived with abused me. But we were very close, we had that "bond" and I really trusted him. I knew he liked me more, but I had always had strict boundaries regarding both of these friends. I was never interested in either of them and I made it very clear.

When he moved in I had great faith things would work out okay. The first month was fine. He worked nights so I barely even saw him. Then on his night off we decided to drink. We were just watching a movie and I passed out in his room. I don't know which is a bigger mistake, getting into that car or getting into that bed. I woke up to him having sex with me.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if he thought I was awake. I sleep talk sometimes and move around a lot. So maybe he thought I was awake? I was laying completely still and he was doing his thing. I stirred, to test him. He stopped. I stopped moving, he started up again. My soul broke again. I just laid there.

The next couple of days I just hid in my room, literally did not see him once. His door was loud so I could hear when he was coming out and going back in and I avoided the hell out of him.

Then he caught me downstairs and started talking to me about how he was involved in a shooting. That someone in a car shot at him and his friends. He mentioned retaliation and I got pissed. He said he wouldn't get involved but I knew he was full of it.

The next night when he left for work I went in his room to see if he had anything that would suggest him getting involved in that stuff. I did not want my safety to be at risk. My neighbors have babies. I needed a clear reason to get him out. He made it easy. There was a bag of bullets sitting on his dresser. The only thing left in that room four days later was a bag of trash.

Since then I have actually confronted him. I confronted him through text saying he raped me. I haven't contacted him since that happened. I never will again.

The thing is, this one incident has brought up emotions and made me realize things I never did before. I've been sexually assaulted multiple times. When I was 15, 16 I would go out partying. I was a slut, to be totally honest. I would get drunk screw men in their mid 20s. Up until what happened six months ago, I just saw myself as a whore for sleeping with those men. But then I realized, they were nasty scumbags taking advantage of a young girl. That last assault made me realize how important sober positive consent is. And how I never gave that.

The amount of times I've been in a state to give proper consent, well, I can count that on my fingers. I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel wrong. I only did it to myself. I'm the reason I feel this way. I should have made better decisions. I put myself in every single one of these situations. Those guys, the car accident, my "friend". I have no trust anymore.

I have no trust in myself or my decisions. I have no trust in men and it is impossible for me to be intimate with anyone. I don't even have any friends anymore. I know I need to speak to my therapist about what happened but I can't bring myself to just say the words. Everything feels so wrong in my life. The few things I've accomplished are so miniscule compared to the things I have screwed up.

I want to believe there is something good there, I want to believe there was a reason I lived through that accident, I want to believe that I am a good and strong person. The person I was before the accident. Sure, I had some regrets, but I was happy. I had come to terms with my sexual past and my mistakes. Becoming friends with this one guy seemed to ruin me. I feel so damn broken and I am terrified of people. I want to feel good again. Thanks for reading my short novel. I would appreciate any advice.

 

[Friday]

I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel wrong. I only did it to myself. I'm the reason I feel this way. I should have made better decisions. I put myself in every single one of these situations.

I used to feel this way about certain things... Until I went trawling for rapists. It was during an especially effed up time in my life. Game was, I'd stumble down bad neighborhoods at night, like I was drunk or high. Sky high heels. Teeny tiny dress. Hunched shoulders. Wobbly chin. Big eyes. The occasional stumble to my knees, with an attention grabbing yelp. I did everything I could to paint "victim" on me in neon. I wasn't. Was sober. I can run in heels. I was armed. And I had backup.

Know what I found? Yep. Lotta creeps out there.
Know what else I found? Whole lotta nice guys.

...Who will throw their jacket over you and call you a cab. Wait for it with you, looking menacing. Put you in it, tell the driver to take you home, hand them a $20, and shut the door before hearing your address. Don't get in their car and follow. Just damn good men.

Far more than I expected. At some pouts it got downright frustrating.

There has to be a rapist present for a rape to happen.

Taught me something:

Rape is no different from Bank Robbery.

Are there contributing factors as to a bank being an attractive target? Just like me wearing almost nothing but a smile on a dark street, in a bad neighborhood at night? Or getting drunk at a frat party? Or, any of the things we look back on? Sure. A bank can be in a poor neighborhood, with outdated security, near the freeway. Does that mean that the bank was asking for it? That the robbers can keep the money they stole, because, really... Did you see their security system??? Clearly, the bank is to blame! Ummm....No. It is illegal to rob a bank. Most people would never do so. And on order for a bank to be robbed, a bank robber has to be present.

In order for a rape to happen, a rapist has to be present. Not their victims. Victims are a dime a dozen. Anyone, anywhere, anytime. It's not the victim who has the control. Who makes a rape happen, but their rapist. From deceitful frienemy, to family, to stranger... The rapist is who makes the rape happen. Not you. Not me. Hell, not even when I tried, and there simply wasn't one around.

 

[Mariah]

Thank you for sharing that with me. I know I shouldn't blame myself. Even though I never imagined these outcomes, I knew my actions weren't the smartest moves. Not listening to that doubt is what makes me feel so foolish. Now I just doubt everything and it has consumed me. I doubt leaving my house, getting in the car. I doubt talking to people, people I've known for years, strangers, family, men of course. I'm just terrified of possibly putting myself in another bad situation. Things can be avoided. What happened to me could have been avoided. The driver messed up, those guys and the other passenger messed up, but so did I. I messed up so bad. I thought I had learned but I was wrong.

 

[darrenS]

dont let the sick minds of others dictate your moves, firstly get support and most importantly keep away for men for a while. I say this because , some men have a predatory nature and can clearly see your weaknesses. Im not saying you invited the assault...not at all, and you didnt mess up, you put forward some friendship and trust and it was the perpetrator who abused it ..not you ...

We all do wrong things when we are young , and particularly if we have been abused, we tend to give the wrong people the best of ourselves believing they will appreciate it and all we get in return is more abuse. Get support and even consider taking action, just for once - fight back , you may not win , but the act of fighting back in itself may be cathartic - you need to believe in you

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I think it takes a lot of courage to share as you did @Mariah and you have nothing to be ashamed of nor did you deserve any of it. I was intoxicated when I was raped at 19 and felt such guilt but through therapy and good friends, I learned to stop beating myself up. You can learn to trust yourself again and some day others, ones that are worthy of your time and attention. It takes time, therapy and support. I think this is a great place to find such support. Hang in there.:happy: