Im So Hurt

[emz315]

So.

Im a little heartbroken even though he has not said its over or i have. He went away to help his brother...me being kind just trying to see if he got there okay and asking him to let me know what was happening and ...as his brother is number one priority...i get that....and out of the kindness of my heart also just to find tried calling him once and sent one text and then i get this text so harsh so cruel
:(

"I wont call tonight. Just landed in townsville. As i said to you. R is number one priority.and dont drag anyone else into the us thing.tryong to put pressure on me via other people gets me rather pissed off. Havent you heard of privacy and confidentiality.all im hearing is "i understand" but i want. And as i said the quickest way of getting on my bad side is..i want. You know where im coming from. Believe it or not ive been showing you my courtious side. If you try to ring me anytime soon you wont get nice ben and i gurantee it.

Im so hurt ive only been talking ny my close friends for support.

Do you think its over and should i forgive a message like that? Im wanting an apology before i even consider anything further.

 

[Changing4Best]

If he does that often, it looks like you should stay away from him, in my opinion. On the other hand, if this is an unusual happening, and he's not often like this, then give him a second chance. See how you feel in a few days either way. Let the hurt wear off first.

 

[shimmerz]

This sounds like a message that comes from frustration. I don't know the context of the message (past conversations and boundaries on his part, what message you sent him etc). Beyond the hurt are his words and his words are 'give me space'. Is that an unforgivable offense? To ask for space? How he said it sounds harsh but as I stated earlier, I don't know if the harshness is because you have been encroaching on his boundaries.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, what was your part in all of this?

He points out that all he hears is "I want" and your post is all about your wants, too. What is it that happened before this that caused such a reaction?

To me it sounds like he is trying to set up boundaries, but you are having none of it.

Maybe you have needs above and beyond what he can give. I honestly don't see anything wrong with that text. To me it sounds like you don't know how to take "NO" for an answer. It sounds like you have an inability to respect his boundaries.

I get the feeling that there is more going on than you are letting on. You had to state TWICE that you texted him just to be "kind".....is this to convince us or to convince you? Were you really just being kind or did you want to keep tabs on him even though he has given you clear boundary warnings in the past and you know that you need to leave him alone right now?

And who are these other people you are using to pressure him?

I think you really do need to examine if you are fit to be a supporter. I hear a LOT of *I* statements in your post, things that you must have before moving forward, yet no admission to anything you've done wrong in any of this (yet that text alludes to the fact that you did indeed do something wrong, ie cross a boundary you weren't supposed to.)

 

[rightkindofme]

Uhm, I would dump him for being a jerk. I wouldn't take that as setting boundaries I would read that as "I'm not that into you and I only want to pay attention to you when it suits me and I want you to be invisible the rest of the time." Wouldn't fly for me.

But I've always been very happy to dump people who don't treat me how I want to be treated. That's how I ended up in a wonderful marriage.

Seriously, the quickest way to get on his bad side is to want something? Run for the hills.

 

[emz315]

Its a two way street. I have never wanted anything of him. He set no boundaries with me...he just said he wanted to be alone..even with that for our relationship we had made agreements about communication with eachother even during alone time and when he was needing space to verbalise.... ive mentioned these in previous posts... @Solara

 

[rightkindofme]

If you aren't allowed to want anything it isn't a relationship.

 

[emz315]

We agreed that even though he needed alone time he would still communicate with me as much a he felt up too,

He always keeps his promises and said he would contact me today before he left to take a plane for a month away and never did.

I sent a text saying "whats the news. Im worried about the cyclone up there"

I then tried to call him about 4 hours later.... nothing

And then sent another text saying..

That i respect that he wants to be alone and with his brother but im just wanting to know whats happening if you have left? And if you could please give me a call.

Only people i have spoke too is his room mate which they live together so he sees what happens and its me seeing if his doing okay when im not around Because we are all friend's.

And then he wrote that too me.

 

[Justmehere]

I have never wanted anything of him. He set no boundaries with me...

Boundaries are what we say yes to and what we say no to. They are our limits and desires. What we will and will not do.

You have wanted things of him. And that is ok. You wanted to communicate with him on text. That is ok to want that. It sounds like your boundary is that you want contact and communication in order to stay in the relationship while he is away. It sounds like you don't want to get texts like that.

He wants space and to not talk on the phone right now. That is his boundary.

Relationships are all about navigating those boundaries and conflicting wants. Dating is about figuring out if your needs and his needs mesh together well and if you can work those things out together.

He is crap at estimating his limits and communicating his boundaries if his boundary was that he would communicate as much as he wanted to, and he would call you, and then suddenly that is too much contact. He is saying no right now, and he is setting a boundary with that text - the choice is now yours as to how you will respond. If his boundary pushes you too far away to stay in the relationship and is too rude to you, you have the opportunity to communicate to him, whenever you next communicate, that you won't stay in the relationship if he does that, if that is what you choose.

He is setting a new boundary now. In my opinion, he is being a hit harsh in how he is communicating it. His stress cup is probably full with dealing with his family member and the stress of traveling, and maybe there are other factors. It's not an excuse. It is simply a factor. He is allowed to have wants and needs, and so are you. I think he's probably venting and dumping on you a bit, and I wouldn't be ok with a guy treating me like that and I would tell the guy no, I will not accept being treated this way. I might also work to forgive him if it was a one-time or rare event that only happened in moments of super high stress, especially flying in bad weather. I wouldn't say the behavior is ok, but I also wouldn't hold it against him and end the relationship over just one bad text. But if there was a consistent pattern where my needs and wants in the relationship were not considered, then I would say no to the whole relationship.

 

[emz315]

He has not set any boundaries with me we just discussed space and that it was an open discussion and needed to be verbalised if needed. And both agreed on that.

 

[emz315]

@Justmehere it feels like alot of it at the moment is on his terms and i feel like im the sucker i did tell him that it was unacceptable to talk to me like that and that i would not call him...yes this is a rare thing his never said anything like this to me before but its better for me to leave it but i do want some sort of an apology yes i understand his going through a hard time but there is no reason to speak to me like that when we had both sat down and agreed to the terms. Which are in some of my previous threads.

 

[Justmehere]

We agreed that even though he needed alone time he would still communicate with me as much a he felt up too,

He has not set any boundaries with me we just discussed space and that it was an open discussion and needed to be verbalised if needed. And both agreed on that.

Setting boundaries is the same thing as making an agreement about how and when to communicate. Boundaries are not just when someone says No. Saying yes this is ok is part of the boundary setting/communicating process.

So I'm confused. You keep saying he hasn't set boundaries and then you say things that are actually the communication of boundaries. Some of it sounds up in the air, but any agreements or even saying "we agree that if someone needs space, they will communicate it verbally" - that is a boundary.

It sounds like you both were not very specific with you on what the boundaries and expectations would be during this time that he was away, except for his agreement to call and to tell you when he had arrived and to verbalize if he needed space.

He didn't call you and that sucks. He did then verbalize, rudely, that he wants more space. He is setting boundaries left and right now, and you keep saying he is not.

You are allowed to want what you want, and it doesn't seem unreasonable. He may or may not be able or willing to do it. Just like you may or may not be able or willing to do what he wants you to do.