General Freaking Out a Bit..

[sisu]

Okay, here is the deal. My ex-BF and I have remained friends through all of the turmoil in the last 4 months. As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago he said that we should start casually dating again...taking things slowly. He was wonderful again for a time. His ptsd seemed to be getting under control. Then he dropped off the face of the earth about 9 days ago. He called me mid-day on May 11 to say that he couldn't get together that night as planned. He said he would call me later on.

That was it...the last time I heard from him. I have left voicemails and emails. No response. He had to go to drill this past weekend and has not had an Army uniform on since 2004 when he returned from Afghanistan...where he originally got his ptsd. I don't know if that has sent him off the deep end and he is not talking to anyone. Or if he is okay...or what. I wish he would just respond and say....I cannot talk to you now but I am okay....something....I am very worried.

Sisu :think:

 

[Nicolette]

start casually dating again...taking things slowly.

I am sorry for your pain and worry Sisu but isn't the key the quote above. I think perhaps your view of the word casual and your boyfriend's may differ.

By calling and emailing you are perhaps not being casual? :think:

I personally have never liked casual relationships as the boundaries confuse me. I'm an all or nothing type of person. What are you willing to accept Sisu? I do totally appreciate your worry and it is for that very reason why I don't do casual. From what I understand of casual it means getting together when it suits both and that's about it. Wanting to know if he is ok is reasonable too in my eyes but it could be seen, from his point of view, that you are getting too involved wanting to know what's happening. My first and only experience of casual was when I got snapped at for making contact as the male concerned viewed casual as he would contact me when it suited him otherwise he didn't want to know me. Not my cup of tea!

 

[Cowgirl]

The Problem with Casual Relationships

Oh, Nicolette, you are so right! Casual relationships are the pits. You are not supposed to care. If he drops off the face of the earth, you are supposed to yawn. If he dates someone else, you are not supposed to care. A friend of mine calls such requests by men their requests for F*&# Buddies. And honestly, she's right about what it really means. The woman in these relationships is supposed to be available when it suits the guy, and otherwise, she's supposed to go away.

There really isn't a relationship at all, with the casual relationship. At least, not that many of us would recognize as such. Genuine caring, feeling, concern is forbidden. Definitely, worry is forbidden.

It is a difficult situation, Sisu. You still care about him. Probably you were hoping that the renewed relationship would mean that you would get back to a real relationship.

It is not unlikely that the recent drill has triggered him. But I think the question remains whether he is capable at this point in his life of having a real relationship with anyone. And that means you have some real thinking to do about what you want and what you need from a relationship.

Hugs,

Cowgirl

 

[sisu]

You both are so right. And I know that our relationship will never work....at least not now...if ever. He is simply not capable of an adult relationship at this time. His ptsd is out of control and the VA is only drugging him more w/o therapy.

At this point I was just worried about whether he was still amongst the living. I am just going to hope that he is and try to not think about it. (easier said than done) Even if he does do something drastic, he is an adult and it is out of my hands.

I seriously don't think he is dating other women...who would want him?? He is a mess and doesn't recognize it. I so wanted him to just get better...or at least WANT to get better. No one can make another person want to get better if they don't. Right now he is just surviving ~ not living like he deserves and his kids deserve. Its a sad situation.

Sisu

 

[neverforget]

He is simply not capable of an adult relationship at this time.
I seriously don't think he is dating other women...who would want him?? He is a mess and doesn't recognize it.

I think all intimate relationships are irreparably doomed to failure for someone who are in denial and don't get help.

Even if he dated someone else, it's just gonna be a repetition of the same wicked pattern and it's not gonna work. It just can't!

See my ex was conscious he has problem and it's the reason why he can't be in a relationship. And he was happy to have me, he didn't want me to leave him...

Though he did NOTHING to change things.
Therapy didn't seem to be an option for him.

Now I tell myself, if he prefers to deny what's good for him, to live his life this way, using alcool to hide the pain and refusing to face his issues then he's just gonna do it.

I understand your feelings, it's true, it's so sad...

But you sisu can have a happy and healthy relationship. It's what matters.