I Dont Think My Wife Likes Me

[Bookoffee]

I really don't think my wife likes me. There are times I feel as though she is from a higher class then me. I had to stay home from work yesterday and when I woke up this morning I felt sick to my stomach and I was dizzy trying to walk to living room. She asked how I was doing and I told her. She flew out of her chair and started to yell at me that she wished she at a job where she could work 40 hours. I can't remember what else she complained about.

I just sat there frozen and telling her to give me a minute to feel better and I will go to work. I didn't want to stir the pot anymore by reminding her that she does have 40 hour job, she just refuses to do it because of her depression.

I tried to joke with her but they aren't taken the way I had hope. I feel as though I am trash, disgusting, worthless human being.

When I got to work she started to text me that lead to a fight between us because I didn't want to spend $30 on tea. I suggested that she get one this week and the other ones at the end of each week when we get paid. She blew up at me. Telling me how whenever she wants something we never do and she needed the tea to get better. I explained that she wont drink all four or five boxes of teas in one week. She can wait 7 days for another brand. At the end of each week we are scrapping our bottles together to return for money for gas, food, etc...I want to spread the dollar.

It was a huge fight between the texts and she was mad at me for getting her upset before she goes to work. I had to remind her that I AM at work. I got tired of arguing and feeling like events and statements were being twisted around. I felt like I was dealing with one of my abusive family member.

I finally said to her:

" really need to calm down. I already feel like you have been upset and yelling at since I climbed out of bed for just saying I didn’t feel good. I am so sick and tired of walking on egg shells and always being scared of upsetting you. I don’t feel any value at all.
I am really upset right now. Please stop talking to me so I don’t have a panic attack and can’t stay at work."

Now I really don't want to go home. I can't continue to live like I am walking on shells. The love and passion is gone unless she is shopping and spending every penny we have. That was the only way I got get some excitement out of her on the way to work. She drove me and we made plans to do our weekly shopping.

I have told her many times that I cant handle her yelling at me all the time. She tells me she not that she is just loud and excited. The only time she is loud and excited is when I do something that she doesn't like, which is a daily thing. I asked her if she could let me know if she is upset with me or not so I have a better way of handling her being loud and excited. She told me that she wouldn't that I need to read her cues better.

I haven't had a stable therapist since I have been out of the hospital. Tonight is my first meeting with a new one.

I just want to pack up my clothes and live in my car.

Side Note: I am at work, upset and didn't proof read this message

 

[WillyKat]

I really feel so much of what you're saying. In particular, this:

I already feel like you have been upset and yelling at since I climbed out of bed for just saying I didn’t feel good. I am so sick and tired of walking on egg shells and always being scared of upsetting you. I don’t feel any value at all.

I'm nearly certain that I've said almost the exact same words to my wife. Sometimes, I come home from work and before I have my other foot in the door, she says...well, doesn't matter what she says. I also understand the point about not wanting to go home.

In a recent fight, I told her that I feel like a tenant in my own g d home, that it's not a place of refuge like it's supposed to be, that I'm an unwelcome guest.

I've threatened to leave several times. But I'm scared to death of what all the fallout will do to me and if I can handle it.

 

[Bookoffee]

I haven't threaten about leaving but I feel like it is time to just live in my car. The only thing that is keeping me in that house are my animals. I will be living in 2007 Saturn ION with special needs dog and three cats.

I really wished my mother had an adoration when she found out she was pregnant with me.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I am a wife and know I can be irrational at times myself. With that being said, we make a practice to not text each other during work, unless it is something very important. Neither he or I need that added stress while trying to focus and keep our jobs. When my husband is in a mood, so to speak, I have learned not to engage (in essence, pick my battles). Nothing I say to him at that time is going to be truly heard and processed. When he can't get a response out of me, he calms down. I then readdress later, not in a confrontational manner, but rather ask him to share my feelings, but finding some way to also to validate his, even if I don't agree. I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but your are certainly not alone and shouldn't have to feel like a guest in your own home.

 

[Bookoffee]

She goes wild when I don't talk. If I don't say anything, she will yell at me to say something to make her calm down or feel better. I cant think quick on my feet. Especially when I am being yelled at. I feel if I don't hurry up and say the right thing, she will get violent with me, leave me, etc... I tell her I am trying to think and I need to gather myself but she just continues to yell at me and make things worse.

I am always shaking, panicking, wondering what I need to say, the list goes on.

I have long brown hair, which she hates and wants me to cut short, every morning clumps and clumps of my hair comes out. If she keeps up with stressing me out, the short hair will come soon enough.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Is there anyway you could stay with a friend, take a break? Your environment sounds very toxic and you certainly don't deserve to be treated this way. You are not a mistake and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[Bookoffee]

I wish I did. I have isolated myself so much that I don't have any friends. Every time I talk about getting together with someone in my family, she will remind me how awful they are for allowing me to grow up in an abusive family.

(Long story short, my parents had an affair and I was the result of their affair. Just meet the father side a few years ago.)

 

[Bookoffee]

I get out of work in an hour and I am so nervous that I am sick to my stomach. I cant stop shaking and sweating.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

Isolation is definitely not good and I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time, especially when you have someone you care about make you feel badly about youself. I can understand wanting to avoid your abusers but not seeing any of your family should be your decision. Is there any way to call the new therapist and see if you can move up your appointment?

 

[WillyKat]

Just a thought. It would be difficult to do, and I know that for a fact. But, something I said to my wife did penetrate. As calmly as I could said to her that I didn't feel welcome in my own home, that I felt like I was always walking on glass, that I felt unloved, disliked, even hated. Then I asked her what was going on with her that brought out so much ugly behavior.

Saying that in a calm voice may just provide enough shock for her to step outside of herself and see her own behavior. Some people are incapable of seeing and hearing their own actions, and then when they are reflected back become very reflective.

Of course, be advised that it might not work. And if it doesn't, that's very useful information.

I wrote my wife a letter that I plan to use if and when I move to a hotel for a while. It's meant to send an unmistakable message to clean up her act or its over.

Good luck and remember to breathe.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

She sounds quite abusive. If she doesn't change, it may simply boil down to your desire to heal. I can pretty much tell you that in that sort of environment you aren't going to heal as you're constantly putting out fires and won't ever get to dealing with the deeper stuff, which will only be possible once you are in a SAFE place. Your home is not safe right now.

As for the money.....money issues tear a lot of couples apart.

You've got a lot on your plate. I wish you the best.

 

[Bookoffee]

I see her in two hours. I hope she is the therapist that I need today.

I go back and forth about my family. They have always known me and what was happening in my life because they always keep in contact with some of my family members on my mother's side. But they would not see me or talk to me.

When I first meet them a few ago, it was welcoming and it was like they had known me my whole life and they treated me like I knew everything about them. I felt uncomfortable the only thing my father wanted was for to set him up with my mother. The only time I would get together with the sisters or brothers, I had to arrange. I was not invited to much. Maybe one graduation party that I went to. Then when one of my sister's daughter got married for the fifth time, I couldn't pull my panic together enough to go.

She wrote me an angry text and we haven't talked since.