I Dont Think My Wife Likes Me

[Bookoffee]

I texted her to let her know that I am nervous, sick, shaking, sweating because I need to see her in an hour. This is her response:

"Well you have no reason to be afraid of me.

You let panic rule your life it hurts you it hurts me. You need to rein that in. No one can do that for you.

I've never done anything to hurt you but I get that label because others have hurt you in the past.

Well stop. I feel the same way. I spent the entire day crying because I feel like my wife doesn't understand me nor does she care to.

Just because your brain makes you feel like you've been yelled at all day doesn't mean that actually happened.

Please stop talking about this. I can't handle feeling any crappier than I do.

I'm not going to yell at you when I see you. The fact that you think I will is insulting. "



I don't know how to take this. I didn't mean to insult her, I was telling the truth to help calm me but I just make more of a mess. This is all over the fact that we only have $60 - $75 for food this week and she wants to spend $30 on tea. She was telling me this morning before she even told me about getting all the tea, that I need to start to eat better and start taking food to work. Her food at work comes out of her paycheck. I have to bring mine and we never have anything but yogurt, water and tea. Then she sends me a text here at work that she wanted to get all the tea at once. I wanted to get one a week then she told me to never mind she wont get anything and a huge argument started.

She is right, I don't know her.

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds like you are both in a very stressful situation. Financial stress on top of PTSD for you; financial stress on top of depression for her. It's a situation that could strain even the best relationships.

I'll say what I am noticing from reading your posts, but you will have to decide whether it fits or not. It looks as if the two of you are in a classic approach/avoidance conflict. She gets upset when you won't interact more, and pursues you trying to get a response, even a negative one. Reading my interpretation into this, and recognizing that I don't know your wife, she may have an anxious attachment style and need frequent reassurance that she is still loved. You in turn get upset about being pursued so much and disconnect more and more the more she pursues you. It's a vicious circle that ends up with both people feeling unloved, unappreciated, and resentful. If you can take a step back from the content of the arguments and look at the dynamics of them, you might see the pattern.

Since you are in therapy, I wonder about bringing this up and asking for feedback. I read a book some time ago about different attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure. A person with an anxious style will usually hook up with someone with an avoidant style because the ensuing conflict is an unconscious way of reenacting childhood dramas in the hopes of getting it right this time. A more avoidant person will be attracted to an anxious person for the same reason. A good therapist can help identify the real conflict beneath the surface conflict (when an argument is not really about what it is about) and help people learn to communicate better, express their real needs, find their boundaries, and hear and respond to each other's needs. I could be reading my own prejudices into this, but I doubt the conflict here is really about shopping, or tea, or any of the things it's about on the surface. If you can both learn to express what you are really needing, and hear each other, you might be able to create more harmony in your relationship.

 

[Lucycat]

I see her in two hours. I hope she is the therapist that I need today.

I texted her to let her know that I am nervous, sick, shaking, sweating

I am confused. Here are you referring to your wife or your therapist?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Your wife sounds like a grade A B!TCH!

OMG telling you that she is insulted because you think you're going to be yelled at......Ya, gaslighting anyone? She yelled at you this morning, kept the argument going via text, so you are reasonably fearful. Now that you express such fear, she turns it around and BLAMES you for feeling this way! This woman is a piece of work. Not sure why you put up with it? And yes, you are buying it hook line and sinker because now you're upset because of her guilt trip! She has some nerve to sit there and say she feels insulted? Uhm, maybe she should take a look in the damn mirror and take responsibility for her own sh!t before putting it all on you!

 

[Bookoffee]

She picked me up at work to bring me to my therapy appointment. It was difficult for me. We didn't know where te therapist office was so we had I use the GPS. It was in one of the shopping bags in the back seat. Instead if figuring it out before we left, I was trying to look through our living room of a back seat. I had the dog siting on and she is telling that it is outback an look for it. Just keep telling to do things. I was feeling rushed because she was using her loud exciting voice and throwing demans around. By the time we reached my therapist I was shaken up and crying.

After my therapy appointment I was still crying. My wife started to ask me if I liked her, will she be a good fit, does she know this did you tell her that.

My mind was in a whirl wind. She made a statement about me crying. I asked her to stop but it just kept coming at me

I had a breakdown to the point my wife was going to call the ambulance.

I was thrown into a flashback. I felt being kicked and hit.

I took two Valium and sipping on expensive tea.

@sun seeker I like your theory. It makes sense to me. Know to put it in play.

 

[TonyG]

That's just a wife thing, haha
There have been times when I have been at my worst and we rarly get along, My teenage kids seem to anoy her more than me now so I'm off the hook,
I just sit back avoid her and let the kids have her fury.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@TonyG @Bookoffee If its just a wife thing, then in a F/F relationship there is 2x that crap? THAT must be INSANE!

 

[sun seeker]

I like your theory. It makes sense to me. Know to put it in play.

That's why I suggested asking your therapist for help. It sounds like things have gotten stressful enough that you'd have trouble on your own. Hard to think straight when you're triggered.

 

[Bookoffee]

If its just a wife thing, then in a F/F
relationship there is 2x that crap? THAT must be INSANE!

I am sorry but I don't understand what you are trying to relay.

 

[Bookoffee]

That's why I suggested asking your therapist for help. It sounds like things have gotten stressful enough that you'd have trouble on your own. Hard to think straight when you're triggered.

I know the tea meant a lot to her. She has been talking about it for a couple of weeks. She found a store in the city that sells it. We went over the flavors and talked about what flavors we wanted to try.

On the way into work today we talked about our budget and buying the tea was not a part of that budget.

I get to work and there is a text that she was going to get the tea while she was in the city an told me how much it was.

That is when I suggested we do one a week and having that special treat at the end of each week.

She became upset with me and everything was out of control.

She told me it was shitty of me to think she would take the money out of our food money.

I was shocked and stopped the conversation. She never told me she had extra money that I didn't know about. She didn't mention anything when we were doing the budget so my first thought is it is coming from the food money.

I still don't know how we paid for the two she ended up getting.

I designed a budget planner for us to use so she would have a better understanding on how to budget.

She talks about how great it is and it will help us but she never goes by it.

 

[Bookoffee]

If its just a wife thing, then in a F/F relationship there is 2x that crap? THAT must be INSANE

Ha! Just got it. The Valium is kicking in.

 

[sun seeker]

I was shocked and stopped the conversation. She never told me she had extra money that I didn't know about. She didn't mention anything when we were doing the budget so my first thought is it is coming from the food money.

I just quoted this bit, but it's really the whole thing I am referring to. Is this really about tea? Or is it about issues that could have come out in another situation, and disagreeing about when to buy the tea just set the scene? It looks to me as if there are deeper issues here like trust, following through on commitments, and some longstanding resentment.

Can you identify your need in this situation? It could be for honesty, trust, transparency, peace and quiet.... sometimes it helps to get clear about exactly what we are needing before we try to work on a volatile situation.

I'm glad the valium is helping.