Other Parental Alienation Syndrome

[rainy_daze]

I put this in Domestic Violence as I feel it is DV and also because it is a tactic used mainly by abusive spouses

I witnessed DV as a child, and then had to deal with the aftermath of living in two households. One where I was being abused, the other where I wasn't being abused. I know this thread has moved to another section, but I still think it will be found if anyone is searching about domestic violence.

I think that there is a large portion of myself who is so disappointed in my kids (they are 30+) for not having figured it out

I know many people over the years told me my father was so wonedrful, generous, funny, smart and kind, etc. I know some of those people would probably not believe me if I told them the truth, it would be outwith their understanding of who they think he is. I realise this may not bring you comfort @shimmerz , but you know the truth, as crazy-feeling-inducing as it is.

It is so difficult to see through an abuser, especially when they are a parent.

I am worried that that will steal an even larger part of my soul

:hug: that is heartbreaking shimmerz. It sounds like you are grieving letting them go.

 

[shimmerz]

grieving letting them go

Yes. For them, for me, for my grandchildren. This is insane. Thank you @rainy_daze . Thank you all of you. I am grateful to have your input, all of you.

 

[ghotiff]

My mother used this on me with my father. While I know this now, I have yet to find the strength to talk to him about it and from all appearances I act the same as when I was a child, believing in my mothers perfection. This is because I don't know how not to act the same, I'd like to be stronger, I just don't know how and then I fear I wont cope with the inevitable fallout if I did stand up to her and/or openly love my father.

My point is maybe they understand more than they know how to communicate. I feel for you, I really do. I hope that helps but I agree that grieving is probably healthier for you than holding out hope for visible change.

 

[shimmerz]

maybe they understand more than they know how to communicate.

Yes, I understand this. This is what kept me holding on for so very long. I feel like this is too big for them and that in order for them to acknowledge that this is happening, they as well need to acknowledge they were a part of it. Who wants to admit that to themselves? We mainly like to think of ourselves as good and kind people. This would blow that to hell because what is happening here, and for quite some time, has been not so good and not so kind. Perhaps they will see it if my grandchildren are affected by it (which they most certainly will be), but I can't keep putting my neck in the noose until that time.
Thanks ghotiff....yes, grieving, but also action on my part. It is painful.

 

[ghotiff]

Perhaps they will see it if my grandchildren are affected by it

This is when I started to really "see" it. Aspects of my parenting are like my mother and I desperately don't want to pass on the negative parts. So, here I am in therapy trying to unpick the past and learning that things I thought were normal were not normal or appropriate.

Maybe grieve that you don't have the relationship with them you want and that their insight is not as good as you would like. But, leave just enough hope that if they reach out to you in years to come, full of insight...that you can consider opening the door to them.