I had a horrible experience with a therapist, I already made a thread about it but I think I wasn't really able to explain why it was so bad. I make it short here: It was invalidating, condescending and retraumatizing.
After that probatory/trial session I was suicidal. I had no concrete plans but it was clear to me that this path would lead to only one outcome. At the same day I visited my best friend, she has a daughter that was happy to see me and it broke my heart because I had this suicidal thoughts. Still I could not do anything against it. For several days I was in that state and luckily I found, by accident, information about the "presuicidal syndrome". It explained everything I experienced:
1. Constriction. There was no hope, no way to solve my problems (on top of traumatic events I can't find a way to get work, I not only get no help with my psychological problems but also the employment office/job center is a burden and no help too), dark "stuck" thoughts etc.
2. Inhibited aggression. Very strong but inhibited aggression that turns towards the self. This was really bad after the session with the therapist.
3. Suicidal phantasies (getting accustomed to the thought of not being there anymore). Not phantasies about how but how it would affect other people if I was dead. All the time daydreams etc. where I was dead for whatever reason.
When I found out about this syndrome it was like a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something.
I tried to find options for action. It was important to get active and have at least a little bit hope. I got a medication, which in the end didn't help but it still was the right thing to do. I tried to clean my thoughts and make it possible to search for another therapist etc.
I reflected about the aggressions. Even after that experience I first tried to hold on to that therapist. This was one of the causes for the inhibited aggression that turned towards myself. Suddenly I could be angry at her, it was a murderous aggression, she treated me so bad while I needed help the most.
I also tried to work on my phantasies, not surrendering to them was also important.
I think the most important step was to recognize the aggression towards that therapist.
I never told anybody about all that. I am still not sure if I should share it here but I also think I need at least to tell somebody.
I am not well but I am far from that syndrome and I don't see any risk in the future regarding that. Still, but this is another topic, I have this high expectations for myself that I have to be there for other people, solve their problems etc. And just today after thinking about what a mess I was the last months I came to the conclusion that no one can demand anything from me currently.
After that probatory/trial session I was suicidal. I had no concrete plans but it was clear to me that this path would lead to only one outcome. At the same day I visited my best friend, she has a daughter that was happy to see me and it broke my heart because I had this suicidal thoughts. Still I could not do anything against it. For several days I was in that state and luckily I found, by accident, information about the "presuicidal syndrome". It explained everything I experienced:
1. Constriction. There was no hope, no way to solve my problems (on top of traumatic events I can't find a way to get work, I not only get no help with my psychological problems but also the employment office/job center is a burden and no help too), dark "stuck" thoughts etc.
2. Inhibited aggression. Very strong but inhibited aggression that turns towards the self. This was really bad after the session with the therapist.
3. Suicidal phantasies (getting accustomed to the thought of not being there anymore). Not phantasies about how but how it would affect other people if I was dead. All the time daydreams etc. where I was dead for whatever reason.
When I found out about this syndrome it was like a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something.
I tried to find options for action. It was important to get active and have at least a little bit hope. I got a medication, which in the end didn't help but it still was the right thing to do. I tried to clean my thoughts and make it possible to search for another therapist etc.
I reflected about the aggressions. Even after that experience I first tried to hold on to that therapist. This was one of the causes for the inhibited aggression that turned towards myself. Suddenly I could be angry at her, it was a murderous aggression, she treated me so bad while I needed help the most.
I also tried to work on my phantasies, not surrendering to them was also important.
I think the most important step was to recognize the aggression towards that therapist.
I never told anybody about all that. I am still not sure if I should share it here but I also think I need at least to tell somebody.
I am not well but I am far from that syndrome and I don't see any risk in the future regarding that. Still, but this is another topic, I have this high expectations for myself that I have to be there for other people, solve their problems etc. And just today after thinking about what a mess I was the last months I came to the conclusion that no one can demand anything from me currently.
