I overcame the presuicidal syndrome

[Calmdown]

I had a horrible experience with a therapist, I already made a thread about it but I think I wasn't really able to explain why it was so bad. I make it short here: It was invalidating, condescending and retraumatizing.
After that probatory/trial session I was suicidal. I had no concrete plans but it was clear to me that this path would lead to only one outcome. At the same day I visited my best friend, she has a daughter that was happy to see me and it broke my heart because I had this suicidal thoughts. Still I could not do anything against it. For several days I was in that state and luckily I found, by accident, information about the "presuicidal syndrome". It explained everything I experienced:

1. Constriction. There was no hope, no way to solve my problems (on top of traumatic events I can't find a way to get work, I not only get no help with my psychological problems but also the employment office/job center is a burden and no help too), dark "stuck" thoughts etc.

2. Inhibited aggression. Very strong but inhibited aggression that turns towards the self. This was really bad after the session with the therapist.

3. Suicidal phantasies (getting accustomed to the thought of not being there anymore). Not phantasies about how but how it would affect other people if I was dead. All the time daydreams etc. where I was dead for whatever reason.

When I found out about this syndrome it was like a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something.
I tried to find options for action. It was important to get active and have at least a little bit hope. I got a medication, which in the end didn't help but it still was the right thing to do. I tried to clean my thoughts and make it possible to search for another therapist etc.
I reflected about the aggressions. Even after that experience I first tried to hold on to that therapist. This was one of the causes for the inhibited aggression that turned towards myself. Suddenly I could be angry at her, it was a murderous aggression, she treated me so bad while I needed help the most.
I also tried to work on my phantasies, not surrendering to them was also important.

I think the most important step was to recognize the aggression towards that therapist.

I never told anybody about all that. I am still not sure if I should share it here but I also think I need at least to tell somebody.

I am not well but I am far from that syndrome and I don't see any risk in the future regarding that. Still, but this is another topic, I have this high expectations for myself that I have to be there for other people, solve their problems etc. And just today after thinking about what a mess I was the last months I came to the conclusion that no one can demand anything from me currently.

 

[Rorster93]

I would find a therapist that I trust (which takes time) to tell these things to. I'm sorry about your first experience with a therapist, but there are good ones out there.

 

[Calmdown]

Thanks, but this wasn't the first bad experience ... It is really hard to find a good therapist and some are even damaging. Because of this it is even more important to have some knowledge that helps coping with these extreme situations.

 

[thursday]

I admire you Calmdown. You are such a strong person to be able to get through this by yourself. You are a real asset to this forum.

 

[Starfire]

I had a horrible experience with a therapist, I already made a thread about it but I think I wasn't really able to explain why it was so bad. I make it short here: It was invalidating, condescending and retraumatizing.
After that probatory/trial session I was suicidal. I had no concrete plans but it was clear to me that this path would lead to only one outcome. At the same day I visited my best friend, she has a daughter that was happy to see me and it broke my heart because I had this suicidal thoughts. Still I could not do anything against it. For several days I was in that state and luckily I found, by accident, information about the "presuicidal syndrome". It explained everything I experienced:

1. Constriction. There was no hope, no way to solve my problems (on top of traumatic events I can't find a way to get work, I not only get no help with my psychological problems but also the employment office/job center is a burden and no help too), dark "stuck" thoughts etc.

2. Inhibited aggression. Very strong but inhibited aggression that turns towards the self. This was really bad after the session with the therapist.

3. Suicidal phantasies (getting accustomed to the thought of not being there anymore). Not phantasies about how but how it would affect other people if I was dead. All the time daydreams etc. where I was dead for whatever reason.

When I found out about this syndrome it was like a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something.
I tried to find options for action. It was important to get active and have at least a little bit hope. I got a medication, which in the end didn't help but it still was the right thing to do. I tried to clean my thoughts and make it possible to search for another therapist etc.
I reflected about the aggressions. Even after that experience I first tried to hold on to that therapist. This was one of the causes for the inhibited aggression that turned towards myself. Suddenly I could be angry at her, it was a murderous aggression, she treated me so bad while I needed help the most.
I also tried to work on my phantasies, not surrendering to them was also important.

I think the most important step was to recognize the aggression towards that therapist.

I never told anybody about all that. I am still not sure if I should share it here but I also think I need at least to tell somebody.

I am not well but I am far from that syndrome and I don't see any risk in the future regarding that. Still, but this is another topic, I have this high expectations for myself that I have to be there for other people, solve their problems etc. And just today after thinking about what a mess I was the last months I came to the conclusion that no one can demand anything from me currently.

Thanks for posting this. Have been recently trying to find events/feeling leading up to that conclusion. This is a big help. Thanks again. Hope it helps you as well

 

[iceberg13]

I had a horrible experience with a therapist, I already made a thread about it but I think I wasn't really able to explain why it was so bad. I make it short here: It was invalidating, condescending and retraumatizing.
After that probatory/trial session I was suicidal. I had no concrete plans but it was clear to me that this path would lead to only one outcome. At the same day I visited my best friend, she has a daughter that was happy to see me and it broke my heart because I had this suicidal thoughts. Still I could not do anything against it. For several days I was in that state and luckily I found, by accident, information about the "presuicidal syndrome". It explained everything I experienced:

1. Constriction. There was no hope, no way to solve my problems (on top of traumatic events I can't find a way to get work, I not only get no help with my psychological problems but also the employment office/job center is a burden and no help too), dark "stuck" thoughts etc.

2. Inhibited aggression. Very strong but inhibited aggression that turns towards the self. This was really bad after the session with the therapist.

3. Suicidal phantasies (getting accustomed to the thought of not being there anymore). Not phantasies about how but how it would affect other people if I was dead. All the time daydreams etc. where I was dead for whatever reason.

When I found out about this syndrome it was like a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something.
I tried to find options for action. It was important to get active and have at least a little bit hope. I got a medication, which in the end didn't help but it still was the right thing to do. I tried to clean my thoughts and make it possible to search for another therapist etc.
I reflected about the aggressions. Even after that experience I first tried to hold on to that therapist. This was one of the causes for the inhibited aggression that turned towards myself. Suddenly I could be angry at her, it was a murderous aggression, she treated me so bad while I needed help the most.
I also tried to work on my phantasies, not surrendering to them was also important.

I think the most important step was to recognize the aggression towards that therapist.

I never told anybody about all that. I am still not sure if I should share it here but I also think I need at least to tell somebody.

I am not well but I am far from that syndrome and I don't see any risk in the future regarding that. Still, but this is another topic, I have this high expectations for myself that I have to be there for other people, solve their problems etc. And just today after thinking about what a mess I was the last months I came to the conclusion that no one can demand anything from me currently.

I can really relate to this...for me it has gotten to the point that thinking of finding a new therapist or going back to the one I have now seems traumatic in itself especially when we don't want to go on.

I'm feeling stuck and I've never heard of presuicidsl syndrome but I am pretty sure I have it. I'm ready to give up.

 

[Calmdown]

Yes, this sounds like constricted thinking. It can help to find small opportunities to take action. It’s important to break out of this way of thinking, even if it’s difficult right now. Recognize the aggression that has been directed against yourself and find out where it comes from. Don’t give in to daydreams in which you are dead, recognize them as a symptom. That’s what helped me. I hope it can help you too or at least give you something to think about.