Had A Blow Out At Dinner

[shimmerz]

I don't want cancer, I don't want PTSD. I don't bother any more about people recognizing the hell that PTSD brings. I am the one who needs to live with myself at the end off all of this. I need to know that I did my best.

To be honest, those that are insensitive to PTSD are just outing themselves to me and helping me determine who my friends will be and who they won't be.

I am guessing this friend of yours is insensitive to your suffering otherwise you wouldn't have blown up at her. Friends can be sensitive to more than 1 friend at a time and express that in different ways. What was your friend empathizing with her cancer ridden friend that you felt was being withheld from you?

 

[Nighthawk]

This "friend" is no longer a friend and has not been for a long time. The aquaintance who is not a friend either is not her frien. Just something for her to pay attention to. I don't honestly know or care to tell you the truth. I got catapulted into a responce that I typicaly would not voice. I hate that I am broken to this degree at the moment and I hate that I get this way.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't honestly know or care to tell you the truth.

Ahhhhh, that puts a different spin on it. I thought you cared about your response because you cared about her. Personally, if she has been a dolt and isn't your friend and was going on about how someone else is hurting then that was a completely idiotic thing for her to do. It sounds like you went off on her for good reason. Nothing wrong with a little pressure release around those types imho. Sounds like an totally human response for having your very real issues dismissed.

 

[KwanYingirl]

In the 70s people with cancer hid it so they wouldn't be fired. Chemotherapy killed more people than it cured. Cancer was only diagnosed in late stages. Many years have passed and its a whole new world for cancer victims. Personally, my heart does not bleed for them as it does for those of us who have PTSD. The majority of us have families that ignore us instead of pray for us. As a group, I can't see us pulling off a 10k walk and run to raise research funds. Hollywood doesn't support mental illness. I also have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. My very integrity is based on society NOT poisoning me with perfumes and air fresheners and scented laundry products. Ignored??? You don't know being ignored. Yeah, I'll take cancer over MCS any day and I tell people that all the time. If someone gets lung cancer from smoking forever I have no sympathy for them.

 

[sun seeker]

The majority of us have families that ignore us instead of pray for us.

And that's on top of the self doubt that seems inherent in the condition causing us to constantly question whether we have a right to support in the first place.

I don't think any of us want to have cancer. (I know I don't - I'm a wimp about pain.) It's the chance to be treated with as much dignity and respect as anyone else. Sigh.

@KwanYingirl, I know several people with MCS, some of them pretty intimately. It's so badly understood and lots of people don't even believe it exists. I feel for you.

 

[jaccat]

I also have Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. My very integrity is based on society NOT poisoning me with perfumes and air fresheners and scented laundry products. Ignored??? You don't know being ignored.

Oh yeah. Isn't it great though when you have to walk away from someone because you literally cannot breathe in their presence:hungover:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes. I am so isolated.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh yeah. Isn't it great though when you have to walk away from someone because you literally cannot breathe in their presence:hungover:

Ya and then they start in on this "I have rights!" BS! I have sensitivities, too, my worst is to smoking. I can walk by a person who is a heavy smoker and get an instant migraine. Never mind what happens when someone smokes in my presence! If I hear one more time about "smokers rights" I will probably punch them. Yeah, get off your damn high horse and stop thinking you have the right to kill me because you DON'T!

 

[VioletButterfly]

I agree with @ The Albatross. Preparation and self-care are key here if this is an essential relationship. Sometimes, with certain people, I babble because I am nervous or I go into defensive "fawn" posturing with authority types. Either way, I feel uncomfortable and usually ashamed afterwards, while feeling very anxious before-hand when I "prepare" for the coffee date or lunch. Why do I put myself through this? I have considered it at length.

Just recently, I agreed to meet with someone when I knew it was most likely going to cause fall-out for me. Why did I go? A learning opportunity for me to consider in that I did something I didn't want to do - the "why" has me stumped aside from the basic need to communicate with another live person. As I already knew, I've been undoing the emotional jangling fall-out from the meet-up since then. I'm starting to get that there are certain people that I only see once each year for a reason. Maybe, now, this one will go up on the shelf with others who trigger me, hurt me and/or just aren't necessary in my life - they cross boundaries, are careless in what they say and/or with my feelings.... It's an odd sensation to cut a human relationship out of my life because I have so few, but I'm finding that my peace of mind is more important than this or that relationship. Also, there are millions of people out there, so I now find myself questioning how I became so spun down in this one tight circle of "acquaintances." Just some thoughts I've been having regarding loneliness, relationships, and boundaries. I have a good bit of work to do in this regard, but wanted to share in case it might be helpful.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. VB

 

[seedling]

On some level, I respect that the part of you that spoke out, it needs and deserves to be heard.
You "cracked" and it came out, the beaten down, in-pain part of you that had something to say. Could it have been more polite? Yes, but that's not what usually, humanly happens.
If you need to apologize for hurting someone's feelings you can, but give that part of you the credit it deserves for speaking out something so important to you.
It's not like life happens like a rehearsed, logical speech. If I was there as your friend I would have tried to hear what you meant.

 

[seedling]

Wow, I just am looking at my last post here and I did the same thing today as you, Nighthawk, on my own scale. I'm now listening to my own words standing on the other side of it. Yes, today I let some long forgotten part of me speak out. Eek!