My Therapist Has Been On Vacation....

[Justmehere]

...and somehow, I have convinced myself that I should quit therapy because things have SUCKED while she has been gone.

Which doesn't make logical sense. Therapy is at least helping me do life better when my therapist is here.

I know this post is awfully vague. I'm not sure how to be more specific right now. My trauma therapist is one of the best around here and is a very good fit for me. Somehow, while she has been gone, something inside of me is robustly screaming, "quit! run! you are a failure!" It is so intense I really want to cancel my appointment scheduled for the day she gets back. Or yell at her. Or give up. Or... None of it makes logical sense to me right now and I am doing everything I can to not leave her a message canceling the appointment.

What the heck? How do I dig myself out of this hole? I'm not even sure how or why this is coming up. :(

 

[digger]

I do this every time my T is on a break! I wonder if it's partly a defensive, protective, thing, that when they're unavailable we convince ourselves that we don't actually need them (even though we really still do) - like the break is because in my head I have quit, rather than because she's not there?

 

[Justmehere]

that when they're unavailable we convince ourselves that we don't actually need them

yes

like the break is because in my head I have quit, rather than because she's not there?

and yes!

I think it could be some kind of attempt to feel like I don't really need her, like I'm in control, I can walk away, I don't really need her this much, and I can be just ok on my own or even find someone else. I actually called two other therapists this week. No idea why. I didn't like them and I don't even know why I called to set up an appointment with them. I didn't get past the initial phone consult. Which is good in a way.

My feelings have a real angry tinge to them. I don't really feel angry at her. I feel angry at myself.

 

[Jane.l]

I do a version of this too. Maybe it's something to do with realising on some level just how much you DO need her and that's scary and you feel abandoned - so you try to abandon her, but can't ? I think that's what I do.

 

[PlainJane]

I do that just with normal life i want to quit all things good for me when things spiral. I feel so undeserving of anything good. Don't know if this is the direction you're thinking. I have ignored everyone who could possibly make me feel better. I received a text this morning from a well intentioned friend who ACTUALLY understands what I'm dealing with here. I Reacted poorly to say the least. Not to her, but it took every fiber of my being to keep me from severing contact with her. It wasn't because of anything she said, it's just me in a mode. It's part of the reason why I too "drowning myself in music." Just trying to get out of my own head. Sweeping the same area over and over, drawing zentangles (thanks @Sammyiam, I love them.) peering incessantly at the forum filling my brain with anything but my current afflictions. I know I can't offer much help but wanted to tell you I am in the same boat.

 

[Leigh925]

I do this everytime. In fact I am in the midst of it now. One more week to go!

I think I disconnect myself as a way to protect myself. Both of my parents left a lot. We never knew when they were coming back. We often lived with aunts and uncles or grandparents. My mom finally left for good when I was 14.

So I kind of have a built in assumption that my therapist is not coming back and if he does it won't be the same. So if I cut off and walk away first it won't hurt as bad.

I also made an appt with another therapist this week! It is Tuesday. I don't know if I will go yet or not. It's like a safety net in a way.

I also feel angry with myself during those times. I think I feel that if I wasn't somehow flawed people would have stayed. I mean really how many moms don't love their little girls? I have always internalized it instead of acknowledging it had to do with her own mental illness.

I fight this thinking every single time! Sometimes it is easier than others. It depends on what we have been working on.

I was triggered very badly right before he left and this time has sucked! But I recognize what it is and I keep going back and I am always so glad I did.

The more times I practice reconnecting the more confidence I gain in my other relationships as well.

Sorry you are having a tough time!

 

[scout86]

Back when my T was relocating his office and things were up in the air for awhile I felt something similar. I think part of the deal for me was "You can't fire me, I quit?" Like I'm going to bail on you before you get the chance to abandon me. (I never said THIS was rational either!)

How do I dig myself out of this hole?

You keep the appointment and show up. Some day, "victory" is just showing up.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe it's something to do with realising on some level just how much you DO need her and that's scary and you feel abandoned

Yeah, I am very used to pulling myself up by own OWN bootstraps, no help from anyone, thank-you-very-much. I am independent to an unhealthy degree. :( I think I do this because it is so shit-scary for me to need anyone.

I know I can't offer much help but wanted to tell you I am in the same boat.

It helps SO much to know I'm not alone in this. It's helping take away some of the power of this spiral that is trying to suck me down...

I think I disconnect myself as a way to protect myself. Both of my parents left a lot. We never knew when they were coming back.

This is very true for me as well. I'm used to people leaving, just leaving, with no notice of when or any return. This really connects something for me. I really massively want to text her the day she gets back - "are you back?" just to confirm, tangibly, that she is back. I keep really viciously beating myself up for wanting to do this. "Stop being so needy or then she will leave." Which sends me on a whole new "I don't really need her..." spiral.

The more times I practice reconnecting the more confidence I gain in my other relationships as well.

I'm really glad to hear this because this pattern isn't unique to my relationship with my therapist, although it seems to be the strongest with her. Ugh. :( Is there anything that helped you make that connection again?

You keep the appointment and show up. Some day, "victory" is just showing up.

Good point!

 

[Leigh925]

@Justmehere I am still not great at the reconnecting part. It takes me a couple of sessions but it is getting easier. He just always reminds me that there hasn't been a time yet where we haven't recovered from a vacation or a misunderstanding.

Now I tell that to myself over and over again. I also tell myself that it is okay and to expect feeling a little numb when we first get started again. I used to think that meant something. Now I know it is just where I have the automatic response to shut down and in a session or two I will open up again. So it doesn't freak me out now that I recognize it.

I will say that I am kind of spoiled because he will text me when he is back in town. Just knowing that makes me feel better especially if we have a few days until the next appt.

Since I have gotten better at it with him I notice I am getting better at it with other people in my life. Slowly....very slowly I am starting to change my assumptions....maybe not everyone leaves for good.

 

[Digz]

@Justmehere - I wonder if your reaction is about abandonment? Your therapist has left you, even temporarily - a person you probably fought hard to trust - and some part of you may feel betrayed by that - may even feel like it is your fault. I especially wonder this because not only do you want to run, but because you mentioned your mind is telling you that you are a failure. It made me wonder if you feel your therapist has left because you weren't good enough or something similar.
I may be way off base, of course. I just know that my abandonment issues caused me to think similarly.
Whatever the cause, try your best to ignore that voice and take deep breaths to try and get yourself to that appointment. By your own admission, therapy seems to be working and you know it and you seem very well aware that these thoughts are somehow buried in the past, meaning they are no longer helpful.
I think, if you can make it to your appointment, what you have been thinking and feeling about leaving your therapist, would, ironically, be very important to discuss with your therapist!

 

[Justmehere]

@Justmehere - I wonder if your reaction is about abandonment? Your therapist has left you, even temporarily - a person you probably fought hard to trust - and some part of you may feel betrayed by that - may even feel like it is your fault. I especially wonder this because not only do you want to run, but because you mentioned your mind is telling you that you are a failure.

I think this actually really fits, and I really don't want to admit it. It wasn't even that long of a vacation...

I so badly want to text her on the day she gets back to just ask if she is back. For now, I am painting (literally painting) out all my emotions.

edited to add: p.s. I just realized that I miss her so much. Is this bad?

 

[Digz]

I know how you feel. I had strong abandonment issues and they have this terrible way of making you feel ashamed because you know logically it hasn't been long or it doesn't make sense. But actually, it does logically make sense. Somewhere in your story that led you to having PTSD and seeing this therapist, this abandonment issue was created. It is not your fault and it is not for you to feel ashamed by. You feel how you feel and her leaving has triggered this. Don't feel bad. Feel happy that you've had the insight to recognise there was something not quite right about your thinking and the courage to address it by posting on here. When I was going through early days of therapy I had to ask my therapist to stop writing the word 'bye' on the end of emails, because my abandonment issues were so strong and goodbye suggested an end to things!!
If you can bring these issues up with her in therapy, it would be a great first step and allow her to help you deal with and process these emotions.
If you don't feel comfortable or think you might struggle to bring them up, write it down and hand it to her. Or, even text her on the day she comes back and say that it has triggered abandonment issues, that you have been struggling, but didn't feel that you would be able to say this in person at the next session.
Believe me, if you can manage to start taking some small steps to address this, it will make a big difference. Abandonment issues feel so horrible when you're experiencing them, but if you can manage to work through them they will eventually lessen and you will become more confident.
Btw - painting is a great way to deal with it. Art is proven to help with mental health!
Good luck!