Childhood Was This Sexual Abuse?

[anteaterwaltz]

I'm scared to post this but when I was 12 I was messaged online by a man who was 23. All I said was thanks because he called me beautiful or something similar. He kept pressuring me to talk to him and quickly he was telling me about how horrible his life is and if he didn't have me to talk to he'd kill himself. He expected me to talk to him any time of the day even in the middle of the night, and if I didn't respond he'd tell me he wanted to kill himself and give me panic attacks. He knew it gave me panic attacks and he still did it. But quickly he had asked me sexual stuff and pressured me into looking at sexual pictures of him because he said he "wanted to show how much he loved me". And when I told him he was pressuring me he'd again go on about how he wanted to die. He soon got me to do sexual things with him on webcam. This started when I was around 13 or 14 and he was 24 or 25. He knew it was illegal but told me we were an exception. I believed him. I think I didn't feel like it was wrong because he had groomed me from when I was 12. He also threatened me to not tell anyone else by saying he was violent and had beat many people nearly to death (recently he told me it was lies, he was trying to control what I thought about him). And that if he went to jail he would become violent toward me. This went on for almost four years and during this time I had really bad depression and I was self harming and I didn't know why. I "broke up with him" about 5 months ago cause his abuse got really obvious, he would plainly insult me. Then I slowly started to realize what was done to me. I feel violated and guilty like it's my fault and ashamed. He showed no remorse to what he did to me either which is the worst part, I'm alone. I haven't gone to my psychiatrist about this but I'm very certain I have PTSD. I'm so angry all the time and I spend nights without sleeping at all and I keep remembering things and feeling awful again. Right now I can't focus on anything at all. I don't feel the constant panic and stress I used to feel but know it's just different kinds of bad feelings. I get triggered by things but no one understands. I can't handle when people talk about certain things related to sex and I have to cover my ears. But my friends don't seem to understand that I really can't hear that stuff. I'm 17 now so I hear it a lot and I have to distance myself from people. I also can't understand the concept of wanting to be in a romantic relationship because all I know related to that is horrible feelings. I don't like thinking about or hearing about relationships either.


I don't really have a certain question to ask besides was this actual sexual abuse because it was over video chat and not in person and I feel like I'm alone and it's not considered real abuse but I have The symptoms of PTSD and I'm scared and confused and can't think anymore, I just need help and I don't know what to do. And I'm scared to post this because I never told anyone fully what happened. I don't know if this is the right place to post this.

 

[rightkindofme]

First step is talking to your psychiatrist. You can't self-diagnose with PTSD.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It was clearly abuse whether or not it was "sexual assault" and that can mess you up for life too.

 

[anteaterwaltz]

I know I shouldn't self diagnose and i can't really but it's hard to talk about it anonymously even. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about it.

 

[WillyKat]

You're braver than you give yourself credit for. Yes, do see a qualified psychologist (preferable in my opinion) or psychiatrist. And yes it was certainly abusive and sexual. The labels are less important than the details, so whether it was this or that or the other thing can be sorted out later.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[rightkindofme]

I hear you that it is hard to talk about. It will get easier over time if you work on it. At 17 I wasn't good at talking about my abuse stuff either. I didn't get "comfortable" until my 30's.

If you don't have your problems solved next week that's ok. You have time.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm really sorry to hear what happened. A self diagnosis for something complex as PTSD should be made by a professional to enable you to get the right support and help. What he did was so wrong and most definately illegal when you were 14 , he's a sick man who used a child to feed his sexual desires , he used your vulnerability to entice you into a web if lies and controlled not only you but the situation . I would speak to the police and definately to your doctor or a professional who can help you . He needs to be stopped as he could be preying on younger children , it really concerns me. I sincerely hope you get the right help. It wasn't your fault you was a child , he knew what he was doing. Please don't feel alone there are professional people who can help you. Good luck x

 

[Justmehere]

What what he did to you sexual abuse? He committed several very serious felonies, sexually based, of which you were the child victim of. He did commit sex crimes against you.

Do you have PTSD? As others have said, no one here can diagnose. You gotta talk to your doc.

You are very brave. None of what he did is your fault. None of it. Kids under 17 legally can not consent to this stuff because they are not old enough to know how to handle it all or how to say no to horrible predators like him.

 

[anteaterwaltz]

I want to go to the police and my psychiatrist but I guess I do need more time. I've been thinking about doing it a lot, but I haven't been mentally ready to yet.

 

[rightkindofme]

Have you ever considered finding an advocate? You can talk to your local rape crisis counseling center (google that phrase with the name of your city) and asking them about an advocate for facing the police? Your psychiatrist probably doesn't have contact with an advocate program but I'd ask there too. Going to the police is an ordeal. I pressed charges against my father for rape when I was 16. You will need support.

What happened to you is absolutely, completely and totally illegal for good reasons. There are people in the world who want to help you.

 

[WillyKat]

Another alternative, but one that doesn't always work (because some people are idiots) is a school counsellor.

 

[shimmerz]

I had a step daughter who went through this. She was 9. It is sick. My job used to be advocating for kids in this position, proving that a crime was committed. So yes, given what you have said, it was definitely a crime. There are a couple of options. I would go to a women's advocacy group (here we have something called Yellow Brick House). We also have a domestic abuse and sexual assault agency (DASA). It sounds to me like you need to have allies with this situation. It will help resolve the conflicts that this would have brought up.

 

[anteaterwaltz]

I'll definitely look for a counseling center or advocacy group now I know this, but before i wasn't sure honestly if what happened to me was considered abuse/assault so I didn't think I could go to places like that.