I Have Had It

[shimmerz]

It's been just over a week that I have been reeling. I finally felt like I had it under control today. Finally. Felt like I was grounded some. Felt okay. So what does Shimmerz do when she feels okay? She packs up stuff because she has to move again. She hates packing up stuff, it is so goddam stressful - so f*ing stressful. So off she goes and packs boxes and bags, makes arrangements for her friend to drag two big tubs of stuff up from his basement so she can pack and store the kak at her sons place (something else she f*ing hates doing). She is moving forward.

She takes the stuff out to her car. Packs the car up which is a chore unto itself, makes sure she has everything because it is confusing when stuff is everywhere and that is what happens when you have no freaking place to live again. Finally gets all organized, gets into the car with a moan and a groan because of her f*ing pancreas, turns the key and .... oh wait. The car doesn't start again. F**************** goddamm piece of sheist garbage KAK. F**** off you f*****ing universe.

I am absolutely collapsing. Tears everywhere and I never cry. I have fought like the devil to get out of this head space for chrissakes. I get it universe. Obviously I am f*ing up in your grand scheme of things but seriously f* right off. I have had enough of the toying you are doing with me. F off eat sheist and go implode on yourself. You are heartless.

 

[Frogs88]

Have a good cry. Have a good rant. Then try to look after yourself.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Damn cars on top of moving in the winter. It sucks. The only upside is you don't have to cook for awhile.

 

[Hope4Now]

Oh dear Shimmerz. Here's responses on all sorts of fronts...maybe one will resonate.

I'm glad you have tears! That will help so much! You're not collapsing...you're feeling! Revel in it. You're alive. This is what happens when we don't dissociate into numbness!

Cars just suck. I hate cars. I wish we had horses again. Even bikes are better. Stupid f-ing car. I'm shaking my fists at the universe in solidarity with you.

I'm spiritual without being particularly religious, but I do like the saying...."Do you want to know how to make god laugh?" "Make plans." It used to make me feel pretty pissed off. Now it's just a humbling reminder that we really don't have much control...all we can do is try to be with the experiences of the present--good or bad--feel them in us, in our bodyminds.

I used to be a lifeguard and acquatics instructor. One of the lessons we learned was what to do when you're caught in bad currents in the sea, undertows or riptides etc....it's a lesson I have been revisiting recently. If you try to swim against the current or fight it in any way, you'll get exhausted and drown. You have to talk your bodymind into relaxing, stop moving, and float. Let the current carry you. You'll end up in a different place than you wanted to, but you'll be alive and on shore. And, it's not just theory. It actually happened to me one time in Florida. I ended up about 3/4 of a mile away from where my friends were lolling on the beach.

Can you leave the car packed and call a tow service to jump you? Do they have a Canadian version of AAA you can join, like now? Can you go back to the house and throw yourself on the sofa and sleep for a little?

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[sun seeker]

((((shimmerz)))) Here are a whole bunch more hugs to add to @Hope4Now's. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Crying is good, and I'm glad you can rant to us. I know it feels like your world is falling to pieces, but there is something better for you. I'll believe that for now because it must be hard for you to. This reminds me of your Chaos thread.

Where are you going now? No pressure to answer, but you aren't planning on sleeping in your car in a Canadian March, with pancreatitis?

Missive to Universe: Get it together already! Isn't it time for the chaos to settle and show the good stuff waiting behind it?

 

[Hope4Now]

Here's another tidbit to offer distraction or healing or something. Albert Camus. His book, The Myth of Sisyphus has been enormously helpful to my intellectual part that is desperate to find meaning in all this suffering. This is a quote from the essay which lends the book its title. These are the final lines of the essay:

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one's burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night-filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

Here's the whole essay if this intrigues you: http://www.nyu.edu/classes/keefer/hell/camus.html
And I think this is actually the whole book here, in a pdf: Link Removed

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@shimmerz Would like to meet you someday, and have a bonfire. Moved over 50 X in my life, each time did get worse. No point in packing as it gets lost and what you end up with is the shite no one stole in the move. Even the tools from my car gone. If I had room and was not so ashamed of my living conditions I would offer you a place that is mostly quiet. I can't, or maybe I could. Indoors is hard for me, so other than food, bathroom and a few hours sleep I am out on my deck or walking the woods. It is a mess as I have not unpacked from the last move. Have old car that carries lots and is reliable. No snow just some rain here. I could use the tent which I like, and you could have the inside mostly to yourself.

 

[shimmerz]

I'll believe that for now because it must be hard for you to.

Impossible. I am trying to ground out watching NLP videos. I can't decide whether they are helping or not. Get a grip, get a grip. I keep trying but I feel like I am hanging off a cliff for dear life and the freaking powers that be are stomping on my fingers. I know I should be treading water right now, but I must get ready to move around again on Sunday when my DIL comes back. I have to get things arranged here. I called CAA, and have used up all of my roadside assistant calls so a friend is going to drop off his plug in charger for me. I at least had the wherewithal to get that sorted out.

I keep breaking down and I am not certain that is good for me or not. People say it is but last time I allowed myself to cry I ended up in hospital. Tears frighten me. I know I badly need to just chill but this life is not conducive to that right now and I don't see an end in sight. I was trying to get the packing out of the way. Sun, yes, this feels like chaos. I don't remember exactly what was in the thread but it may well be the same thing as I posted about this f**** car along the way and it makes me feel like chaos - every time I move bags or boxes into my car it seems to die on me. How can I help myself when I get no cooperation. Goddamm freaking universal frigging bulls* garbage kak. More tears..... wash, rinse, repeat.

No sleeping in cars in the middle of nowhere tonight, no. The freaking thing has to start and take me to the middle of nowhere first.

 

[shimmerz]

Indoors is hard for me, so other than food, bathroom and a few hours sleep I am out on my deck or walking the woods.

Me too @Changeling . I am terrified of inside. That is why I run to the 'middle of nowhere'. I am looking for open space, 4 walls are so terrifying to me. It is really a catch 22 isn't it? I am so very sorry you walk this same road. Seriously guys, so many hugs back to you. I so don't mean to be such a pain. I have no idea why I am looking for fair because I know it doesn't exist. I just don't get why I am so far down on the scale.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@shimmerz Serious, you are welcome here. Tiny old fishing cabin on a tiny lake. Mostly very quiet. Me and my dog and lots of books. Seattle area if that works for you. I haven't done PM on here or have contact info. Let me know if this might be ….

 

[shimmerz]

I need to think on this radical change thing. Clearly what I am doing right now is not working for me. Heavy sigh.....let me think on what is next....Seriously, so much love and so many hugs to all of you. I do feel cared about and that is so very helpful. More tears, but kinder, softer tears.

 

[sun seeker]

And @shimmerz, do remember that you have had several offers of places to stay. I don't know which one is closest, but I think they are all sincere. You are wanted. Seriously.