Malevolent Abuse

[shimmerz]

How does it feel to you?

Not certain if you are speaking of betrayal trauma Sun but for me it is like a raping of the soul. I give my all to someone, am vulnerable to them and they systematically violate my soul. All the while I am smiling because I have handed over my trust. I am blinded to it. Until I am not.

Here is a link that you may be interested in.

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/malevolent-abuse.51851/#post-827182

 

[Deleted member 28740]

reasons "why" he is who he is. Those reasons don't matter to me.

Oh but those reasons took a decade from me trying to figure it all his F*ng MONSTER BS out, wasting me away. Saves elephants and wants to be a monk, the new mask. Thanks Friday. I can not do hate, too much energy lost, but finally can loathe.

 

[shimmerz]

Loathe....I like that. I get hung up on hate too. I feel like it poisons me to hate someone. Nobody is worth that.

 

[Hope4future]

Thank you all for helping me understand the distinction. Abuse is complicated abuse regardless of the intent.

For me, I struggle with feeling like the abuse was my fault, that I deserved it, and that it even really happened to me.

Recent memories have revealed the malevolent nature of his actions. It makes it hard to see how it could have been that little girl's fault. Good insight. Hard truth.

Hard to hang on to your sense of worth or to build a sense of worth when your parent sets out to destroy your soul, and when he takes pleasure in your pain.

I'm uncomfortable comparing which is worse, malevolent or nonmalevolent abuse. Both damage our bodies, minds, and souls. Both leave us with the challenge of rebuilding ourselves.

Thank you all for helping me gain perspective.

 

[sun seeker]

For me, I struggle with feeling like the abuse was my fault, that I deserved it, and that it even really happened to me.

That just means you're normal Hope. Few people who are abused don't struggle with all these things.

I'm uncomfortable comparing which is worse, malevolent or nonmalevolent abuse.

I think that's wise. Comparing too easily leads to minimizing, and minimizing distracts us from the point, which as you so aptly say is the challenge of rebuilding ourselves.

Good work figuring this out!

 

[sun seeker]

Not certain if you are speaking of betrayal trauma Sun but for me it is like a raping of the soul.

I was answering the original question about malevolent abuse, but I'm glad now that I didn't make that clear, because the link is so helpful. Thank you @shimmerz.

I'm having a hard time taking in much because just from the first page I read it becomes clear that I am in a situation like that now with my mother, and it's my own )(&(*&^%$ fault and I've been so weak and needy that I got into it and painted myself into a corner. And how dare I even say this? Okay, that is still more incentive to work on getting myself out of the mess I've made of my life. I just knew it was a mess, well it's still a mess but now it has a name. Sorry I'm not making sense here. Shock. Sometimes I hate being me.

 

[The Albatross]

I am ultra cautious when considering subscribing motives to other people's behavior. I don't see how, malevolent or not, any of what I went through with the abusers is or would be assistive. Your T though apparently does, I wonder if she would explain it?

 

[Hope4future]

@The Albatross Can you explain more what you mean by assistive? I like the question, but I want to make sure I understand it better before I answer.

 

[The Albatross]

"Assistive" as in ... um... "what benefit is it personally to me what the intent of the abuser's was moving forward"?

 

[The Albatross]

I guess... if the awareness is beneficial in the longer term that is one thing. But if the idea/awareness of malevolent abuse is not beneficial in the longer term to the personality ... if is not assistive... what is the therapeutic angle then? Wondering more about the description and the measuring stick used as well as why the idea would be beneficial.

 

[Hope4future]

Good questions that I'm not certain I can answer right now. Anyone else have any ideas?

Personally, I think the distinction comes out of recent memories that show a level of deliberate malice. Putting a name on it helps to make something incomprehensible a little more understandable. It also makes looking for the faults in me a little more difficult. However, at some level I'm not sure how much it matters because damage is done regardless of motive and healing will be the journey we all have to take to reclaim ourselves.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@The Albatross Words and labels - english is not the best language for nuance. 30 words for different kinds of snow. Figuring out intent is a waste of time giving the energy you have to sorting the abuser intent. What a waste - as though it would make it all be different. Taking it personally. Why do we do that? Why process their intent, instead of our healing from their abuse. They made use feel small, so we from our subsistence state try to make sense of what happened to us. Rebuild the self and don't give a F***K about the what or the why of the monster's behavior.