I Don't Do Anger, But I Do Crabby Very Well

[Chava]

The sunshine is pissing me off because I feel like the universe is trying to manipulate my feelings and make me happy. :shifty: Screwed up, huh? It's too much pressure. I'm holding up in the dark garage.

So I won't whine about being unhappy because (hopefully) this is part of my process. I don't do anger well and never could (just had to bash by own bones with tools, cut, or other forms of self injury). But I don't pretend to be falsely chipper...ever. I actually wish I could. I maintain neutral okay where appropriate, like with people I work with. And sometimes a good sense of humor. But I wonder if this episode of crabby is a low-pitch version of anger that I can manage. ???

Also, I need to feel okay on my own terms. I'm hyper-sensitive to feeling like anyone is trying to manipulate my feelings (to the point that I likely come across as quite unapproachable, which I do regret) ...this happened in a couple traumatic situations or leading up to them...the sort of manipulating that felt like it invalidated my reality...trying to make me feel good so someone could trick me, or so someone could relieve their guilt or make my feelings match their own selfish needs. The human manipulation connected to the traumas likely have some effect I don't totally understand yet but probably connected to my bitchiness and avoidance of people. I have an especially strong aversion to middle-aged guys making an effort to get any positive reaction out of me, like even eye contact or a little smile. I totally quit going to my favorite grocery store for a couple years because of one of these types. Friendly and harmless but felt...slimy...

So, I'm crabby and nobody can change that. I sort of like it. Feels like I can be me.

:grumpy: Nobody is getting a hug from me. And f*ck you sunshine. But thanks for reading my heap of verbal :poop:

 

[Hope4Now]

Go crabby! Be yourself! ALL parts are welcome!

 

[Chava]

I took three muscles relaxants about five hours ago and I'm still wide awake. I think I'm actually fully "angry" in my body but managing pretty well. Should sleep sometime soon (usually muscle relaxants kick my ass).

:blackeye::wacky::shifty::singing:

 

[Born to Run]

I am a bit confused about what it is you would like to discuss. You write more diary like, it seems to me, and I see no questions or pointers from your side. Would you maybe benefit from starting a diary, as then there is no implicit expectation of people responding? When you post under discussion, it implicates you invite people to respond. I just feel sorry when I see there are very few responses to a post, that was my motivation to write this.

 

[Hope4Now]

(usually muscle relaxants kick my ass).

Just curious and wondering if pain is related to anger at all? Chronic pain is a way of "feeling" overwhelming emotion, from what I understand. Wondering if the muscle relaxants shut down the anger? I don't know if that makes sense. I am working with a Pdoc who talks about how necessary it is to communicate with all the parts of yourself regarding medications...to make sure all parts are willing and open to it, and that meds are a way of assisting communication, not shutting the hurt or angry or sad parts down.

 

[Chava]

I am a bit confused about what it is you would like to discuss. You write more diary like, it seems to me, and I see no questions or pointers from your side.

Okay, yes I can see this. I don't create discussion well. I take my unapproachability wherever I go, even onto the internet. This is diary-ish, but no I don't want a trauma diary. Not sure what I was asking or saying. Maybe others relate? I am not bothered by number of responses because isolating myself seems to be my thing. doesn't phase me much. But thank you because on some level I do really appreciate being seen and heard and finding little ways to connect with others, however badly....

Just curious and wondering if pain is related to anger at all? Chronic pain is a way of "feeling" overwhelming emotion, from what I understand. Wondering if the muscle relaxants shut down the anger?

Yes, muscle relaxants shut stuff down along with the pain. It's probably not ideal, but there is a tipping point I can't tolerate. Yesterday would have been tipping towards angry-self-destructive-panic energy at some point. I want to be able to do low levels of anger if helpful. My meds don't assist in communication at all...why they are all wrong on some level...just managing pain. Thanks @Hope4Now for your thoughts on this.

My arm is totally f*cked up today, like it's hanging from my body by one beat up ligament. I'm not as crabby. But I'm waiting to find a polite way to back out a social gathering that I do NOT want to go to. I can't do new people today. Just can't.

 

[Born to Run]

Sure, I understand, it is your way of coping. Take care crabby.

 

[Chava]

Thanks again.

I did write a post about depression a while ago and if trauma therapy actually helps this. One person replied. So I do find some people engage others better with posts, or that it's often easier to respond to shorter, lighter, or straight-forward posts (unfortunately not my style), so appreciate the time to wade through my muddy posts. I ramble.

I declined little party invite and feel kind of bad. But I think I'm pretty stressed about seeing a new doctor next week and therapist has been gone for a couple weeks. I can handle stress when like this, but not novel social situations. I just make it worse for myself because I won't want to talk to anyone and don't want them to read that I'm struggling to even be there. Not a good day for introductions. So stress = crabby lately and isolating myself...have been waiting for this appointment for months and it is either going to be a new path or a dead end because it's the last in a line of referrals for pain.

 

[Hope4Now]

My arm is totally f*cked up today, like it's hanging from my body by one beat up ligament. I'm not as crabby. But I'm waiting to find a polite way to back out a social gathering that I do NOT want to go to. I can't do new people today. Just can't.

What part of you says you have to be polite? Screw it. Take care of your needs, dear Chava. That is something that is so hard for us to accept/do. I know that. But like mindfulness, it's a practice. Talk to your parts if you can...what part is telling you you have to be polite? What is it afraid will happen if you cancel? What part(s) are saying you can't do people today? What do they need from you? Are they needing your undivided deep self attention? Or are they afraid for some reason...

I know this all sounds crazy. It is...the functional parts of me are constantly tormenting me for "talking" and "communicating" with parts. But it actually works. It has taken a LOT of practice...but it works. I was telling another forum friend that even Advil works sometimes for me if I can get all my parts to agree to it's helpfulness. It takes a lot of focus and energy, but it is rather amazing when it works. I couldn't manage it today...I have a really f-ked up left arm/shoulder/neck that's half numb half excruciating and woke me at 5 AM and ended up in a kind of multi-sensory flashback. Ewww. Took advil. It did NOTHING because I couldn't seem to connect with my parts because I was IN one. :wacky:.

My meds don't assist in communication at all...why they are all wrong on some level...just managing pain. Thanks [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/24896/"]@Hope4Now[/DLMURL] for your thoughts on this.

If you're inclined, there's a preview on amazon of a chapter from a psychiatrist who works with meds/trauma. He's the one that talks about meds and parts. Click the look inside, then table of contents, then chapter 7 "Who's Taking What?" Dead Link Removed

 

[Chava]

I just can't do people today. I want this to change at some point. But I can't do it today.

Sorry about your arm. I've trapped nerves before and that's some real hell.

My crabby self doesn't want to be shut up but needs my help chilling out because it's too much by myself and it's way too much to be around others so I have to find some kind of workable compromise. Probably more muscle relaxants tonight. Lots of spasming and pain.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm glad for you that you opted out of the social situation.
Maybe the part that feels bad about it can give you a little space and acknowledge that your other parts need your attention right now.

This is a pretty interesting article I just stumbled on. Link Removed

 

[Chava]

Thanks for the link. It gets so screwy because I do have some structural issues, but the pain is out of proportion. I want new doctor to not treat me like a mental case, though I understand their is also a stress component. My GP is pretty good about understanding pain is complex, and even when strongly psych-related, the physical pain is real.

The brain connection is very interesting because in some ways, these are like different languages, trying to say the same thing in different ways. My worst trauma was very, very early. So it doesn't surprise me I'm stuck with more somatic complaints than typical visual flashbacks. But also, even aside from the trauma, I come from a highly somaticizing culture (emotional "feelings" become physical "feelings" very easily....it's much more appropriate to complain about your physical pain than your emotional pain...obvious how "feelings" and "pain" are interchangeable for psych and physical reality). It's really hard to dig my way out of this. I need to figure out how I can keep paying for my body-psychotherapy (SE, etc). It really is like totally recoding everything and learning new language.

Thanks for hanging with me @Hope4Now