Should I Tell Him

[Upside Down Eagle]

So I have a mundane question for you guys. In some ways, it's related to PTSD, and in some ways, more to grief and rejection (but hey, those tie into each other nicely).

The story is very long so I don't know quite how to begin, but let's say that four years ago, I dated this guy (let's call him M) for two months. Then we broke up. But I never quite got over him. I kept trying to communicate with him, to see him. He would always reply, but always in an evasive manner.

He's not a a-hole, and told me in all honesty several times that he thought the "friend-thing" wouldn't work out, because I was very scared of "losing him" as a friend, it was a big deal for me. I would feel horrible if he canceled on seeing me, didn't wish me a happy birthday, didn't call me.

So I got over that. I stopped emailing him. I even stopped caring, for the most part. As long as he's not in the picture, and I am not aware of his existence, I'm fine. Then last year I walked into him on the street, unplanned. There was so much pain in my heart I felt like collapsing on the spot. I couldn't even talk.

I still have him on Facebook, though, but I had put him on this "restricted" list because I did not want him to see my posts. I got him off the restricted list a while ago, because I thought I was "over it". Then he liked some post of me yesterday and I dreamed about him the whole night (damn brain).

In the years that he couldn't be bothered about me, I always wanted him to like me, and to appreciate me. But now, his "like" and his approval of the things I do, bewilder me even more. Now I feel the opposite: I don't want him to like me. The very idea hurts. After all the shit I went through.

Now I am wondering if I should finally tell him the truth. I never did. I love the freaking guy, too much than is even healthy for me. But there is no way we could be together -we're too different -and I don't want to be friends with him either, because it hurts too much. So in a way, I wouldn't lose anything if I did tell him.

Maybe telling him would bring me closure. I don't know.
I would like your opinion, if you made it through all this text :happy:

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I think if it would bring you healing and closure, expecting nothing in return, then you should strongly consider it. But if it will bring you pain or added anxiety, then I don't think it is worth it. Maybe you should consider starting by writing him a letter, let it all out what you think you would like to share. Leave it for a day or two, then go back and reread it. See how you feel then about sharing with him. I believe in trusting your instincts.

 

[Seasounds]

Of course, i understand your situation. I've always found it better to make a clean break, even with Facebook.

In therapy, with good friends, or in journaling, I'd work through my feelings, separate from him, to find closure.

 

[Anarchy]

I know that feeling. I'm not sure that I know the way out of it.

Back when I was at school, I had some pretty good success with mindfulness techniques that I'd picked up out of a crappy martial arts book. Using them as a way to recognize and stop the ruminative thinking.

I've had the feelings transfer too. I'd been trying to patch up a 3 1/2 year relationship that had reached the stage of on again- off again, interspersed with blazing rows and tears (she was later diagnosed with thyroid problems, and I was pretty symptomatic too). The last evening of that relationship she was particularly stroppy, and I met someone else the next day that I wanted to be friends with.

She (R) wanted more and had me hooked by the end of the week. That lasted all of about 3 months, half of it with her pulling away from me. My feelings had completely transferred onto her, even if the length and intensity of the relationship didn't warrant them. For the next two years she would give hints that she wanted to be together again, then she didn't... (since I've learned about trauma, I think I can see where she was coming from).

I had a little ceremony burning a music tape that reminded me of her, because I cried when I listened to it. I'd forgotten about mindfulness by then, so lots of ruminative thoughts and lots of torturing myself with idealized versions of her. I did learn to fly in those two years, and did lots of other things which sometimes felt very hollow without someone to share it with.

About the time I was finally getting my mind free of imaginary versions of R, I got into a relationship that probably would have turned into a marriage - my withdrawing, isolating and some other crap killed it off before it got there (she took my withdrawing as proof that I loved R more than I loved her...).

She was very much of the "it's over, don't call me" school of thought.

By a stroke of luck, I located her a few years back, and sent her a card to say "hi". She never replied and made the profile that I'd found her through, private. Her parents have since moved into a house that theoretically is next door to the bouncy castle (small world!) but it's about 15km by road to drive to it. Last summer would have been our 20th anniversary, and I seriously thought about trying to contact her again and I even got the butterflies in my stomach. In the end, whether through negative thinking and avoiding pain, or through good sense, I didn't.


Back to you Radise,
Without trying to guess how the guy will take receiving a letter

How would you react to;
silence?
Rejection?
or half hearted friendship and perhaps a little more that doesn't last?

if the answer is "badly"
how about writing out what you feel and burning it or burying it? as a sort of ceremonial closure.

There is a lovely woman who my ex is friends with, who took the guy she was breaking up with to Prague, as a sort of nice note to end the relationship on.

Hugs:hug::hug::hug::hug:
A

 

[Anrish]

I think the idea with the letter from shrinkingviolet is a very good point to start.

And maybe there are relationships between humen which are not friendship and not a lovey-dovey pair - maybe something in between. Something unique, only fitting for the two persons who share it. ...and maybe open up towards him will not only reveal new parts of you for him - but maybe also new parts of him to you - depending on his reaction.

You can only move on, go to the next level - or in worst case remain where you are. But at least, you will be at ease because you told him and don't continue wondering whether to tell him or not. Just that the thought appears in your mind that you think about telling him, happens for a reason. It shows that you trust him - and I do not want to push you...but I assume that it might be better to tell him and see what happens. ...and no matter how he will react, we're here for you. :hug:

 

[Anarchy]

@Anrish , you are coming from a far more positive frame of reference than I was. Negative assumptions to deal with at my end...

 

[Anrish]

@Anarchy: Do not worry about your negative assumptions or so. You wrote what you experienced and it's a part of you.

Reading your post really moved me. I was never that much in love with a person as you seem to be with R. Even if it hurts, emotions going so deep are something special - to hold dear even if it's just in a hidden corner of one's heart.

I just stopped caring about definitions like "friendship", "pair"...whatsoever. As long as I can handle it, it's okay for me...and the rest doesn't matter.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thanks for your reactions :happy:

I think if it would bring you healing and closure, expecting nothing in return

I expect nothing in return. We can't quite be friends, because it would hurt too much. We can't be in a relationship either, we quit four years ago based on some good reasons. I have absolutely nothing to lose (except the possibility that he might not talk to me again -which isn't very frequent now either) or the possibility that it might "get better down the road". Which, in the current situation, would require years.

He tried to make a "clean break" with me four years ago, four months after the break up. He called me and told me he thought we shouldn't talk to each other again. But I couldn't be okay with that -I continued talking to him, through the mail, and we've continued being online friends. He seems to have accepted the fact that I did not want to let go, and he seems to be fine with it.

stop the ruminative thinking

Thankfully, I am past the phase with the ruminative thinking, Anarchy :) I don't do that anymore. But apparently my brain still thinks it's necessary to dream about him the entire night, even after something as silly as a "Facebook like". It kind of freaked me out. Every time I have myself thinking that I am over him, secretly I'm not.

I have a CD of his. He sings on it. I never listen to it, because it would break me a little bit more. He has this horribly, sensitive voice. I prefer to think of him as an asshole even though he isn't. Makes it easier on the heart.

and maybe open up towards him will not only reveal new parts of you for him - but maybe also new parts of him to you - depending on his reaction.

I don't want to scare him. After our relationship, he asked me if I still loved him. I said no. I thought I was being honest, as I had moved on (was with a different guy, who was really great). But even with the really great guy, I was thinking about M. all the time. After that, I decided never to bring it up, the fact that I did still love him. I thought it would be easier for him.

If I were to tell him now, I would be doing so to explain the situation. And to explain why I'm pushing him away, and why I couldn't handle our little encounter on the street. And also to finally be honest with him. But I am a bit scared of being totally cheesy, or kinda pathetic and hopeless, like I have felt for him in the past (although I don't feel that way anymore).

I also think you had a positive outlook, I am with Anarchy in the sense that I tend to think in negative as well. Thanks! :hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

I think you need closure. I doubt that anything will work between you two. SO how can you end it so that it is over for you? It is my opinion that is what you need.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It's kinda already "over". We don't really speak to each other, we don't see each other in real life. The only times when we spoke this year and last, were once to discuss his music, and twice for each of our birthdays.

Telling him how I feel wouldn't change much in terms of the situation. It would only make a lot of things make more sense, like how weird it is when we walk into each other. I think maybe it could give us closure, because we've been awkward and ambiguous with each other during the four years since the break up. But I don't intend for us to "become" anything, even friends. It would be more like an "ending", to actually tell him.

Or I just need to move on from here, put him on the restricted list again (which I already did -kicking him off Facebook for this seems too dramatic, and I don't want to go dramatic on him). And then pretend like he doesn't exist. It has worked more or less well so far.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you with cutting him loose. You deserve so much better. I understand the pain, and in time you will heal from this painful loss.

 

[Friday]

I wonder if you actually love him... Or the idea of him? If he's come to personify bigger things, he's not really a person. He's the impossible standard for anyone to live up to. Even himself.