@Cinnamon4z I was abused since I can remember, physically and emotionally. My father was very cold and agressive but especially my sister did very worse things, I think she is narcissistic and also has borderline. My mother closed her eyes for this all. She could be sweet but was depressed many times and not available. I felt really alone, and isolated. There didn't come many people and my family lives far away in Germany. So there wasn't anyone else for me to help me. The few family we did see pushed me away. I've been pushed away a lot of times and rejected. That's what I'm really afraid of now: Being rejected. I have this core believe that I am a bad person, capable of nothing, that everyone else is better then me and that I'm not good enough: I will always be less and rejected. My sister told me that I had to die and threatened me a lot of times with a knife to kill me, so I was afraid at night that she would kill me. There was constant fighting in my home and constant danger: when everything seemed 'good' a bom could burst: My father or sister could suddenly lash out. (I think this is the borderline too?) They treated each other without respect. I'm a very sensitive person. And my biggest fear now is to make mistakes (have learned that I"m worth nothing if I don't get high grades etc) and I'm always afraid to hurt people in my job by accident.
Happy memories that I have, I think when I was away from home with my friends. I had a best friend where I played. I liked playing outside in the woods. So nowadays I walk a lot in the woods. There was no one to comfort me sadly enough, no one knew how it was at home. I didn't really have a safe place in my 'home'. I do love warmth and soft things like pillows and blankets so I have a lot of them at home now and always ly under two soft blankets with something warm. And I also have my old teddy from then. And I used to draw a lot but after a while I couldn't anymore because I had this stern voice in my head that kept rejecting everything I drew, it wasn't good enough and stupid. So I didn't like it anymore.
My therapist said that if this stern, awful voice (which I think is my father and sister) is very heavy in my head my child is frightened and hides away. And the last days it's very strong... I still don't notice this immediately... Does anyone recognise that? That they can't connect to their child when they have this punishing voice in their head? I still have this nagging feeling that I need to be punished because I'm a bad person. It's such a difficult pattern to get out from. Does anyone recognize this also?
@Born to Run wow Switzerland must be beautiful! Your therapy sounds good! I'm reading a lot about ego and superego. I have this punishing voice in my head which reminds me of the superego. Is your superego still very strong? Is it maybe stronger when you're at home and that's why you can't reach your child?? (I dont know?) My healthy adult isn't really there, I find that very difficult. I notice that I'm in the child role most of the day, so it seems to be. I lose my sense of the now and live in the past and project my fears on people in the now. And that is so difficult, it feels like a suffocating prison. And the worsed thing is that it feels so REAL. Maybe it isn't real life at this moment but most of the time I can't see that... I hope I'll eventually learn that... I takes so long sadly enough.... I'm practicing mindfulness now and meditation. To get more focused on the now.
How do you know that all the pain is out now? I keep thinking that with myself and then there comes another layer I didn't know was there....
