Sexual Assault Silence

[Powder]

T&J were told by one of their kids about the abuse when it occurred. They kicked out the abusive man G. and his complicit and also abusive adult daughter T. They did NOT speak of it to anyone. They treated it as a family secret, and swept it under the rug and ran away across the country.

So they don't want it in the open. They've hidden it, probably because they feel stupid and responsible for housing an ex-con and his weirdly intimate adult daughter. G.'s arrest history was known. G. claimed it was someone trying to hurt him. (Of course.) And they bought it.

I think they feel awful about what happened, just really upset and disturbed that they made the mistake of a lifetime. They are very loving people, but not very aware or discerning.

They never told my parents, but my parents speculated about the kick out at the time, followed by the sudden cross-country move, which was unexplained, and which was accompanied by depression on the father's part (he had failed to protect his children). T's depression has been talked about, but in vague terms, by the wife/mother J. to my mother and then related to me prior to my coming to terms with my abuses.

So they "know" about G. and his daughter; they don't know about my father being part of G's life as a fellow child abuser/fellow pedophile. I don't think it would matter to T&J if my father didn't actually abuse their kids and was only an incest abuser, and co-abuser with G. The point is that he colluded and was aware of G's exploits and LET them be bait the whole time. He even gave G. money and argued with the pastor of their church (all of them went to the same church) to keep G. in even though most people didn't want a convicted pedophile in their town or church.

If T&J knew that T's long time friend, my father, was complicit, used his money and influence to get T&J to house the abusers, and used his wealth to pressure the pastor into allowing them to attend the church...if they knew he was also a pedophile, I'm not sure if T. would survive the level of depression from the pattern of betrayal. He might think every man he'd ever known is actually a pedophile or that he attracts them (which might actually be true!) It's crazy making for me to think about and think I could possibly comprehend what T&J might feel/think. That's not my job. I just don't want to make things worse.

Just thinking about telling them gave me a huge flashback today. I'm still shaking. So here it's been 4 years and I'm still totally chicken shit about this issue. I told one of their daughters and left it up to her what to tell them. I feel like checking with the other one, my oldest friend, but she's also so fragile, practically a recluse. I don't feel close enough to them to predict or know if I'm hurting or helping. I feel torn.

 

[Powder]

The rapist is still alive? Is he still a threat to others? That seems like an important consideration.

And the other children you speak of? Are they aware of what happened and who the perpetrator was? And they've never spoken up, any of them?

Good questions. I hope I got to them above. My father may only have been incestuously pedophilic. I am not aware of other victims, but I reported it anyway.

My sister is fully aware that someone close to her repeatedly abused her, and she has told me of how she created a "self" for him to abuse that she "took out for the abuse" and then "locked in the box." She wouldn't have needed to create an alter if her father didn't abuse and torture her. But he did, and she's 37 and still in denial. She continues to lie to herself, as I did, to keep the relationship, because she feels powerless, afraid, and helpless. We have had Stockholm syndrome, in my opinion. There was so much physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual torture, on top of which, deaths of important safe relatives, and being taken away out of the country. We felt stripped of our power.

This was all intentional. We were isolated from the world, kept away, not allowed to talk to others. We were limited to social interactions within the tiny church they controlled with their money and influence, and that church changed and eventually moved overseas. Wherever we were, they had power over the social group, and our relationships were constantly watched, under their surveillance. They even tried to select mates for us who they had under their thumb and could control.

It is like a sick cult, the family. I escaped and my two siblings, who were abused, did not.

 

[scout86]

just really upset and disturbed that they made the mistake of a lifetime.

I was sitting here wondering which was their biggest mistake, trusting the guy or covering things up.

This is a HARD topic. At least I think it is. I've got a situation of my own, similar, but less dramatic, where I'm debating what to do and how to do it.

You reported your father to the authorities and nothing was done? That's too bad! I imagine it was hard to do and caused a lot of problems for you. These neighbors had already moved by then? Is it that you want the old NEIGHBORS to know about your father? Because, so far, they think he's an ok human being? If you told them, what would you be hoping for for a result?

As far as secrecy goes, mostly I wonder who it helps?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I wish you wisdom in your choice of what to do. It is a very difficult situation. If I was in your shoes, I would tell. No matter what the consequences because at least I could live with myself.

 

[Powder]

Another memory of G. and my dad surfaced in a dream just now. They recorded me naked 'running a race' in place that I couldn't finish, and I felt like a failure. I felt like they captured my humiliation.

I believe that this was just part of what they took photos of or recorded. But I can't remember more than that now.

Whenever I'm having my photo taken, my whole life, I feel deep flashbacks of shame. My sister, also, cried a lot and is still afraid (negative facial stress expressions) and worried about things with photos. My brother liked Donny Darko, the scenes of a pedo taking video of the kids. My brother's then favorite movie.

I think my dad used the video on him and then had it conveniently 'stolen.'

Photos is the kind of thing I, as a mom, feel like someday I will want of my kids, but I don't have many because of the triggers. I can use my phone, because that somehow feels different than a camera. So I do that.

This is what I'd want to do EMDR for, so that I can hopefully not be so triggered my this memory, but you need a memory first. Now I have at least this one small dream/memory.

I will tell them, if I can, soon.

Thank you all for your responses.

 

[Powder]

Obviously, I can't remember all what happened in that incident that I'm dreaming about. I "know" that G. and my dad took photos of me in abusive ways, but the memories are too fuzzy. The emotions too shame-y and blocked out. I felt so powerless.

My dad judged my "performance" and I was always "not good enough" and a failure.

Now I see why it was so important to me to race be a runner, and 'finish' every race. I live for my husband's praise, which he is generous with, but now I see where this early feeling comes from.

My A- was never an A. Nothing was ever good enough for my parents. I'm actually super proud of how far I've already progressed in losing my perfectionistic 'inner critic' but there is still a lot to go. It's not good to have unconscious self-criticism always in the veins, controlling me from the wings. I need to be empowered to be in control of my thoughts and feelings, and to self-approve and validate. This is very hard when I recall this time period of my life. My childhood.

 

[Powder]

I sent an email to my oldest friend, the oldest daughter. I asked her what to do, if I should tell her parents, or if she should. Just telling her is a weight off. I don't think she'll know how to respond. I don't expect anything. I hope for the best. For some kind of validation.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Oh, @Muse :hug:

Not sure what else to say, but my heart goes out to you in this! I hope you are able to discern the when/where/why/how details, and in a way that will help with YOUR peace! of heart and mind AND body :hug:

~S2B

 

[scout86]

My dad judged my "performance" and I was always "not good enough" and a failure.

I am SO angry at your father! He doesn't GET a vote IMO. I can't find the words to describe him, but he's not worthy of passing judgement on you. He's just NOT!

I sent an email to my oldest friend, the oldest daughter.

I think that was a great idea. You never know, she might need the validation and support as much as you do. I hope "GOOD" comes of your email to her.

 

[mzander]

I totally agree with you.

Present Tense

As a parent, if someone is raping my child, I hold the person who knows & doesn't tell me equally responsible. Period. It may not be fair, and I don't give a damn.

That's not a decision other people get to make......

 

[Casey_03]

@Muse I feel so sad that you have to go through this and wish I could hug you and reassure you that humanity is not so bad and there is hope. Please know that you are incredibly strong to have survived all of this. It may not seem like it, but you are so much stronger than your abusers and you always will be. Please keep that in mind, hold on to it, own it.

 

[Powder]

I'm hoping I worded it well enough for my oldest friend to grasp the situation, specifically, what I needed her to know about who I am, a little of what I lived through, and how it affects me now.

Regarding some people's thoughts above, there is nobody in the dark on their kids' abuse that anyone is aware of. Rather, my father was a co-rapist of me with the man, G. who molested my friends and lived with them. That family is well aware of G as their children's molester. They are NOT aware that their friend, my father, is an incest and gang rapist, child porn creator, sick son of a bitch faker. My father is a "big shot" who runs churches that they went to. They know my father as a wealthy medical professional and Christian missionary. They know my parents as good people, because my parents were nice to them.

I'm breaking the silence and telling them that their friends are not who they think they are. Period.

This friend, R. is special to me, even though we drifted apart after a time when my sister and I were molested/groomed at her house along with her and her sister, us four girls, by G. and his adult daughter.

From that time forward, R. strayed a bit from me, and then wandered back. I want to ask R. about that time period, why she left me for a while, and see what she thinks. But I'm terrified of upsetting the apple cart, or even revisiting that time period in conversation with someone because I WILL have flashbacks, and sometimes, I'm scary when I start having them. I scream and can't breath and so on. These usually only happen at home. When I start having fb's I head for home, so in public, I tend to have "panic attacks" only and go to my car.

R. had a hard time in high school, and her parents T&J, invited me to go live with them for one school year in our 10th grade year. I was unhappy at home and thrilled to escape, even for a year. I wanted to leave home in kindergarten. My parents decided not to allow me to go, even though both I and R. really wanted it and her mental health would have benefited.

She was my maid of honor in my wedding. If she doesn't respond, I won't read too much into it, because I don't know what I'm poking. She may have been abused by G. more than I am aware. She may even have PTSD from it.

What I think is that my father never abused any kids outside our family, but I can't be sure. Since those kids have shown trust to my parents, my guess is that they were not harmed.

My fear is that my parents were so nice to them that they won't believe me.