I Have No One To Share....

[J_trustno1]

My feelings, emotions, have intellectual or even stupid talks with. I feel that I am driving people away from real life and this forum. It may sound depressive ruminations but my emotions and feelings are real even if my thoughts are negative and unreal.

I went to this volunteering over the weekend and was treated like a doormat by couple of girls there. It made me have lots of thoughts and made me think if it was because of my skin color , my appearance or my intelligence. It took me couple of days to cool down and realise that they were just shit people with shit personalities and I can't keep going on to mix with them and try pleasing them. It's their problem not mine.

However the major worry I have is being left single, alone and miserable for the rest of my life. My friends (even younger than me) are now in relationships but me. Then girls from work are in relationships but me. Any guy I find attractive turns out to be married, engaged , in a committed relationship or is unavailable for a relationship or out of my league. Now I am starting to realise that my mum's brother's words are coming true for me. He told me that I'm either going to be "a nun or a nymph ". I don't think that I will ever reach that nymph part because that is not who I am BUT he was right about me becoming a "nun"/celibate for the rest of my life.

I always keep asking myself if I am just not worthy enough to have anyone to share my life with. I know that most here will tell me that, "you gotta be happy with yourself before you try being happy with someone ", yeah right!! Tell me something I don't know. I have been dumped and now I don't think anything will ever happen :cry: :( :depressed:

 

[Ghostybear73]

I think this is the PTSD talking, you are worth it and I know it sounds cliche, but one day the right one will come around. I know you also don't want to hear it, but I have to say it anyways; you are still working on you, keep working on you and don't worry about what others think (easier said than done, i know).

I'm here if you ever want to talk :D

Ghosty

 

[Freedomfighter]

I usually don't try to judge, but younger people often feel that way. I am pretty sure my son is one of them too. When younger people leave the parental relationship they often try to find something right away to make up for the mom and dad that used to take care of them. Believe me that is a very very dangerous phase that a lot of young people go through. That is why so many women who are actually still little girls get married to someone just like dad or why young men who are still just little boys get married to someone that is like their mom.

I went from a patriarch abuser right on to my spouse abuser. I am pretty sure I was way too young then to really realize what I stumbled into before it was way too late.

When a younger person has not found out yet what he or she really wants to do with life they may also be trying to make up for that by getting that in a relationship, getting the respect from someone else that they themselves do not even have for themselves. Getting the love while they young person does not even love himself or herself. As I said, the young adult age before real maturation sets in is indeed a very dangerous age and many many people make their most horrific mistakes during that phase of life.
Parents often do not understand that either because the way they were raised, females were expected to see a meaning in life by pursuing marriage and motherhood, that was it. And that is the way it used to be.

I say that you are also growing up in a society that is soo much tougher than it was 20 years ago. People have changed out there, and the rudeness and viciousness out there is sickening and younger people have to really watch out for themselves. I always preach that to my son until he is sick of it. Learning about my new career field of criminal justice I can only say: there are no more vicious beasts out there then the ones on two legs. Be careful, be very careful.

You have to be really honest to yourself here: do you just want someone to beat loneliness or are you actually still trying to find yourself? Because if you decide to pursue the love of another to "heal"your own troubles you will most likely end up with an abuser. Because that is what happens to a lot of younger females: they want to be accepted, loved and often have had troubles in the past: Well, guess what? There are many many abusers out there who are looking for just such prey.

I would hate for you to become such prey. And I always think about my young son, hoping he does not make that mistake either.

 

[anonymous]

Until you develop....

A) Some sort of emotional skin
~and~
B) Self-esteem

you will forever see the world as evil and yourself as a victim.

The choice is yours. The power is yours.

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm 27. I get guys twice as my age looking at me and that makes me feel sick and unwanted by someone of my own age :(

 

[joeylittle]

@J_trustno1, it leads you to think you are unwanted and that thought leads you to sadness.

But can you step back from the sadness and just look at the thought? You are leaping from older men looking at you to no-one your age wanting you. I swear to you, if you could just change your inner script from seeing that things "make you feel" and instead do "I am having the thought that", and learn how to separate emotion from thought - you would get some real relief.

I have these thoughts you describe all the time. All the time. I have to fight hard to keep them from mindlessly converting to horrible suffering feelings. It's a battle. But the more you fight it, the easier it does get.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @joeylittle. All these thoughts made me cry while I was writing this thread. I feel ashamed that I am reaching my 30s and been dumped thrice (twice internet and once real life) and each time it was hurting like hell. I keep thinking that there must be something wrong that no guy came for me. I am seeing my friends having lovers and guys going for them while I have never had anyone approaching me let alone appreciating me for me. I was the one always making effort in these relationships and I was the one who was dumped.

Yet I get told that I am attractive /pretty, honest, dedicated, hardworking, intellectual ,soft person, high achiever, and have a good personality. If I were that good then why was I repeatedly dumped and still single??

Now all of that had me questioning my abilities, my flaws, my drawbacks. I keep "thinking" that there must be something wrong with me and each time I think this my eyes automatically fill with tears :(.

 

[Tanishq]

Jess, that anonymous poster handed you to the key to overcome victim mentality. I understand that you misread and you have tendencies to do so. It's about choices, you have to make choice. It will take time to act upon it. Yes, you need to make the positive choices to make positive deeds.

The way you responded to them(anonymous), you did exact opposite of it. You chose to be in victim mentality.

It's a key to get out of victim mentality. This came to me as well, months ago. It is working for me.

 

[Anarchy]

I'm 27. I get guys twice as my age looking at me and that makes me feel sick and unwanted by someone of my own age :(

Hi Jess,
you passed the point of being half my age a good few months ago (I'm not 54 yet).

Can I ask you to run through your mind the possible things that guys who are in and around their half century might be looking for?

do you think that range of things might be different to the range of things that guys around your own age look for? I can only speak for myself, and I'm looking for much the same qualities that I was looking for when I was in my late 20s, although I would like to think that I'm now a little bit better at spotting what I do like and at detecting the narcs, psychopaths, parasites and attention seekers that I deffinitely don't want.

I'm almost certain that you do not give off any indications of being "easy", and I think that guys my age who were looking for that, would, by now, know where to find "easy". It's very unlikely that you are being looked at with bad intent.

Once you've thought that through,

try to work out how you are coming up with the idea that being attractive to middle aged males would make you unattractive to your own age group?

I feel ashamed that I am reaching my 30s and been dumped thrice

For some of the people that I want to avoid getting involved with, 3 times, would probably count as an unfavourable start to a Friday evening.

a relationship ending doesn't usually feel good, but it isn't the end of your relationship career

@

 

[joeylittle]

Yet I get told that I am attractive /pretty, honest, dedicated, hardworking, intellectual ,soft person, high achiever, and have a good personality. If I were that good then why was I repeatedly dumped and still single??

You need to focus on accepting/taking in that first list of things.
And really, the "if I were that good then why?" question - that makes me want to turn it around and say, "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate you?" Also, there is never any usefulness is the "why did they" question. People do what they do. Focus on challenging yourself to listen to the things people tell you. Re-read that list.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Anarchy : You're absolutely right. I am not after any guys money, free feed or want a relationship for the sake of it. I want quality over quantity. My values and morals won't let me settle for someone who is not at my level of intellect, who doesn't have good values or morals. I want to be with someone who accepts me for me, respects and I want to return the same. I want equilibrium in my relationship. I feel that I was coming across as desperate when writing this thread and that was making me feel guilty. Whenever I see myself needy for a relationship, I tend to feel guilty and it just hurts my ego and self-respect.

I was at the bank today, and there was this guy who was trying to be over friendly with me. My mum has known him for over a year now and she knows that he's married so I knew he was married too. He also told me that he had family. However, he was still flirting and trying to hold me on for a long conversation without the actual need. He gave me his business card which he has never given to my mum and I doubt any other people there. I just hate it when I am being materialized by married guys. He was around my age but I don't want to be an option for someone or be someone's mistress. I'd rather live single than break into some other woman's family. I was just being neutral and normal to this guy. I am usually polite, friendly and honest with people so that's how I was with this guy. I am like this at work, gym and everywhere I go. But for some reason some guys think that if you speak nicely to them, that you are just all for them which is not true. It kinda made me sad that I am being viewed just as an object.

I am a very well qualified, ambitious, determined, dedicated to work and hardworking woman. I personally believe in treating others right because that is how I want to be treated and everyone deserves right treatment. I will never fall for a guy who has no respect for women because that's what my father was like and that's what most of the men in my family were like, so I am very picky on that trait because I don't want my future daughter to suffer from gender discrimination or myself to suffer from domestic violence like my mum did. It's just not for and that is why I held back till now. All the relationships I had were more platonic on my side because of my depression but guys were actually wanting more than that. Majority of young guys only want "sex" and that's all for them but for me it's more than just sex. I wouldn't have sex with a guy until marriage and until building emotional intimacy. I want to be able to relate to him at physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual level. By intellectual I don't mean to say that I am only going to date PhD guys, I am happy to go with any guy who is qualified and doesn't need to have a high degree than myself, but his mind and thinking needs to be at a deeper level because I am a deep thinker. I can't handle boring and dull people.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @joeylittle. People here give me so much insight to my thoughts and their comments do help me to calm down. I know that I have problem with my obsessive thoughts but I am trying to work at them. I know that I won't give up because I am a very determined person. I will keep trying until I make it and I will keep asking questions here even if I am turning other people off here, because that's the only way I learn. I love gaining insight and knowledge. Thanks once again Joey and everyone.