Childhood Who Am I?

[GWhizz]

@Simply Simon I guess the reason it matters whether they're biological or not is because I'd much prefer to know that the man who raped me from a young age was not related to me. That my mother who knowingly allowed it, really had no maternal connection to me. That my brother who also raped me isn't quite as connected to me as I thought.

I feel like I was sold out all my life. Sold for sex, forced to work jobs at a young age. And God knows why I ended up in the dysfunctional mess of a family I did. I know life is complicated. For everyone.

I can't approach my parents as they just abuse me more anytime I try to talk to them. They still tell me how I'm to blame for everything, for my brother's suicide etc. Being near them is too toxic to bear. They may have been the ones who raised me. But I believe I was raised alone because I had a core resilience that just about saw me out the other side of it. They'll never be family in any sense of the word. And I'm pretty sure the feelings are mutual.

It still doesn't stop the yearning for what I'll never have.

I do want to learn to develop and embrace my own identity. But having ptsd means that I find it really difficult to do the things I enjoy or that I'm good at. Sometimes I just feel like I'm on autopilot - I go to work, try to eat and get some sleep, be a mum and partner, meet people to save face. On the outside it looks good. But inside I'm not living at all. And not even knowing who I am or who I want to be, leads me back to feeling like giving up.

Uugh sorry to sound so depressing. I honestly don't even know how to feel about it. Disappointed is about the only word I can use to describe it. I feel quite numb and disconnected from it actually. Maybe that's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the utter confusion of it all.

I'm probably best off keeping it simple and just putting a lid on it. Talking to my T won't change any of it or even help me to understand it anymore.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Simply Simon I guess the reason it matters whether they're biological or not is because I'd much prefer to know that the man who raped me from a young age was not related to me. That my mother who knowingly allowed it, really had no maternal connection to me. That my brother who also raped me isn't quite as connected to me as I thought.

I understand this. Sibling incest here too.

I can't approach my parents as they just abuse me more anytime I try to talk to them. They still tell me how I'm to blame for everything, for my brother's suicide etc. Being near them is too toxic to bear.

It sounds so toxic, I'm applying an emotional oxygen mask as I read your suffering. I am so sorry.

But I believe I was raised alone because I had a core resilience that just about saw me out the other side of it. They'll never be family in any sense of the word. And I'm pretty sure the feelings are mutual.

This sounds like the truth. Not like, oh, you're not lying. I mean, this sounds like your very own extremely hard, anguished truth. I applaud your truth; I am sorry for your truth; I hear you.

It still doesn't stop the yearning for what I'll never have.

You are absolutely right.

I do want to learn to develop and embrace my own identity. But having ptsd means that I find it really difficult to do the things I enjoy or that I'm good at. Sometimes I just feel like I'm on autopilot - I go to work, try to eat and get some sleep, be a mum and partner, meet people to save face. On the outside it looks good. But inside I'm not living at all. And not even knowing who I am or who I want to be, leads me back to feeling like giving up.

I feel you on this. Having a shell of an identity is something I definitely deal with.

Uugh sorry to sound so depressing.

You don't sound depressing. This shit IS completely depressing. But it's the truth. I'm sorry you have such a depressing truth, but you don't have to apologize for voicing the truth in all its depressing glory.

I honestly don't even know how to feel about it. Disappointed is about the only word I can use to describe it. I feel quite numb and disconnected from it actually. Maybe that's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the utter confusion of it all.

I imagine it's a cocktail. I'm glad you're talking and sharing.

I'm probably best off keeping it simple and just putting a lid on it. Talking to my T won't change any of it or even help me to understand it anymore.

I think in the long term, this is fundamentally false and harmful. However, if you really can't deal with bringing this to the light with your T right now, I respect that you know what is best for you moment by moment.

Your truth totally blows. It's f*cked up, if you don't mind my saying so. But I'm glad you're sharing your truth. I'm hearing you. I feel for you. I wish you the best.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for the validation. I'm sorry you have been through so much too. It's so messed up I know. I'm just trying to be half-normal!

I don't even know how I could begin broaching this with my T. She knows minimal about me right now - keeps saying 'if you want to tell me what happened, you can', like it was one single event or something. I told her I wouldn't know where to begin and wouldn't have time to go through everything even if I wanted to. Then she said we can schedule a longer session some week if I like! I tend to just shut down into a mute state when I'm there anyway. Unless it's small talk. Anything serious is completely impossible to bring up.

I'm kinda afraid to tell her how bad I'm really feeling right now. But at the same time, she seems to think I'm managing quite well.

 

[Kintsugi]

Tell me if I'm threadjacking (or, at least, to an uncomfortable degree, because I think I probably am threadjacking), but this is interesting to me:

I don't even know how I could begin broaching this with my T. She knows minimal about me right now - keeps saying 'if you want to tell me what happened, you can', like it was one single event or something.

I feel like I'm been hearing this approach from Ts around the forum lately ("If you wanna talk about it, we can"). In our first session, my current (and still new) T asked me to list all of my symptoms, which took a while, and then she asked for the SparkNotes version of my traumas in bullet form. This may be because I've already had trauma therapy in the past? But I disclosed new trauma and trauma I had hidden from my last T. So, I dunno.

I hope you can safely communicate to your T that you are struggling. She may have some immediate grounding and self-care tools to offer, or maybe she could hop on helping you brainstorm new ones.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually @GWhizz I think it would help to be honest with your T (provided you trust them). However, I understand. :hug:

 

[GWhizz]

I don't think you're threadjacking at all @Simply Simon - I appreciate your input.

I had my session today - couldn't bring it up or tell her how badly I'm feeling. Talked about my trouble sleeping but again minimized it all.

I just don't know if it's a good idea to bring this up right now - not that I'm totally avoiding it. It'd just be a can of worms I think and digress from the more serious issues I need to tackle. I also don't feel I'll even be believed and a bad reaction to something like this would totally ruin my potential to build trust.