I Don't Exactly Have Ptsd

[Deleted member 29763]

But I'm the reason why certain people do have it.


Throughout my entire childhood, I was a mean son of a bitch. Specifically, a delinquent. I enjoyed endlessly bullying my peers emotionally and physically while stealing whatever goods they had.

Even worse, if I suspected someone found out about my crimes and was stupid enough to report it then I would frame them. It always succeeded, much to my chagrin today. I was pretty much a sadist.

Now that I'm a young adult I feel absolutely horrible about the fact that I did all these things. Even worse is that besides my victims nobody else knows about them. My family thought of me as some sort of angel when in reality, it was a facade. I was a crook. So what did I do in order to seek redemption? I decided I would try to be a hero!

Oh yeah, I was a hero all right. Whenever I tried to "help" someone it only caused that person harm. No matter how hard I tried to be a good person (or in this case a hero) I always f*cked up and became something of a bad luck charm or nightmare fuel towards my friends. Even so, I didn't stop. In fact, all I had to do was STOP and none of this would of happened. Yet I was so wrapped up in my hero delusion that I denied I was doing anything wrong. I had carried on in my quest to help people. And for what? It was obviously a failure. I was seeing only what I wanted to see – recognizing only the facts I desired to support my own version of reality – my own truth.

I've come to the conclusion that I just can't do anything right. Everyone I know is terrified of me. Hell, I even heard one old friend say "make sure he doesn't try anything." I mean really, what the f*ck is up with that? Nevertheless, I'm just a bad person. The world is my personal hell because I'm doomed to repeat the same f*cking mistakes over and over again and never change. I can't remember the last time I had done anything honorable. My talents lie elsewhere.

 

[Born to Run]

Children are not born a sadist. How were you treated in your childhood that could have made you develop this? It is a known psychological defense strategy that when people are hurt themselves, they can start acting out hurting others. I tend to believe that in the first place you were a victim to a perpetrator yourself, to become the perpetrator yourself later. Did you ever have therapy?

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Faustin, I believe that no child is bad. Those behaviors you must have learned them from someone. Maybe your, parents or primary caregivers, or someone else close to you. Children don't become delinquents or addicts because they had a great childhood and supportive family, they became this due to the lack of it. Checkout the adverse childhood experience study:
http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/

 

[scout86]

recognizing only the facts I desired to support my own version of reality – my own truth.

A lot of people do that. It's possible to learn to do differently.

I've come to the conclusion that I just can't do anything right.

That's a fairly common form of distorted thinking. In fact, the whole following paragraph contains a lot of distorted, inaccurate thoughts. Things are rarely all or none, black or white, never or always. CBT helps a lot with that sort of thing.

I can't remember the last time I had done anything honorable. My talents lie elsewhere.

"Talents" can be used in a lot of ways. Sometimes it take time and effort to find better ways of using them.

So, what are you looking for here?

 

[Deleted member 29763]

Children are not born a sadist. How were you treated in your childhood that could have made you develop this?...Did you ever have therapy?

To answer you and UniversalBeings question, yes. But it didn't quite help. My home life was shoddy. My parents were religious fanatics and I virtually wasn't allowed to do anything not involving Christantiy. Even so, my parents eventually reformed themselves. What's have I done?

 

[Deleted member 29763]

"Talents" can be used in a lot of ways. Sometimes it take time and effort to find better ways of using them. So, what are you looking for here?

I want to be good in something other than causing pain.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Faustin, I am glad your parents have reformed but that does not mean it didn't have an impact on you. You are on the right path acknowledging what does not work. You will need help of a therapist or counsellor to guide you through this.

 

[Born to Run]

I want to be good in something other than causing pain.

I think it is already quite an achievement to acknowledge and tell that you cause others pain. I would like you to focus not on "What have I done?", but "What have they done to me?" instead. Deep down you suffer yourself inside from someone hurting you in the past. There lies your answer. As UniversalBeing has mentioned, this would be best with a therapist.

 

[scout86]

yes. But it didn't quite help.

You mean therapy didn't quite help? Sometimes it's a matter of finding the right therapist. Did they give you some kind of diagnosis? It seems like people who really desire to change can generally manage to do it. It might be hard, it might take time, and the results are going to vary. But, from what I've heard, change is possible. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right plan of action.

 

[Seagreen]

For what reasons do you want to help other people?

 

[Deleted member 29763]

You mean therapy didn't quite help? Sometimes it's a matter of finding the right therapist. Did they give you some kind of diagnosis?

I was diagnosed with depression. I told that I had never actually carried out my sadistic fantasies, which I deeply regret lying about.

 

[Deleted member 29763]

For what reasons do you want to help other people?

It was some sort of attempt at redemption.