Is It A Flashback If You Know It's Happening?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Can you be aware that you're having a flashback when you're having a flashback? Does that make any sense? If there's a part of me that knows what is happening, am I just being dramatic by letting it happen? Does knowing I'm present in 2015 make it just a memory?

I keep having these moments when I "trance out" for lack of a better way to describe things. I can't breathe or control myself from crying and acting like the original abuse is happening. Eventually, I "wake up" shaking in a fetal position, suddenly having crashed back into reality. Sometimes I'm totally gone during these episodes. Other times I'm aware that I'm acting completely absurd to the fact that its 2015, but I can't stop or control myself.

Are these still flashbacks if I'm somewhat aware of my present surroundings? Or is it just a memory/intrusive thought? I'm trying to parse how often I'm actually having flashbacks and I guess I'm confused as to what actually counts.

 

[oasis2003]

I don't know the difference between flash backs or memories either. Mine are usually body sensations, like in my throat or stomach. It can make me totally dissociate or just have that uneasy, scared, hyper vigilant feeling. It is not actually a vision or even an intrusive thought. It can still lead to shaking and a full blown reaction though and then I don't know where or when I am if you get my drift when that happens. I usually stay in at home when I feel like this. It makes me really exhausted and takes a few days to recover.

So I am not really helping !!! When I have a full blown reaction I am not aware. When I get a small trigger I can ground myself and stay present. As to what a flash back is I'm not sure?!

Totally confused now:rolleyes:.

It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one this stuff happens to. Not that I would wish any of this on any one else though !!!:facepalm:

 

[Viosinger]

Your experiences sound SO familiar. Most of (what I describe as) flash-backs, some part of me deep inside was lucid and knew it wasn't real... But that never stopped the flashback, and I was always unable to communicate with anyone around me, winding up curled up and crying. The only thing I ever remember being able to say was crying "no" over and over again.

I can't speak to any strict definitions, but I've always described my experiences as flash-backs.

 

[Friday]

For me, memories I remember. Can be in full color vivid wonderful, awful, or mundane. Can be intrusive, set on repeat, seriously hard to handle. But they're still memories.

Flashbacks I relive.

Very much the difference between being awake and watching a movie or reading a good book that totally sucks you in... And dreaming, where I'm actually in the dream & feeling/participating. Whether I'm aware I'm dreaming, or not.

 

[Chava]

Often I don't see that I'm in the thick of it when it's bad, but as I've gone through therapy I have gained some awareness and sometimes realize what's happening. It doesn't make it a whole lot easier. But yes, I can be reliving something and also on some level aware that I'm lost in it. For me it is usually body sensations, feelings, and a horrid distortion of time....all time at once...very overwhelming. I feel immobilized and horribly trapped. I don't think of these as flashbacks, but I call them meltdowns. I'm not sure if this is a "flashback" you are describing or not, but I don't think it's a unique experience here.

It reminds me a little bit of the awareness within Structural Dissociation, though I'm just trying to understand that. Shimmerz has a long thread on that, probably you can see in "Recent Posts" because I just replied and brought it back up to the top again. Anyway, part of you is reliving parts of trauma while another part is maintaining awareness.

In neuroscience terms, it could be like areas of your trauma-affected brain (more hindbrain and brainstem areas) light up without completely shutting down your frontal lobe (which happens in trauma, but in therapy we start to get some of this back online).

Not sure if any of this fits for you. But I know that even if I'm aware it can feel nearly impossible to get out of some of these states because I feel very panicked or shutdown, one extreme or the other. I can have some awareness, but not enough of the non-trauma brain to help me see beyond it very soon sometimes. I have to just access whatever simple grounding thing I can. The awareness helps at least get to some of the grounding sometimes.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My flashbacks are a vivid reliving of an experience that is charged with extreme pain and fear. I'm not seeing it from above or sitting on the stairs. It is live action. I've healed my mind/body split enough to learn that my body gives clues that one is coming on. If I am aware of those clues, I can extinguish the flashback, but not the feelings associated with it. This is one of the things I hope EMDR can help me with. The negative cognitions.

I have to lie down and dissociate following a flashback during which all noise is muffled and I always grab my throat to protect it. And my perception of the people in the flashback are 'not me'. Yet it is happening to me. Then I'm so confused I just crash. Try to unclench my jaw and relax my muscles. And my awareness returns.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Thanks for the feedback, y'all. I'm still conflicted on whether or not to call these a flashback of sorts - I think in the empirical use of the term, they are not; however, I can't control them the way that I can control a memory (opting in or out of experiencing it). HMMM. I need to read more on the structural dissociation thing; thanks @Chava for reminding me of it.

Whatever it is, though, I want it to stop. The more therapy I do, the worse these THINGS are getting, and I'm feeling like my life is starting to implode …

 

[joeylittle]

I think in the empirical use of the term, they are not; however, I can't control them the way that I can control a memory (opting in or out of experiencing it).

Your posts make me think of what I call "intrusive memory". It's how I categorize memories that intrude on my present moment so much that they pull in all my focus. They got easier to handle once I started noticing what was happening as they were just starting - for me, accelerated breathing is the biggest. So, when I notice that and put my energy into regulating my breath, the memory backs off and becomes just a memory, not an intrusive one; from there, I can move my focus somewhere else.

I think an intrusive memory can morph into a flashback; I have experienced that. Controlling flashbacks is harder because I don't see them coming, and once it's on, it's on until it's done.

 

[Chava]

Whatever it is, though, I want it to stop. The more therapy I do, the worse these THINGS are getting, and I'm feeling like my life is starting to implode …

Does your therapist know about these memories/flashback experiences? Maybe she has ideas for helping you regain a little ground? That in itself seems to take a lot of experimenting. But it helps a lot that you have that little bit of awareness, because that is also what can help you gradually notice what kinds of things help you through these times. Sometimes I have to hide in the tiniest most interior room of the house, sometimes I have to get out of my house. And then all the different coping things I've tried in these different spaces.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Kinda? I've told her, but I'm afraid that sometimes I minimize things, and that might make it seem more manageable than it is. I'm seeing her in two days again, so maybe I can manage to spill some things then … I called her this afternoon but she didn't return my call yet.

I'm working on trying different grounding strategies. I do get frustrated, sometimes, because it comes on so fast and then I feel paralyzed by it …. it feels like the only thing I can do is wait it out until I emerge gasping for air.

I hate PTSD.

 

[Chava]

I feel paralyzed sometimes still. It is helpful to remember (even if hard in the middle of it) that we do get through it.

 

[anonymous]

Can you be aware that you're having a flashback when you're having a flashback?

Yes, you can indeed be aware that you are having a flashback when you are in the flashback.

I would research emotional flashbacks as it seems like that may be what you're experiencing. Many people (and in my experience, MOST professionals) have no idea what an emotional flashback is.