If You Tell Your T You Are Scared Of Losing Her Will It Actually Happen?

[falling_wave]

I want to tell my T that certain things trigger me to worry about losing her but I've heard mixed things about doing that. Maybe she will try to distance emotionally or lengthen of time in between sessions so my attachment will lessen. Maybe she will try to remind me that she is not going anywhere. I just don't know. I want to tell her but am scared that it might speed up losing her at a time it would be awful to be by myself. Any experiences?

 

[mrsps]

I have a fear that my T will "give up on me"
I also have attachment issues and get attached to my T because she is so nice and I wished I had a mother like her.
I have talked this through with her. She said we will continue to talk about the attachment as we go along, keeping it in the open rather than not talking about it. She also said we need to have some attachment to be able to work through my issues together. I remember in my first session after I discovered how nice she was, I told her I don't want her to be nice because I didn't want to get attached to her!
I think it is really helpful to talk these things through with your T.
A T that is worth her money wont lengthen the time between sessions etc they will talk it through with you as to why you feel the things you do and work on these.
Best of luck :)

 

[falling_wave]

I'm feeling this way because I'm losing a very important person in my life and the grief is overwhelming but it's based on her suggestion and empowering me to move on from what isn't working. I'm doing that now and getting my own place so that the dynamics that cause me so much pain at home will stop. I have no one else though so this move is feeling really risky to me. I was thinking that I am only strong enough and feeling supported enough to make this decision because of her. What If I have just run away from all the relationships and problems I needed to work on and will be happy temporarily. Then what if she's sees that and thinks our work is done and I met my goals. Then I got into a situation I can only handle because she's there and then she won't be. It terrifies me and I signed the lease so I feel so trapped suddenly.

 

[Sandstone]

You sound as though you understand pretty well what is happening and why feel as you do. You also understand that, for the moment, you need your T 's support. I should think she helped you grow to the stage where you can now see all this, so she knows that you still need her. The ultimate goal is for you to grow to the stage where you no longer need her, but that will also be for you to recognise.

I want to tell my T that certain things trigger me to worry about losing her but I've heard mixed things about doing that.

What mixed things have you heard?

 

[hodge]

Stenni is right. A good therapist will not cut you loose if you are not ready. Do please talk to your T about this to get that reassurance. It sure doesn't seem that you are ready to go without her at this point and she should definitely understand that. And on the off chance that she doesn't? Get a new therapist!!

 

[ButterflyBean]

@falling_wave I want you to know that your fears are valid and legitimate. I think you should print out the comment you left above, and bring it to your next session so you don't have to struggle to find the word and explain what you're feeling. If you don't feel comfortable with that, maybe you can email this thread to her? If you don't have her email, I suggest giving it to her at the beginning of the session and asking her to read it if you don't feel comfortable doing it yourself.

I also think your comment above was very articulate. It could be a good starting point for discussion. The more you keep this inside, the more it will bother you. Discussing it openly is best so you know exactly how she will handle each scenario. I doubtshe will leave you just because you are on your own. That in itself will create new reasons you will need her support.

When is your next session? Hang in there, and let us know how it goes!

 

[watundah]

I went through a similar fear when I started therapy and I think it really bogged me down in the beginning. It bothered me to think that I was going to get so attached to someone who was eventually going to go away (hello, abandonment issues ). I was reminded by a friend (because God knows I couldn't discuss this with my therapist! ) that 1) I will learn skills so I no longer need her; 2) It's a gradual disengagement; 3) it's not like you can't go back for occasional tune ups.

I still get trippy about the weirdness of this needy, one sided relationship.

I agree it is good if you can share with your therapist how you feel. I am still learning how to open up. If that's your case, too, I hope this helps.

 

[falling_wave]

What mixed things have you heard?

I have heard some people on here say they talked about needing their T and then they set a non negotiable end date to work toward becoming self sufficient so they knew it would at one point end. I also have heard people who work through this openly in therapy and get support from it. I know there was a time I started to come in for several weeks feeling pretty happy and hopeful telling her more about my accomplishments than struggles. She then didn't address that but told me that she was not working on Fridays anymore making her schedule tighter and she though I would be okay to go to two weeks. We never talked about attachment but in two weeks I had fallen back into a deep depression and she saw that so suggested we go back to every week which has been back and consistent for a long time now. She sees me not for money now but because she wants to continue working with me so I think if we ended I wouldn't be able to ask her to see me when I'm struggling for free again.

Btw she is the best therapist I've ever had and my life has changed because of her. I trust her completely this is really just my insecurities coming out.

 

[falling_wave]

@falling_wave I also think your comment above was very articulate. It could be a good starting point for discussion. The more you keep this inside, the more it will bother you. Discussing it openly is best so you know exactly how she will handle each scenario. I doubtshe will leave you just because you are on your own. That in itself will create new reasons you will need her support.

When is your next session? Hang in there, and let us know how it goes!

I don't have her email and phone or text is reserved for an emergency which I have used on occasion but don't want to when I can cope on my own. When all my feelings and fear hit about moving and losing this relationship I got into some mix of a panic attack and severe grief which happens too regularly and it's hard to get out of it. I've told her this happens but never what exactly is going through my mind so I wrote all of my physical and emotional feelings and thoughts freely but clearly since I know how to write. In part of that I said I'm really scared that I'll look like I'm doing well but be fooling myself and then lose the support that I do have. It didn't exactly say that's her but I'm hoping she will pick up on that. I'm very embarrassed to let her read it but I want her to know what's going on in my mind when those attacks happen.

My next appointment is tomorrow afternoon. It can't come soon enough. This week feels like it's been a month since I've seen her. The thing that bothers me is I'm a very independent non clingy person but just can't stand thinking about my life without her in it.

 

[Sandstone]

I think if we ended I wouldn't be able to ask her to see me when I'm struggling for free again.

That answers one of the things I was thinking about. Mind you, that is still your assumption, not something you know.

then they set a non negotiable end date to work toward becoming self sufficient so they knew it would at one point end.

I've not seen that, but I agree it would be scary.

It sounds as though your T is vey responsive to your needs, and happy to give you all you need. You must be working hard for her to be like that

 

[falling_wave]

That answers one of the things I was thinking about. Mind you, that is still your assumption, not something you know.

I guess I could check this out with her. I do like to think I'm always working as hard as I can and part of why I keep working even when I am tired is because if she is helping me out of the goodness of her heart and without a business arrangement I should pull my load so that I don't lose her. Recently I've seen how much my life has opened up and I am happy but it brings a kind of fear too because what if I can't maintain it alone. I know logically someone day it will happen and it will all be okay but that day is just not today.

 

[Jane.l]

I think that perhaps her not charging you is part of the reason you are feeling insecure, it's a lapse of boundaries, for all the right reasons - but without that framework, you are becoming unsure of where you stand. I think that needs a discussion.

I have been in a similar situation and I would just be as open and honest with your T as you can, tell her everything you have written here, she sounds like she will totally 'get it' and will appreciate that you trust her enough to tell her.