Relationship Ptsd As An Excuse?

[Deleted member 28812]

When I hear what some supporters say about their spouses I feel like there are some people who use PTSD as an excuse not to work on themselves/their relationship.

I see this a lot in other people and neither they nor their sufferer seem to notice. Sometimes I meet people and sometimes there are posts by spouses over here when I want to tell the person "that guy is just a selfish idiot" but I don't because I am not sure.
I know a guy who blames he jealousy and suspecting his wife of having an affair on PTSD while I think it is just a character flaw. She gave him no reason to believe she was cheating him... but I never tell her when she blames it all on PTSD because I could be wrong.

How about you (as a sufferer or a spouse)?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/beware-of-the-ptsd-excuse-in-combat-vets.24675/ Similar topic

 

[Friday]

Could the paranoia, hypervig, anxiety, rage, & trust issues (that usually make up the suspicious spouse's calling card) be PTSD acting up in your friend's spouse? Sure. Absolutely. Or he could also just be an insecure dick with jealousy issues. Or he could be cheating on her and transferring all his guilt onto her shoulders. No idea.

Shrug. I don't know. I've dated a lot of combat vets. About the only people I tend to get on with for any real period of time. Also, you know, lived & worked 24/7 with them, so rather like shooting fish in a barrel. ;) Talk about a target rich environment. Anyhow... There are some pretty unifying symptoms. There's also personality coupled with symptoms.

When pretty much everyone you date is f*cked in the head the same way? It takes that out of the equation. Yeah... Everyone has nightmares, and is prone to startle, and tempers flare, and energy needs burning off, and oblivion sought, and, and, and. Since "everyone" is that way (to be clear, not all combat vets are that way, but the ones I dated and my best mates were)... That's baseline. That's normal. At which point it becomes all about the individual. Their personality. How that interacted with their symptoms.

Do people use PTSD as an excuse? I'm sure. Worse, our coping mechanisms may not be the most healthy things on the planet. But there's also just the fact that we're all different people with the same disorder.

 

[anthony]

There are lots of people who use PTSD as their excuse to do anything they want, treat anyone how they choose at a given time, and well... just be wankers guised under PTSD.

 

[Amanda_j]

I'm pleased that you mentioned this. I was thinking the same thing yesterday after reading some posts. Im new to ptsd but not new to dealing with my sufferers symptoms. I have read some posts that have left me feeling quite shocked. I can only comment on my personal experience, so much has changed, but I will continue to have self respect and certain expectations. Having said that, my sufferer has always remained respectful to me. Not every behavior or choice can be attributed to ptsd. Sadly some people may use it as an excuse to justify not doing the right thing by someone who cares about them.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

... just be wankers guised under PTSD.

Just what I thought *lol*. I did not want to be rude and did not word it like this ;)

 

[NicG]

I think the difference between using it as an excuse and it actually being a symptom is how the sufferer responds to it.
"I feel jealous because my PTSD makes me anxious and feel like nobody loves me. That's not your fault at all and I'm working on it and will continue to talk about it openly with you because underneath the PTSD I understand you wouldn't betray me" - gold star
"I feel jealous because I have PTSD and it's a fact of life you have to put up with" - total wanker

 

[Sandstone]

Isn't there a question of timescales too? In @NicG ;\'s example the re could also be " I feel jealous because I have PTSD, (but I haven't learned enough yet to realise that is why).

I used to blame my husband for all sorts of things, and rant at him. Now I learned more I can see it's my pain, not his behaviour. The example I usually use, because it's pretty innocuous is that i used to get angry with him for not wiping the sink and cleaning the plug-hole after he washed up. Now I can step back and see that he bought the meal - because I don't deal with supermarkets well, he may well have cooked it, and he washed up. so I can just get over the plughole and either clean it myself or walk away. Remembering to thank him for all he does.

 

[Weemie]

i think there is a difference between an explanation and an excuse. like i can be mean to people because i get irritated easily because i have ptsd. when i get triggered i get mad. it is not fair or right of me to do this and i am working on stopping it.

 

[ihateusernames]

@Lemontree I find myself thinking this a lot reading supporter posts. I have the urge to say so, but bow out instead.

 

[holdenmonty]

I remember a couple times that I have used PTSD as an excuse a while ago like not wanting to go shopping between Thanksgiving and Christmas because of all the crazy shoppers and the amount of shoppers but talked it through with my therapist and did some exposure therapy and even though I still am not a fan of shopping when it's busy I'm able to handle it better.

 

[Wastinglight]

"I feel jealous because my PTSD makes me anxious and feel like nobody loves me. That's not your fault at all and I'm working on it and will continue to talk about it openly with you because underneath the PTSD I understand you wouldn't betray me" - gold star

i think there is a difference between an explanation and an excuse.

Yes, I agree with @NicG and @lightraze. I am coming at this issue from the point of view of being a sufferer of Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I have issues with jealousy, and for a long time I used to think "What the f*ck is wrong with me? There is no evidence whatsoever that my guy is cheating on me this girl, he is treating her the same way he treats everyone and he is just a nice guy. So what's wrong with me that I feel like this?"

For me, I believe it is a combination of anxiety, trust issues (from being betrayed before) and low self esteem. I almost cried when I read this article, which explained so much of how I felt: http://gad.about.com/od/selfhelp/a/relprobs.htm. PTSD and GAD seem to have a few things in common, so I imagine that it's a contributing factor for PTSD sufferers too.

But that article didn't give me an excuse, it gave me a starting point to begin some serious work on my anxiety. It helped me realise that no, I'm not just inexplicably being a b*tch, I just have some deep-rooted issues that are manifesting in inappropriate ways, and I need professional help to resolve them. So now I don't beat myself up so much when I get jealous, which is a good thing, because it has improved my self esteem a little.

I work very hard on owning my jealousy, trust issues and anxiety, and I would never ask my guy to stop talking to a female friend just because I become irrational and upset sometimes. In fact, he told me the other day that he doesn't really speak to a mutual female friend of ours anymore, because he doesn't want me to get upset. I hadn't been aware of this, and felt really bad that my behaviour had had this effect on him, so I made it clear to him that I absolutely didn't want my jealousy ruining his friendship with her.

So the bottom line is, I think that you should own your own stuff, no matter what the cause - PTSD, trust issues, character flaw, or whatever. I imagine that if such behaviour stems from a character flaw, that person might be less likely to acknowledge that it's a problem that needs addressing, however.