I was unsure if this was reflective journal entry, or a thread. I'd like comment, so I've put it here, with apologies for its long and rambling nature.
Successive therapists and psychologists have supected a dissociative condition - though maybe they check for this in all childhood trauma cases. (see diagnostic diversion, below)
I was quite sure that dissociation was not relevant to me, except in the floaty, zoned out, detached from reality sense. First the Structural Dissociation thread, then my T using the language of EP and ANP* prompted me to read more, and begin to wonder if more is going on. I've spent weeks on the pretty technical "Trauma-related Structural Dissociation of the Personality" by Ellert Nijenhuis, Onno van der Hart, & Kathy Steele at http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/nijenhuis-2004.php.
* (ANP= Apparently Normal Personality - runs day to day stuff
EP = Emotional Personality - holds the trauma stuff and associated feelings)
I'm aware that I am very suggestible, and just reading about this could be enough to convince me I experience it, as could my T's promptings in that direction. Yet, once I understood a bit more of the concepts, over the course of a few hours, I experienced a re-organising within my brain of my way of conceptualising . It felt as though the pieces, quite literally, were falling into place, as I reconfigured my way of understanding myself and my functioning. I've had this happen before, most recently when my previous T suggested my mother was narcissistic.
T still seems to be running ahead of me, and is happily drawing diagrams with multiple EP's. I have said to her that I am certain there is only one of me, and she agrees this is how I present. Yet I can assent to the idea of one EP and one ANP
A really useful PowerPoint presentation by Onno van der Hart at Link Removed includes
"The term “structural” refers to the dynamic organisation of dissociative parts within a single personality
We do not imply that dissociative parts are completely separate, static structures "
and, strongly a ringing a bell for me
".. treatment involves a sequence of interventions which .. address inner-and outer-directed phobias ...
These phobias can be categorized as:
(1) phobia of traumatic memory,
(2) phobia of attachment,
(3)phobia of trauma-related mental actions,
(4) phobia of dissociative parts of the personality"
The idea of an ANP and an EP, kept determinedly, even phobically, apart, make such sense of my experience - when I am stable, being in any other state seems impossibly unlikely, and when I am distressed recovering from that distress by any but self -destructive means seems incredible. It makes sense of why I walk into therapy and can't really recall any bad bits of the week to report, even though I know it has been up and down. If at that moment I'm functioning as ANP, then I wouldn't want to know about the EP bits.
As the passage below says, it explains why attempts to talk about trauma in therapy before have led to me acting in an extreme manner.
"Internal Family Systems….stresses the importance of the work of ‘protector’ parts. These act as the buffer between the functioning parts (ANPs) and the traumatised parts (EPs). ... if we work with the traumatised, exiled parts too soon, without permission from the protector parts, then the latter will cause havoc and close the therapy down in an effort to stay safe. ... They cut, they take overdoses, they get lost—anything to flag up an emergency or crisis and to slow things down, to stop the ANPs and EPs from knowing about each other. The protector parts, as guardians and managers, have spent their entire lives ... ensuring that these parts know nothing of each other. Their job is to ensure that the functioning parts stay functioning."
from
Working with parts: a therapist’s journey Margaret Collingwood, at Link Removed
I'm attempting to understand various things I've observed about myself. In no particular order:-
Does it matter if this is a real experience of divided parts of oneself or simply a figurative way of thinking about it? Might it actually be dangerous to run off in a florid, over dramatic direction?
The idea of a divided self makes me feel very crazy, and is playing havoc with my digestion, which responds to my emotional state. Combined with the approach towards discussing trauma in therapy, the whole thing is making me feel unstable. Yet I'm unable to discuss it in the off line world, so sorry to anyone who has read all this - you got it instead
(Diagnostic Diversion - wholly skippable
Every therapist and psychologist I've seen has asked me to complete the Dissociative Experiences Scale. My scores have indicated a low likelihood of a Dissociative Condition, (though higher for Somatic Dissociation) However, the best T I saw suggested that was partly because I responded to the question too precisely - there was no question that said " Do you find pieces of furniture inexplicably moved? Or the cheese in the cutlery drawer? Or sooty finger prints high on the wall? " so I didn't respond to anything that roughly related to them.
Recently I did the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation, and came up high on Defensiveness. Diagnostic Indications of PTSD, (well, yes) Somatisation Disorder (not a surprise) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (Oh! Deary me!)
I scored high for "defensiveness denial or minimization of symptoms", because I rated myself as having LOW levels of "normal and universal shortcomings" I suspect this indicates that I tend to score myself low in all measures, and hence, as suggested, the test isn't wholly reliable
Now I'm aware that diagnosis is a matter for experts. But do I want to invite anyone to start digging into this area?)
Successive therapists and psychologists have supected a dissociative condition - though maybe they check for this in all childhood trauma cases. (see diagnostic diversion, below)
I was quite sure that dissociation was not relevant to me, except in the floaty, zoned out, detached from reality sense. First the Structural Dissociation thread, then my T using the language of EP and ANP* prompted me to read more, and begin to wonder if more is going on. I've spent weeks on the pretty technical "Trauma-related Structural Dissociation of the Personality" by Ellert Nijenhuis, Onno van der Hart, & Kathy Steele at http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/nijenhuis-2004.php.
* (ANP= Apparently Normal Personality - runs day to day stuff
EP = Emotional Personality - holds the trauma stuff and associated feelings)
I'm aware that I am very suggestible, and just reading about this could be enough to convince me I experience it, as could my T's promptings in that direction. Yet, once I understood a bit more of the concepts, over the course of a few hours, I experienced a re-organising within my brain of my way of conceptualising . It felt as though the pieces, quite literally, were falling into place, as I reconfigured my way of understanding myself and my functioning. I've had this happen before, most recently when my previous T suggested my mother was narcissistic.
T still seems to be running ahead of me, and is happily drawing diagrams with multiple EP's. I have said to her that I am certain there is only one of me, and she agrees this is how I present. Yet I can assent to the idea of one EP and one ANP
A really useful PowerPoint presentation by Onno van der Hart at Link Removed includes
"The term “structural” refers to the dynamic organisation of dissociative parts within a single personality
We do not imply that dissociative parts are completely separate, static structures "
and, strongly a ringing a bell for me
".. treatment involves a sequence of interventions which .. address inner-and outer-directed phobias ...
These phobias can be categorized as:
(1) phobia of traumatic memory,
(2) phobia of attachment,
(3)phobia of trauma-related mental actions,
(4) phobia of dissociative parts of the personality"
The idea of an ANP and an EP, kept determinedly, even phobically, apart, make such sense of my experience - when I am stable, being in any other state seems impossibly unlikely, and when I am distressed recovering from that distress by any but self -destructive means seems incredible. It makes sense of why I walk into therapy and can't really recall any bad bits of the week to report, even though I know it has been up and down. If at that moment I'm functioning as ANP, then I wouldn't want to know about the EP bits.
As the passage below says, it explains why attempts to talk about trauma in therapy before have led to me acting in an extreme manner.
"Internal Family Systems….stresses the importance of the work of ‘protector’ parts. These act as the buffer between the functioning parts (ANPs) and the traumatised parts (EPs). ... if we work with the traumatised, exiled parts too soon, without permission from the protector parts, then the latter will cause havoc and close the therapy down in an effort to stay safe. ... They cut, they take overdoses, they get lost—anything to flag up an emergency or crisis and to slow things down, to stop the ANPs and EPs from knowing about each other. The protector parts, as guardians and managers, have spent their entire lives ... ensuring that these parts know nothing of each other. Their job is to ensure that the functioning parts stay functioning."
from
Working with parts: a therapist’s journey Margaret Collingwood, at Link Removed
I'm attempting to understand various things I've observed about myself. In no particular order:-
- T asked me to explain more after I told her I'd only been partially present in an early session. I said "I was here, nodding and responding, but most of me was actually thinking "I'll just sit the corner and hum to myself until I'm needed" "
- I have trouble explaining how easy it is for me to believe two completely opposite things at one time. Simple questions can often have five alternative answers, all equally valid.
- My husband said my PTSD diagnosis was relief to him, as he now understood my emotional fluctuation as a symptom. Before that, he said "I never knew who I was coming home to"
- I often wake full of inexplicable rage
- I am aware of a major aspect myself as feeling like a three year old - confused by how the world works, struggling to function in a world of adults, and quite inclined to throw tantrums. What I think of as the real me is calm, measured, and is certainly perceived by others as capable and very rarely in need of support. Also an aspect that thinks the only thing to do with any meds is take seven times the dose to achieve oblivion. Except, oddly, with aspirin, which can only be taken according to the instructions.
- There are other aspects, which I have identified and forgotten within a few days - (phobia of dissociative parts?)
Does it matter if this is a real experience of divided parts of oneself or simply a figurative way of thinking about it? Might it actually be dangerous to run off in a florid, over dramatic direction?
The idea of a divided self makes me feel very crazy, and is playing havoc with my digestion, which responds to my emotional state. Combined with the approach towards discussing trauma in therapy, the whole thing is making me feel unstable. Yet I'm unable to discuss it in the off line world, so sorry to anyone who has read all this - you got it instead
(Diagnostic Diversion - wholly skippable
Every therapist and psychologist I've seen has asked me to complete the Dissociative Experiences Scale. My scores have indicated a low likelihood of a Dissociative Condition, (though higher for Somatic Dissociation) However, the best T I saw suggested that was partly because I responded to the question too precisely - there was no question that said " Do you find pieces of furniture inexplicably moved? Or the cheese in the cutlery drawer? Or sooty finger prints high on the wall? " so I didn't respond to anything that roughly related to them.
Recently I did the Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation, and came up high on Defensiveness. Diagnostic Indications of PTSD, (well, yes) Somatisation Disorder (not a surprise) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (Oh! Deary me!)
I scored high for "defensiveness denial or minimization of symptoms", because I rated myself as having LOW levels of "normal and universal shortcomings" I suspect this indicates that I tend to score myself low in all measures, and hence, as suggested, the test isn't wholly reliable
Now I'm aware that diagnosis is a matter for experts. But do I want to invite anyone to start digging into this area?)
