Sufferer I Am New. I Have Ptsd And It Sucks.

[latetotheparty]

Hey, I have looked into this blog for the last few months and finally decided to join, if only to relate with fellow PTSD sufferers. I went through an isolated traumatic event involving a train derailment when I was 20 years old. For a long time it didn't feel real, the only way I can describe it, is the feeling of watching a movie of yourself. I was still in school at the time and despite having injuries, I went back to school after a week, if only for the distraction. I pushed the event out of my mind for two years, despite suffering from multiple triggers throughout the day. During those three years, I barely slept, and when I did I had terrible night terrors. I started to fear everything and everyone around me. I started to grow frustrated by the lack of acceptance and understanding by my friends and family. Friends not knowing how to talk to me anymore, just straight up stopped speaking to me, or those who did talk to me grew uncomfortable when I brought up my symptoms. One friend getting so frustrated one day yelled "just be grateful you are alive, and get the hell over it". That phrase has stuck with me to this day, I didn't view myself as being ungrateful by talking about my issues. I felt isolated, alone and well, crazy. My body physically started growing ill because of the lack of sleep, and anxiety, I think the worst feeling though, was that I had lost the feeling of myself and the feeling that I could trust my own mind.

It took me three and a half years of disassociation and feeling numb to finally seek professional help. I had tried twice before to find a therapist on campus but both told me I was fine and only those in the military suffered from PTSD, i didn't qualify with my isolated incident. I know now, that is complete crap.

I am joining this blog because I want to relate to other PTSD sufferers, share coping mechanisms and generally not feel alone with this illness anymore. I am currently suffering with issues of hypervigilance, numbness, disassociation, survivors guilt and well motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Thanks for reading this, I look forward to hearing from the forum.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

For a long time it didn't feel real, the only way I can describe it, is the feeling of watching a movie of yourself.

I must admit that whenever I have a flashback to my childhood it is like watching a movie, the most graphic horror movie ever screened. My main problem is that this is a movie that never ends, and I am the star of the show, I play the lead role. Every time my unconcious presses the play button on the vrc I have to sit glued to the TV and suffer time and time and time again. Every time he pushed the knife deeper into my fragile young body I feel the searing pain as it enters me. I am 8 years old and terrified at the time. I am still terrified every time I watch this movie.

I relate to your trauma in this respect @latetotheparty

I send a warm and safe :hug: from the UK if you accept it.

Laurie

 

[latetotheparty]

@Santa_Laurie Thank you so much for your warm welcome to the group! I very much appreciate it. I am so sorry about your terrifying flashbacks, they sound intense and overwhelming. I must admit I often wish that during my flashbacks or "when the movie plays" I could just delete it completely or pause the memory to actually process it better. Thanks again for your response, it is nice to know somebody else views flashbacks in the same sense.

 

[Tanishq]

Welcome to the forums latetotherparty. Sorry you had to go through very rough time and you had to deal with so many symptoms alone. I am glad to read that you found those professionals were misleading you and were no help to you.

Don't forget to read useful articles on this forums. It's in the vault section. :)

 

[intothelight]

@latetotheparty Welcome to the forum! One of the best benefits about this site is being able to connect with other members that really understand your struggles. I hope you find the support here beneficial to your healing.

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

Here in the States there are often victims groups set up with specific tragedies to help mitigate the costs and effects of trauma therapy and medical costs. Although the frustrating thing is that most of the victims don't know that! Because they were rather busy being injured and in shock when the informations was "given out". Sigh. Always drives me a bit mad. (I worked disaster response for a time.) The company can claim to have set up this program with all of these funds and goals, with only a fraction of the people in need ever hearing about it, much less using it. Do you know if the Railway set up anything, by chance?

 

[latetotheparty]

@FridayJones I am not sure if something similar can be set up in Canada, but as far as I am aware, I alone am responsible for all medical and therapist visits. Which is frustrating because I am in my early 20's, just graduated university which in itself puts me in a difficult financial position. As I am sure most people who have had to pay out of pocket without insurance, these things add up incredibly quickly. The railway has not set up funding for victims because it refuses to acknowledge that any of us have suffered any trauma.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum!!

 

[SabrinaB]

Welcome to forum and so pleased you found your way here! This is a wonderful, supportive community where you'll find camaraderie, understanding and support. I look forward to hearing more about your life journey and sharing strategies for coping with this crappy disorder.