Jealousy, Hatred and Say So Long to Vital Life Energies

[Anonymoose]

I've had this experience often but I haven't recovered completely from it.

 

[goingonhope]

I feel inept right now on just how to comment or continue here regarding this topic, as I'm struggling as of late with depression disrupting the present, but I believe with more time I will be able to join along in this discussion.

I cried when first reading the posts, but since this, I feel numb.

The cry felt really good; It was near silent with tears streaming down my face and oddly enough, I lowered my head and turned it downward and away, as if hiding it from the monitor. Also, I did not want my son to hear me crying as he was in the next room. I started crying at the point when Nicolette asks:

Are you looking for your spirit......????

.........and I continued on from there, (pain & shame) but later my tears were gone and I felt numb, lost and confused; It's difficult for me to believe that I really went ahead posting and asking this question; As the subject is another of my least favorites.

I'd like to thank each of you who share here. Already, I've found many things that are of great help in each one of your responses, and thank you each so much.

Though I haven't been able to post until now, I've been every so often, on and off of the forum reading this thread. I'm beginning to dislike seeing those words Jealousy & Hatred. They really make real the reality of those yrs. of trauma and suffering.

Also, experiencing a mix of emotions: joy in the sharing here, relief from some identification, a better sense of belonging here, pain from trauma I am confronting and presently overwhelmed with, and pain from much that is unraveling and getting revealed to me; Though, I am fortunate to be allowed to look at this type of trauma, re-evaluate and learn powerful truths from it, I don't feel so fortunate at the moment.

I've started writing offline regarding this subject, writing and reading, learning with the help of your posts, looking at things differently and the same. The facts don't change, but the way in which I've perceived some things is shifting and is enlightening, however disrupting.

Perhaps even more in the way I've narrowly perceived certain things may change too, with more effort.

My personal purpose for this pain is to allow it to just be, then overcome, so that I might heal and return to my spirit of zero tolerance for any mistreatment whatsoever in relation to other human beings, whether it be me on the giving or receiving end of it, plus a zero tolerance for a role of perpetual self-blame, self-punishment, or re-occurring pattern of self-incrimination and/or affliction.

I will hope to be posting of my trauma regarding this topic elsewhere within the forum, so as to not clutter this thread with past ugly experiences of reality which remains to sicken and scare the sh't out of me.

My family and I need, and I so desperately desire wounds and baggage I carry along with me resolved and healed, within myself and forgiven, regarding this subject.

Good has come from every one of these posts, as there is much for me to learn from everyone and from even the least conspicuous things said, as well as, trauma story bits shared.

As of yet the only way for me to answer what exactly I mean by my question is with a mess, one in which I don't feel comfortable sharing within this thread. And, yet this thread is most helpful in helping me better understand and accept why this pain, and reinforces too, just what I am to do with it.

It's very important for me, that you all know that I really appreciate every post. Again there is always so much to learn from others experience and variety of views.

I choose to learn someting empowering from each and everyone of us and regardless of same or differing experiences and points of view. ........so again thank you for sharing here in a good discussion, and one that I am finding greatly helpful, ....and you may as well know,

I am truly learning significant things from All of it!

If there is more to be said here from anyone who has already posted, or anyone else who'd like to, at one point or another, contribute identification, experience, insight or even point of view, please feel free as it all can be very helpful and is welcomed!

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Were you ever consistently cruelly tormented and abused either physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually (or any combo. therin) resulting from another's pathological fears, jealousy and hatred toward you, .....and degraded because of your positive attributes, brains, potential, strengths and the visibility of your vital life energies?

And, if so did you achieve a near full healing and recovery from specifically this?

------

Sincerely, Hope

 

[reallydown]

One other thing I have expereinced...Some educators were not too thrilled if/when I happened to do better at something (especially English) than people who were born here and I'd notice a change in their attitude toward me or some would even openly chastise those people that they should be ashamed of themselves (not good for any of us students)...Sometimes I'd even get a B - range mark for virtually no reason...for work that deserved an A...I'm talkign here about elementray, highschool and post-secondary...Although I have to say that most educators were fair and unbiased...Still, those few that weren't have, on occasion, made things harder. I wouldn't call this abuse...but it's just another set of obstacles...

 

[goingonhope]

One of many realizations I've had from reading this thread, specifically Moonshadows post, is that as the result of soley my step-dad, initially, and his demons, that I was made to perform below average, appear ugly, act stupid and fail myself, among being made to become other things, and all in order to survive.

I was taken into his possession when I had to witness, over and over and for years, (ages 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, + teens) his selfishness, manipulation, indifference and abuses of myself and my then beloved family. I was degraded, drained and beaten, and all my vital life energies and hope thouroughly rejected, all because I would not join. First it was he that I too (w/ mother & sisters), was suppose to join, and then it was to join all of them. I was suppose to go along to get along, (7 - 13) which meant become and be negligent, abusive and hateful toward myself and each other, almost as if these were the initiation requirements, or else suffer my mothers abandonment and entire families rejection, hatred and jealousy.

This is no cop-out as I've never even considered this before now, but I was made to fight a life and death battle, all in order to survive and it was one that I did not even want any part of. In fact, back then and even now both that negativity and that way-of-death, was in complete opposition to my nature, character and dreams, and by far. ......And, this simply was not acceptable to him and his recruits.

 

[goingonhope]

I was suppose to go along to get along, (7 - 13) which meant become and be negligent, abusive and hateful toward myself and each other, almost as if these were the initiation requirements, or else suffer my mothers abandonment and entire families rejection, hatred and jealousy.

Going along to get along meant the above and other things as well. It meant too: Somehow, someway, managing to put myself into a place of total denial and oblivion and to accept the unacceptable.

To close my eyes and pretend that what was real was unreal, ......that what was important was unimportant, ......that what was trivial and rather unimportant was extremely important.

It was as if I was forced-fed to learn everything backwards, when I knew better then this, but could find no means of escape, and this daily poisonous force-feeding was maddening.

However, if I didn't learn 'his way', I'd pay and live to wish that I did, because his big promises to others, successful brainwashing and gifts of food, time, attention and mobility was successfully working for him to buy and gain more and more 'believing', 'simply numb' or 'needy, lonesome' members. So I would be certain to lose my mother, sisters, extended family, and be left to fend entirely on my own.

My step-dad was one hateful, scary, scary .................... .

Frankly, I don't know what to call him, because he certainly wasn't a man, not as I know and define the word.

 

[Nicolette]

I choose to learn someting empowering from each and everyone of us and regardless of same or differing experiences and points of view. ........so again thank you for sharing here in a good discussion, and one that I am finding greatly helpful, ....and you may as well know,

I am truly learning significant things from All of it!

I feel compelled to write to you Hope and say that you know how I asked if you were looking for your spirit?....well.....you have a gorgeous one and the statement above shows how much you have done and how far you have grown...you have the spirit and determination to overcome what has broken many before. While you may have lost your childhood, you have also gained a remarkable strength, courage and drive which may not have been so if life had not been the way it was. By no means does this take away from your trauma but think of it like this...........

despite all you have gone through and all the knocks you have endured you are still a beautiful person and a loving mother and wife....that my dear is spirit!

 

[nlk]

Imagine the possibilities of the new energy I could attract, if I could only unplug from all the negativity I had become so used to.

This is so true for anyone.

Thank you!

 

[goingonhope]

A Recipe For Healing After Loss

Grandy's Recipe for Tear Soup

Helpful ingredients to consider

• a pot full of tears
• one heart willing to be broken open
• a dash of bittters
• a bunch of good friends
• many handfuls of comfort food
• a lot of patience
• buckets of water to replace the tears
• plenty of exercise
• a variety of helpful reading material
• enough self care
• season with memories
• optional: one good therapist and/or support group


Directions:
Choose the size pot that fits your loss. It's okay to increase pot size if you miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set the temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. Strong flavors will mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:
• be creative
• trust your instincts.
• cry when you want to, laugh when you can
• freeze some soup to use as a starter for next time
• keep your own soup making journal so you won't forget

Serves: One

"What's true about soup making is also true about grieving."

Source: Tear Soup, A Recipe For Healing After Loss, Schwiebert & Deklyen

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I feel proud of myself for starting this thread. While I was asking and opening up here on this subject I was too responding in my daily life empowered. I enjoyed and accomplished and reclaimed some life's energies, joys and activities that prior to my uncomfortable honesty and the helpful identification received, I simply was not mustering the energy and motivation to participate in and engage in some specific benefits of life.

But then I stopped focusing, writing, feeling, and thinking on this subject here and abruptly, because I started feeling misunderstood and afraid, and tried but couldn't concentrate well enough to, nor find the time to explain or say more.

This is another one of my positive threads, because it reaches out for sincere help and identification and speaks only from my heart and truth.

There was a time and for years, I'd figured in order to be good, to be polite, to be upbeat, likeable and positive that I must disown my reality, if it meant stuffing the truth and the pain deeper and deeper down while denying it. Heck' I was certain others would appreciate such, why not so? People like to feel and be made to feel comfortable; Half-truths and mistruths and complete denial of painful topics beats the sh't out of the truth now'a'days. The truth isn't always pretty, in fact it's quite ugly and painful sometimes and all of which can get perceived as negative, depending on vision.

The way I perceive things is that reality, honesty and one's experience and truth is not to be judged as negative or positive, but simply accepted and allowed to be. And, when people and feelings and life is faced and allowed such freedom to be, ....everything painful all passes in proper time and a magnificent sense of release, joy and freedom from bondage builds.

I included this recipe here, because here is where I most need it to be. Perhaps, some of my greatest trauma was having to endure, what felt like and perhaps was, day in and day out of rejection and loss, and felt then and still feels so very heartwrenching.


Hope

 

[goingonhope]

I was the youngest of them all and family of origin and extended family had all already had taken away from them, lost or abandoned their vital life energies and so I grew up standing out from the bunch of them; I felt targeted and despised, and was treated as such.

I should've been clearer here. Not only did I feel targeted and despised and treated both cruelly and often too completely ignored, even while standing in the same room and speaking normally to another, I too was singled-out, targeted and despised.

So when I hurt myself, or am injured it remains to serve a higher purpose to others. There is other's pleasure, comfortability, security and countless other bonuses in it for them.

As opposed to when I take care of myself. This has seldom if ever been a good thing. It is then that the results and my consequences feel worse than just giving people what they want so badly. .......control over me!

Not so much feeling :mad: , but sad.

 

[2quilt]

I felt the same way in my family. I am more intelligent than my parents put together, which is scarey, but the family treated me with such contempt, calling me stupid and all that.

The adults ignored me when I was so sick, I should have been taken to the doctor or the ER, but they neglected me. Social Services should have stepped in, or the police, but they didn't because teachers and neighbors considered it none of their business.

Years of therapy have gotten me to accept that I am in control of my own life now.

 

[FlameTachiku]

Good Moringing Goingonhope,

Thank you for you COURAGE to post such a deep and painful part of your being (for us to participate in and grow too) to be open to change for healing.

Our life expereince is in clear contrast. But what is the same is the knowing of spirit and life energy and still moves within us. It is the KNOWING that is our strength, to claim the fact. The FACT that no one/they can not claim/own/destroy that part of us. But, oh how it is smashed/sheilded/denied but it is ours not theirs. We can reclaim what is ours because it has never left.

Words---I get your frustration:wink:. Words or emotions or comparisons don't really closley describe life spirit. It can be seen by others especially family. I am sorry that yours was not cherished.:Hug_emoticon:

I have observed others healing from like families and seen the change from the beginning to many years later. What seems to happen is through the years they get so much stronger and then return to the people of crime and things are better. Then the same down dynamic's happen again. Healing starts again. Years later there is a journey of bad the good-----then bad and a life with acceptance, truce, a claiming of personal experience and spirit.

You are ok. Picture your life energy as a balloon and start blowing it up.

On a personal note. I am so looking foward to this day. My dad old/weak is going on a trip to the coast with me today. I want to buy some old fashion roses from the 1800's for my yard. Dad wants a good lunch at a BBQ I told him about. So today we are going to visit the ocean, eat BBQ and visit a by appointment only family home who have cultivated roses to share with others:smile:.

You have in the past asked what I do or how healing is lived out. Did you catch the phrase "I look foward to". I may seem like nothing to others, but for me that is -a huge victory-. This was somthing I intiated it and asked my father. My family is gentle with me because I withdrawl easily. They often intiate in a way that they think will bring me out. But I find that to be hard. I would rather wash clothes and prepare for next week way to often.

Goingonhope big hug postive thoughts to your spirit,

Flame