Helpless, Lost And Suicidal In My Relationship

[Sinkingxbelle]

I am not sure what else to do but ask for some advice. I am currently 6 months pregnant with my boyfriend of a year and a half. We are engaged as of last summer and things were fine up until a few months ago. I feel like I have come a long way living with PTSD and coping as well as I can.

I have been taken off my medication with this pregnancy and since my PTSD has gotten so bad I am in a constant state of panic and anxiety. I jump at every little thing. My boyfriend is very naive and doesn't want to see things from anyone else's perspective but his own.

Today I had a major anxiety attack/episode (they last a long time for me, about 3 hours or so usually). I told him I was not feeling good and I feel like I have been carrying a lot of the household chores and responsibilities alone. I feel resentful and angry. This mixed with the fact he wont admit when he is wrong no matter what he has done makes me extremely angry and resentful. I suffered a 3 year abusive relationship and a violent sexual assault a few months before I met my boyfriend. I feel like a lot of my anger is directed very strongly due to the fact I am constantly terrified due to the suffering I endured during my last relationship. I try to explain to him very clearly that when I become anxious his actions and comments (tone of voice/sarcastic) cause me to become triggered. When I am triggered my brain shuts down and I either turn self destructive on myself or I will become violent towards him in an effort to get him away from me in every way possible. He will stand there and comment and add to my anxiety attack causing me to shut down and black out. I told him for his own safety he needs to leave when I tell him to leave the house because I will end up hurting him or myself and I would never want that!

I feel lost and helpless because this happens once every couple days. I see him as selfish and self centered, as I suffer daily with so much that he doesn't exactly see. It's exhausting and I am mentally exhausted trying to get him to realize that the things he is doing are triggering me and causing me major discomfort. I am like a time bomb, I can deal with it for so long and then he will do one thing and it will set me off to an extreme level. I am very suicidal and I think about it every day... I feel like it's my only option at this point. Everyone around me acts like I can control how I feel, and that I need to toughen up when truthfully I am trying 200% more than my very hardest. I am doing the best I can coping and every day is a nightmare.

I have a 5 year old son on top of this and I am trying to focus on being the best mother I can be to my son. I don't know what to do as at this point I am unsure if he will ever swallow his pride and just admit that he needs to soften things up and make a better effort to stop triggering me and causing me crisis when I am in an anxiety attack. I feel so lost. Please any advice or help you can give me would be majorly appreciated. I am trapped in this constant nightmare every day. For most people dealing with these things would be angering, but for me dealing with his selfish and childishness is unbearable and it's pushing me to the point I want to die because I feel like there is no other option for me at this point. Nothing ever gets better and I just feel judged, at fault and guilty every day of my life. :(

 

[MT Johnny]

I think you need to keep in perspective two things you wrote in your first few lines - you were coping well, and you are now off your medications due to your pregnancy. I think there isn't any reason you can't cope just as well after your baby comes and you can get back onto the meds. Just keep reminding yourself that this will pass and things will be ok again. Hang in there.

 

[Sinkingxbelle]

I feel like the fact he has changed completely from how he was a few months ago is not making things very easy on me is contributing a lot. There has been times the past few months that he has been great and I was completely fine. IT seems like whenever he starts acting like this, and disregarding my emotions is when I seem to become unable to cope at all. :(

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Very sorry about the situation. Keep talking with your Psychiatrist there may be something else you can take to take the edge off. Have hope in what MT Johnny also said. You also perhaps remember from your first child that pregnancy and the hormones make things heightened and its a frightening time. Some men take advantage of that -this is true also.. perhaps increase your therapy to get you through now and sending love prayers and support ~ For the sake of meditation and clearing your mind you could try some binaural beats.. man I will tell you they work amazing on headaches as well.

 

[Sinkingxbelle]

Thank you Melissa. I think that he is playing off me being so emotionally incapacitated at the moment. I sincerely think he is feeling powerful by seeing me so emotionally beat up that he continues to make it worse on purpose sometimes. But then there is part of me that thinks maybe he just doesn't realize he is causing so much discomfort and pain for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you sure that a guy who treats his pregnant girlfriend, THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD, in such a horrible way....well, do you think he's a keeper?

I'm not going to sit here and blame you because you're preggo. Ahem. His inability to be flexible, inability to communicate, and unwillingness to help you out or even give you space when you ask for it......this is all on him. I'm a bit disgusted that it's been insinuated that all this is because you're off your meds. Yeah, "take your meds and dealing with a d-bag will be easier for you!" Sorry if this sounds harsh, but the things you describe about him have nothing to do with whether or notyou are medicated . (Your reaction may indeed, but those crappy qualities are on him!)

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I totally get and relate- but will not project my past situation into yours. I hope better for you guys and am here to chat anytime and offer support. Perhaps the support I could have used and my dude had a serious alcohol issue so its different. Focus on your health, your healing, the beauty that will soon be. Try not to focus on the fear. I also today am choosing some mindfulness and directed thought for the sake of comfort. Sometimes its like our directed thought acts like a magnet to draw what will be.. try to choose differently and grant yourself the space and quiet times rather than focusing on these fears. You are powerful, you are a creator and don't forget that. Don't give anyone control.. make your future. Start with you and the children, this is the purest love that exists. Let the waves pass through you and give it a little time. Be kind to yourself - if the dishes don't get done because you neglect them- so what.. either he will help out or it can wait till you are in a good and healthy place. Its better for you and the child. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...&mid=F6EEF70925F5C57803BDF6EEF70925F5C57803BD

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Of course a woman who is pregnant has hopes to work it out- that's why some choose to take advantage of the time and its not always meds- I am hopeful for you it can. Just stay relaxed- take care of you and your needs and maybe he will come around. Don't escalate the situations that won't benefit you right now..or the child..and probably not the relationship either. We are here for your sounding board with little investment just support.

 

[Sinkingxbelle]

I agree, I don't feel that this is my fault at all. I know I am hard to be with, and he has known since the beginning and chose to be with me despite my PTSD. I felt like before I got pregnant I would have to be medicated to even be with him or make things work at all, but I was confused because I felt this way with most people due to the fact I am severely agoraphobic and very fearful of everything. Paranoid and delusional is fair to say even. But he accepted me and we built a relationship off the fact he knew I was not okay and I probably never would be 100% emotionally okay like most people. I am a very mature and down to earth person, and I feel like he is selfish in every way. Example (small example and it should be no big deal) but he drank a full 2 litre of juice to himself knowing that my 5 year old would have no juice, and there would be none for anyone else. He will eat my things, speak to me disrespectfully constantly. As much as I brush it off and try to move on it all builds up and forms this opinion of him in my head, that he is selfish and only cares about himself. I feel this way due to the fact he has shown me time and time again he is unwilling to admit he is wrong even when he is out of line. I tried to tell him that he has repeat offended so much that now when he asks me to stop treating him like he is a child, I simply answer that if he doesn't want to be treated like one, he should try not to act like one. I feel like he is justifying his actions based on my anxiety level. IE "If you didn't treat me like this, or react like this, I wouldn't act like this" Which I think is wrong because the issue stems from his behavior towards me. I am controlling myself 100% more than I even have in me, and when I say that I am saying it heavily. I am literally taking every ounce out of me to control myself and stay calm and I can't even do that. :(

 

[Deleted member 24866]

would he be willing to do some couples therapy? Yet though I hate projecting I will for a moment, I found with couples therapy mine was still unwilling to put out effort- though he would hear them to a degree.. but not enough to change. And he is still the same to this day. Thank God the child is such a blessing.. ce la vie.

 

[Sinkingxbelle]

Couples therapy for us would be very expensive and I cannot afford it. I don't think any amount of explaining to him is going to help anything. He simply refuses to see anything from anyone else's point of view. :( It really hurts. It's complete ignorance on his part. I hope that my baby is okay, I worry every day due to my stress levels that he is not going to be okay and I am causing him damage being in this state.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Keep trying to relax.. we have amazing doctors these days. Mine was born premature 6 weeks- in another day and time either one or both of us actually would have died as I had full previa. Gotta have faith- and focus on you and him - more so than the situation if possible. If you live in MN, you can move in with me..lol and we can work together sister. Men sometimes think their actions do not matter - know what you are saying and just will try to urge you to find relaxation. I honestly don't know and may create a new thread to see if anyone else had had luck with the binaural beats. With a headache it disappears within minutes. Its theoretically supposed to over ride through sound your brain frequencies which fall into 5 categories.. to create desired effects. Its a form of meditation and in truth only works while listening- but you know being exposed to long periods of stress can alter brain chemistry. So temporarily over riding the stress frequently through meditation can help balance that chemistry and counter the effects of stress theoretically. I know what you are saying and see financial and security factors come into play- I get it! I am hoping you are able to find options, and just try to take it one day at a time and I know that's hard when you are expecting as you naturally want to nest.. I am sending prayers and support either way.