Helpless, Lost And Suicidal In My Relationship

[Deleted member 24866]

It thus far has worked out for me- its not easy.. but one day at a time. And in my case we were irreconcilable. Still a struggle.. but one day at a time. At least with him gone I am physically not being hurt- forced to move constantly- and can stay out of the hospital and maintain my job..thus security is increasing. These are hard days financially for many people.

 

[joeylittle]

@Sinkingxbelle - it actually sounds like you have a good handle on the problem, and that the problem really is him.

I am a very mature and down to earth person, and I feel like he is selfish in every way. Example (small example and it should be no big deal) but he drank a full 2 litre of juice to himself knowing that my 5 year old would have no juice, and there would be none for anyone else. He will eat my things, speak to me disrespectfully constantly.

Actually, I wouldn't call keeping food from a child 'no big deal'. It's a good example of the kind of selfish that he is. Since you can't afford counseling - and leaving doesn't seem to be right for you right now - can you find ways to minimize him, in your mind? He's being pretty shitty, but ultimately if you can temporarily accept that this is the way it is, your stress level might go down.

Please note - I'm saying 'temporarily'. His behavior isn't something you are going to be able to live with, long-term. But can you find a way to tune him out, not engage him in anything, don't depend on him, and just keep yourself to yourself? Ugh, just typing it feels gross. But I understand not being able to leave.

Leaving is the best option, in my opinion - and if you can find a way to do it, do it. But if you can't, you've got to mentally cut him loose.

 

[rightkindofme]

If you have a 5 year old then you have done the single mom thing. It is better to be single than to live with someone who tears you down. Better to kick him out than kill yourself.


I get it though. It was brutally hard going through pregnancy. Every hormone is off the chart.

 

[Friday]

1) You need to see your OB and tell them exactly what is going on. (See bolded bit below)

2) I know it's not very PC to even imply that a pregnant woman is not exactly as competent and capable as she is when she is not pregnant. (Unless you're on a parenting board, in which case every mom there will say... Honey. Hormones. You're out of your mind right now. Don't make any major decisions! This will all be over in a few months. Wait.) Everyone else on the planet outside of moms & OB's?

Everyone around me acts like I can control how I feel, and that I need to toughen up when truthfully I am trying 200% more than my very hardest. I am doing the best I can coping and every day is a nightmare.

So, PC or not... I was a raving lunatic when pregnant. Far beyond (the normal) hormones just making me cry at toilet paper commercials and thinking my husband hates me and I'm alone in the world (which is all normal). Pretty much every single decision I made was the wrong one, and my entire outlook on life? Pfft. Completely freaking not who I am, whatsoever. To say I was impaired understates the case. Add in antepartum depression ? (Which is exactly like postpartum depression & psychosis, but the hormones trigger it during pregnancy, not after pregnancy) I can barely even begin to describe how completely off my head I was. Lemme put it this way... My OB and I had to come up with an action plan for any future pregnancies which included a 6 month hospital stay.

Was I an extreme case? Yep. Is that actually abnormal? Nope. Approximately 70% of women suffer from some form of depression during pregnancy. And approximately 30% (of that 70%) end up at my level. That's roughly 43% of all pregnant women (if I did the math right! 30x100/70) are effing nuts. By our own standards.

Does that mean "women" shouldn't / couldn't et cetera? Nope. But so many idiots have said so, and women have fought for so long against that... That unless you're in an ideal situation, most women flat out refuse help when they need it. They're strong modern women! They're not going to be brought down by a normal biological function! They're awesome! They're in charge! They're strong modern women! Strong modern women! Stroooooooong. <gulp> Modern. <gasp> Waaaaaaaaaah :cry: :arghh; :cry:

Please. I very much urge you to seek help from your OB immediately.


((Editing this into 2 posts for readability. This one up here is my experience. The one below my observation.))

 

[Friday]

I hope you're reading this in a good place, because as a mom with PTSD & Antepartum depression... I'm going to be really straight with you: (bold & organization is mine)

You are at risk to yourself & your baby

• I have been taken off my medication with this pregnancy and since my PTSD has gotten so bad I am in a constant state of panic and anxiety. I jump at every little thing.
• due to the fact I am severely agoraphobic and very fearful of everything. Paranoid and delusional is fair to say even.
• I am very suicidal and I think about it every day... I feel like it's my only option at this point.
• I feel lost and helpless because this happens once every couple days.

So not "just" the hormones which can & do cause suicidal depression & violent psychosis, which is enough -believe me- but also the huge burden of being off meds. Honey. I've been there. This isn't something you have to just tough out on your own.

& You are abusing your boyfriend.

• I feel like a lot of my anger is directed very strongly due to the fact I am constantly terrified due to the suffering I endured during my last relationship.
• When I am triggered my brain shuts down and I either turn self destructive on myself or I will become violent towards him
• I told him for his own safety he needs to leave when I tell him to leave the house because I will end up hurting him or myself and I would never want that!
• (small example and it should be no big deal) but he drank a full 2 litre of juice tohimself
• when he asks me to stop treating him like he is a child, I simply answer that if he doesn't want to be treated like one, he should try not to act like one.
• IE "If you didn't treat me like this, or react like this, I wouldn't act like this" Which I think is wrong because the issue stems from his behavior towards me.
• I feel lost and helpless because this happens once every couple days.

- PTSD stuff here, misattributing and mixing up your current relationship with your last
- Abusing your boyfriend is never okay.
- Neither is threatening him with physical harm if he doesn't do what you want him to do
- i know you intended this example the other way around...but you have become so hyper controlling the man isn't "allowed" to. drink. juice. You recognize that at first, and then go off on it. :(
- You say it yourself : "If you didn't treat me like this, I wouldn't act like this" is not okay.
- You're doing the exact same thing to him, by continuing to treat him like a child, and threatening him with violence when he doesn't leave the house when you asl.
- This is in both columns, because what you're doing to yourself, and what you're doing to him are cyclic. Which is probably a helluva cocktail between hormones and PTSD. My own psychosis came on daily for 2-3 hours.

I cannot underscore enough, that you need to seek help from your OB. There are medications that are safe for pregnancy. Failing that, you might need to use my best option and be hospitalized on bed rest for a few months. Suicide is NOT your only option. That's the depression lying to you.

None of this is any reflection on what kind of person or mom you are, nor what kind of man your boyfriend is (I have no idea, and quite frankly, right now doubt you do either). This is antepartum depression (just like PPD), coupled with out of control PTSD... And you deserve help with it. Just like moms with PPD deserve help with it. Please. Please. Please. See your OB. Phone them right now. Tell them you've been told being suicidal every day rates an emergency phone call to discuss antepartum depression. Please. Best of luck to you. With all my heart.

 

[Sinkingxbelle]

I disagree with you that I am abusing him, I never ever let it get to the point that I would hurt him, I have not threatened him whatsoever but when he is at me and triggering me in the middle of a major anxiety attack, he is going to have to leave due to respect to me and not making me worse. I didn't know it was abusive to ask for my emotions to be respected and not abused at his own will. I agree with everything else you have said, but if you knew me you would understand that when I go into a panic attack I often black out and become unable to control my actions, I act out of fear. Do I ever get to that point, Not often. Could he potentially PUSH me to that point if he continues to be nasty and disrespectful to me and my emotions, YES. So I have a right to tell him, you need to leave you are making me worse, I have a right to avoid feeling unsafe due to him triggering me. I am sorry but I deeply disagree.

 

[rightkindofme]

Being in a black out does not excuse violence towards him. The only thing that would excuse violence towards him is if you were preventing him from hitting you.

Your emotions do not give you the right to hit people. Ever. That is abuse.

 

[ihateusernames]

I know it's not very PC to even imply that a pregnant woman is not exactly as competent and capable as she is when she is not pregnant. (Unless you're on a parenting board, in which case every mom there will say... Honey. Hormones. You're out of your mind right now. Don't make any major decisions! This will all be over in a few months.

^This. Honey. Hormones. Make you f*cking crazy. I hated my husband with a firey passion while I was pregnant with my now toddler. I couldn't stand the smell of him, the sight of him, his voice. Everything he did made me roll my eyes in disgust and think about how childish he was and what a horrible parent he was going to be.

That's not to say that your fiance isn't an ass. I don't know. It may also be best to get rid of him. I don't know. I just know our perceptions can be way off while we're pregnant. Please re-read her posts and try to push aside any offense you may take. There are ways to help you cope with this. There are medications that you can take among other things. Lots and lots of counseling is what it took for me to not push my husband out of a moving vehicle. There are options.

 

[rightkindofme]

My husband wrote a lot of sad, introspective, "Am I being abused" posts on his journal when I was pregnant. I was pretty evil.

 

[Lilisr]

I can understand where you’re coming from. You’re struggling to keep your PTSD under control but your partner doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is for you and how he is affecting you with his actions. I’m sorry you are going through this difficulty, especially with no medication, pregnant and with a 5 year old depending on you. It’s hard.

But I believe you can get through this. From your post, I know you are strong. I know you want to make it work. You are directly asking for help. I am so very proud of the effort you have put in to make it work.

I know you care about your fetus that’s why you’re off medication. I know you care about your 5 year old, just because you’re a mother. I’m speaking as a mother. I know you will try everything in your ability and NEVER GIVE UP. There are 2 lives depending on you. I’m not a religious person but I believe if there is a god, he will only give you what he thinks you can handle. Take comfort in that.

If your partner does not understand, at this very difficult period can you please live with your parents first? Or your close friend? This is so you can work it out from a place of neutrality. Not when you are on your own , stressed at home.

All the best and never give up.

lilisr