Sexual Assault Repeating Rape

[Meadowsweet]

I have been raped as a child and as a teenager and as an adult. But I believe that my response to rape as a teenager and as an adult added to it going that far. Inside I'm saying 'I want this to stop but I don't know how to stop it' but the no's that I have given are so weak and pathetic because I am dissociating. It makes me feel better to have a name for it - I no longer beat myself up for not shouting louder or for not putting enough effort in to stop it, but it's such a secret that I never talk about because people don't understand rape in this way.

I can't remember who my childhood abuser was, they weren't in my life past the age of 7, and it is just the horror and feeling pain and shadows of people that I remember, not well known faces or who they were or how they came to be in a position to do that to me. But it feels like it keeps repeating as if to remind me of the past. Sometimes I even think that in a law of attraction way, I make it happen by not dealing with it enough.

Whether it is or not, it hurts that I feel I won't ever know enough of what happened as a kid to fully understand why or how that happened, as that is how I have dealt with other things in life - by trying to understand why. So it's like I am left with the memories of when I was older, and they all hold an element of being my fault - not for the rape itself, I know that is their choice to do that to me - but for putting myself in the circumstances that gave them the opportunity to rape me.

I'm sorry if that sounds horrible to read, I just wanted to talk about it for once.

 

[Mallaky]

Hello :)

I believe you are victim blaming yourself. :hug:

It is really, absolutely, and profoundly not your fault. I am no expert on the matter, but that I know for sure. I once read, that victims blame themselves to maintain the illusion of controll. But the fact is, they were without controll. That, more then anything else, makes a victim a victim. Contrast that to the abuser, the perpetrator, who were in absolute controll. Who violently, and without regards for others, forced their will. They could have not done, what they did, a million times easier then you could have stopped them. By simply not doing it.

It is not your fault.

 

[Chava]

I relate a lot to this and have also blamed myself a lot. Repeat victimization is a confusing reality. First, my boundaries were completely missing. So I'd let really wrong people in too close. Then I'd say "No" and fight a little to keep my pants but turn into a dead fish within a few seconds. Honestly their was no hope of fighting...I'm a small wimp (now I'm into weapons and insanely rigid boundaries and walls, which is far from a great answer, but it's where I'm at).

The one that sent me over the deep end was like this (I had my first suicide attempt within the following week). I went limp, then felt horrid and disgusting, then blacked out so I don't really even know what happened. I just had scrapes and was dirty. I didn't want to remember the rest of it but it was also terrible not knowing. I just felt very poisoned and wanted to die.

I don't think there is an easy way around this stuff. I spaced out during sex with boyfriends after that...and was usually dumped for it, so the terrible feelings didn't quit. Now I won't even date. Sorry for the shitty story here. I know others have gotten through this stuff. I'm just saying I relate to all the feelings and I think it's good you can connect this to earlier stuff, not blame yourself, and write it out. Early shutdown and body invasions sort of made later traumas worse for me...boundary wise and response wise. This isn't uncommon at all, sadly. If I meet someone I really care about some day I hope I will be able to work through it. It's really hard to take the first step and even seem mildly approachable or interested in others.

 

[Kintsugi]

I absolutely relate to this.

I am lucky in that the first time I was raped as a teenager, although I wound up dissociating terribly, he did admit that he raped me that day. He never fully owned the rest, but it is a source of comfort that he admitted what happened, that he knew it while it was happening, even though I wasn't "really" fighting.

I think your abusers knew, too.

Just two cents from someone who has been there. (((Meadowsweet)))

 

[shell]

I froze when I was raped as a teenager, dissociated and was unable to scream or even remember what happened to me the next day, in my nightmares I relive this over and over again, that I am about to be attacked and all I have to do is reach out and lock the car door and I will be safe, but I can't because I am frozen and can't move.

I don't think you make it happen by not doing enough, although I can understand why it would help to feel that way, because it would make me feel in control of what happened in a situation where I can't have control, but I thinks it helps to remember without intention there can be no rape.

 

[Jane.l]

At the time of your first abuse or rape, unconsciously your fear/survival response kicks in, this is not a choice or decision It is automatic and your brain then makes an unconcious choice how best to protect you, most often it will choose freeze or flop as this has the best outcome for you not getting physically hurt, this temporarily knocks out the thinking, speaking function,( frontal cortex) often causing dissociation.

The next time you encounter this situation, your brain will very quickly shut down your thinking part of the brain and switch to the option that was successful last time, freeze/flop. The more often this is successfully utilised the more often its used if that makes sense? So then perhaps even talking about the rape/abuse will flip the brain into fear response and freeze mode and often dissasociation.

So you couldn't have done more, your brain does what it does to try to protect you and ensure your survival .

 

[Friday]

My first rape I fought like hell. I'm 6 feet tall. I was a combat marine. I'd been an athlete for nearly 20 years. Absolutely anyone can be overpowered. I was outnumbered, out fought, and outclassed. It did not go well.

The ones after that? Meh. First time is pretty devastating. The ones after I did as felt right at the time. Which varied wildly depending on the circumstance.

Some were more my 'fault' than others.

I hate to say that there is something of a learning curve... But for me, at least, there was something of a learning curve.

The biggest thing I've learned is that rape isn't about sex. It's about power. Which means that it escalates to homicide & worse very, very, quickly. You survived? You did the exact right thing. I don't know what that thing was, but it was the exact right thing to do, at that time, period.

Im serious about the learning curve. I was held for awhile and so I "got" to try all the "what ifs" that plague so many people. The "what ifs"? Universally make things much, much worse. Whatever I do naturally, in that moment? Whatever it is you did? That's the thing to do. Everything else my brain can come up with is only gonna make things worse. Much. Much. Worse. You survived? You did good.

 

[RussH]

I just wanted to chime in and say ladies I am truly sorry you have endured this. No woman, or man, for that matter should have to endure being raped once, much less multiple times.
The men who do this are lower than pond scum, and should be put in the ground.
I hope you are able to find your healing.

 

[ihateusernames]

Inside I'm saying 'I want this to stop but I don't know how to stop it' but the no's that I have given are so weak and pathetic because I am dissociating. It makes me feel better to have a name for it - I no longer beat myself up for not shouting louder or for not putting enough effort in to stop it, but it's such a secret that I never talk about because people don't understand rape in this way.

I completely relate to this. When I was raped I fought until my clothes were off. Then I shut down. It was almost like I was outside of myself for the remainder. I never gave consent, but I gave up fighting. And until recently I wouldn't allow myself to call it rape because I didn't fight to the death or scream or hurt him in some way. But I imagine it's never enough. Women who run screaming, who are knocked unconscious, probably still find a way to blame themselves. :(

After that I also dissociated during normal sex, and like you I had no name for it until now. I also allowed myself to get into a lot of situations that I didn't want to be in and did a lot of things that I didn't really want to do. I also ignored clear warning signs and trusted people that I knew I shouldn't and was assaulted several times, although not raped again, because of that.

None of it is our fault. For many of the reasons already discussed, it's our brain, trying to protect us. Becoming passive, spacing out, those are defense mechanisms. Sometimes they get all out of whack and activate while we're engaging in in what should be enjoyable, consensual activities, and sometimes they fail to when we're in the back room alone with creepy bosses.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. Through therapy and from speaking on here, I know the words 'it's not your fault' well and will say that and mean it to others.

When I was a teenager I was drinking with a group of girls and some older lads said they were having a party. If I hadn't have been there, I wouldn't have been raped. But, I guess it is something that lots of teenagers do, and if I hadn't been raped, all these years later I probably wouldn't blame myself for being there.

But then I was in a violent relationship and consensual sex in that kind of relationship isn't healthy, like it's done to prove you love someone or to make him happy because that's what he wants. As some others have mentioned in this thread, in consensual sex I've never been fully present, I space out and drift off. It's never been for the right reasons = because I feel like I want intimacy, it's been to fulfil a role.

that it escalates to homicide & worse very, very, quickly. You survived? You did the exact right thing.

Thank you for sharing your story, though am sorry that you have experienced what you have. But it struck a chord with me. The last traumatic experience I had is complex. The man was a friend that suffered with mental health issues, he had said he was feeling really depressed, so I had invited to mine for a couple of days (he lived miles away, so it was normal for him to stay) - I guess that is a nice thing to do, it should be seen as me being kind and caring for a friend. But when he got there, it became clear that he was experiencing a lot more than depression - he started following me from room to room and standing close behind me watching me, I tried to make light of it, but he stayed quite serious. Then he began talking like he imagined himself to be an all seeing god. Then he started telling me what to do, when I said I was ok as I am (not doing it) he didn't threaten me, but he had a menace in his voice and told me to do it again - and that's all it took for me to dissociate and give up any disagreeing.

So afterwards I cut any contact with him, but I blamed my own weakness for giving in to him. Next time I saw him was at a mutual friends house, He asked me if I was sleeping with any of the men there, and I said no and walked away from him, and he became psychotic and went for me. He didn't rape me then, but he nearly killed me. And my fears over that weren't just of the violent attack, but became linked to the 'what if' of the first attack. It felt more and more that I had really been in danger when I gave in.

My therapist did say this to me, but when I disclosed what had happened to a friend, she asked me if I felt guilt because I din't say no, and she compared it to a time she felt guilty for having one night stands. So I feel very conscious that although a therapist might say that I gave in and dissociated because I was responding to the danger of the situation, many other people will think of me like that friend did.

 

[keep-dancing]

I would first like to sympathise and send my genuine compassion and care for all of you who have encountered such horror. Forums like this are truly helpful, and I would like to point it out as someone who has been diagnosed with multiple PTSD. At 11, I was locked in a basement by a friend from school who forced himself on me. A little bit of me died that day, I remember very well thinking of the 'embarrassment' I would feel going back to school the next day. I spent a few years in boys' company, but didn't want any physical contact with them. I had no idea how wounded I was.

Then I started dating, fell in love, as you do when you're 15 and discovered the joy of "a healthy fun sex life". My boyfriend and I kept on being on and off, i knew that he was seeing other girls but I kept on lying to myself and acting like it was fine. Then one day, at his house, two of his friends came round and everything went wrong. They filmed themselves whilst they nailed me on the bed, stripped me down and started hitting me and putting objects inside me. These included a pool queue and I still to this day cannot describe the pain. I was completely out of body, seeing myself being treated in a way so dark that even animal rights would jump on the case. When they brought out a knife, my mind seemed to click and I manage to escape to the closest room I could lock, the bathroom. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't understand what was going on, my body was shaking but my mind was fully blank. I guess was genuinely scared. He forced the door open and after several attempts of me kicking him I 'gave up' as many of us say and let him hold me and apologize on how bad things had turned. His friends came in, but not to apologize. To put washing liquid in my eyes so I couldn't see, and pour piss on me that they had filled up a bottle with.

They spat on me, dragged me to the floor and I couldn't stop yelling mainly because of the horrific pain in my eyes. They were only a bit older than me and I think it's only then that they realized I could actually go blind and decided to help me up and rinse my eyes. I left and didn't tell anyone for 3 years. I moved to a different country, made a 'happy' life for myself but was constantly scared. It's been ten years and I'm still scared.

I go to therapy every week and still can't walk to the supermarket outside my house alone. I have nightmares, insomnia, suicidal thoughts and several substances addictions. As im typing, I'm in a steady relationship with a man I love but still don't know what it means. Sex for me as become so trivial as I spent the last ten years treating my body like garbage because I honestly struggle to see the beauty in it. And i know that if you saw me, you'd believe, like most people that I have everything in life and nothing to be sad about. I know I'm an attractive, slim, successful and clever woman and yet I spend most my nights hitting a wall with my fists if I don't find anything to take my mind of it. And what takes my mind of it? Having sex, or taking drugs. my idea of losing control I guess. I'm not saying it doesn't get better, it does. The real trick is not to go for quick fixes and avoidance because they come and bite you in the ass when you least expect it. I don't know if anyone is ever going to read this, but I hope with all my heart that we all find our peace and keep our heads up. Rape is not natural, unlike death, which I encountered many times around my loved ones. With assault, you wonder 'why me?' and that is the toughest part. There's no answer.Work hard, learn, take it one step at a time and don't let anyone refer to your past as 'baggage'. Just keep on thriving to become the best person you can be, it's the best result you can achieve.

 

[Mallaky]

Thank you for sharing keep-dancing.

I am speechless from your experience and inspired by your courage.