General How Do I...?

[xxarmywifexx]

How do I handle/prepare myself for the daily ups and downs?

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD about 3 years ago. I feel like I'm challenged everyday with something new. My health is starting to be effected by this...everthing from migranes to eye twitches...I need help.

Some ideas on how to deal with it would be nice :wall:

xxarmywifexx

 

[Deleted member 541]

Your husband is the one with PTSD!!!!! This isn't your disorder. You need to take care of yourself. YOU should be your first priority. If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.


A couple of questions.....

Does your husband expect too much from you or have you set yourself up to take on to much??

Is he in therapy?

Are you in therapy??

Dealing with PTSD isn't easy. I am a sufferer of it and I know. I can't imagine how difficult it is for carers...

I also know that it is possible for your husband to get better. But it takes tons of work, self discipline, and time....

 

[xxarmywifexx]

She Cat,

First off I would like to thank you for your response to my post.

To answer your questions:


Does your husband expect too much from you or have you set yourself up to take on to much?? The dynamic in our relationship is such that I feel like I have to do a lot to keep the peace in our home. Not because of his PTSD is a problem with me and him...but because it is a problem with him and his family. They don't understand it fully and don't understand boundries. I am the primary "breadwinner" of the family so he is at home 24/7 with our children (they are in no danger, I assure you)...in short his family lives near by and drops by often and causes trouble...this is my main concern and that is why I'm always on edge. I want them to leave him alone. They are part of his problem.

Is he in therapy? He in therapy and also starting the process for VOC-REHAB through the VA.

Are you in therapy? No, and only because I havn't been at my job long enough to recieve these benefits. They will soon kick in and I will finda therapist. I have been diagnosed with depression, but I'm starting to get a lot of flashbacks of mistreatment in my childhood...due to molestation and neglect. The fostercare system is brutal...:(

I'm having to deal with a lot. But what really keeps me going are my children. They are my main focus. I do need to take care of myself. I have a few friends and do a few things I like to do still, but my main problem is time. By the time I get home from work I'm beat and just want to lay down and go to sleep. It's hard to tell my husband "NO, I dont want to go out when he has had a long day at home and he feels "good enough" to go out with me. I'm just tired...I'm in my own depression most of the time.

I know its going to take a lot of time and effort for my husband to get better. He has his own hobbies that he does at home. He loves to woodworking, plant growing, and computer games. Like I said he takes care of our children and does a wonderful job. He is getting our 3 year old potty trained and she will be going to school in the fall. I'm so proud of him and I tell him so everyday.

I hope this answered your question, you certainly answered mine. Thanks :)

 

[Deleted member 541]

Armywife,

I also work so I know about the exhausted feeling when you come home. Find time for you, even if it's 15-30 minutes a day. Go for a walk, take a bubble bath, read a couple of chapters in a book. Anything that you enjoy, just take that time for YOU!!!! You need to de-stress too.

I'm not sure what to say about the family issue, that's a hard one, and one that your husband may need to address, ait's his family. You may want to talk to him about your concerns if possible and see what solutions you both can come up with. It sounds as if boundaries may need to be established with his family..

Good luck!!!

 

[xxarmywifexx]

She Cat,

Yes, boundries do need to be established. He and I have talked with them several times. They still don't understand. I've given his parents articals, books and even a link to this very forum to read up on this. They seem to think this is like a cold he has. They are sadly mistaken. They also have a lot of bagage with eachother which doesn't help. I see the way they opperate. His mom, hids a lot of stuff from his dad...I guess to protect him :dontknow:? Who knows I just hate it when she does that with my husband and I because when we find out what she lied to us about...more often then not its not something big at all. So it makes me feel like she thinks I'm stupid and it gets to be a bigger deal then it had to be in the begining. Ugg...:crazy:.

The other part of it is our 3 year old loves her grandparents...So I feel like I shouldn't take that away from her just because we have an issue with them...so I let her go and be with them for a few hours. Well, a few hours turns into 8 very quickly and they bring her home so late. I talk to them about this and they tell me..."I don't have a scheduale, why should she?" You and I both know kids need a scheduale and stability its not that I'm being a meany...I just want my kid in bed by 8:30pm. So in short my husband doesn't want them to have her. He doesn't want her to have that in her life. So I'm stuck in the middle really. Everyday is the same thing. Ugg...sorry I'm just venting at this point.

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Deleted member 541]

armywife,

It really does sound like the grandparents are really pushing the boundaries with you and hubby. I agree that your daughter should be able to visit her grandparents, but...... You and your husband should really try and set some kind of boundaries with them as far as your wishes are concerned. if you want your daughter home at a certain hour then the grandparents are being disrespectful of you and your husband, they are undermining your parenting, and sending a bad signal to your daughter.....

I do hope that you can come to some kind of a solution that will ease the stress of all of this....

 

[xxarmywifexx]

:occasion:

Couldn't have said it better myself, She Cat. I talk to them all the time about these issues and his mom is the kind of person that laughs things off. I don't know if its nervas laughter or denial laughter...hell, is there a difference. She doens't let to much effect her and when it does her cop out is "your hurting my feelings" or "your making me choose between my job and my granddaughter (they own there own buisness and as a result have no time with the kids) this usually ends a phone call in a hang-up on her end and I don't hear from her for days. She also likes to solve problems between my husband and her with money. Buying him and my daughters all kinds of things after we have our arguements.

I had to get away from my adoptive family because of the other extreme. I don't want him to lose his family. I just want them to wise up and not blow him off when he sez he is in pain or that he can't deal with a situation at a certain time. Or at least hear the fact that he feels he was abused by his father all his life until he went into the service.

On another note:

Today was a sad day...I think I lost my best friend in the whole world. She doesn't understand my husbands illness. As a result of having a bad down day I cancelled my plans with her cause we had to deal with some issues. ...and she is not talking to me. How do I explain PTSD to someone who doesn't understand? I have lost a great friend. My husband told me maybe she wasn't a good friend after all if she is a mad at me for this situation. Any suggestions on how I should deal with this? :think:

I'm just sad I lost my best friend of 5 years today

 

[Deleted member 541]

People that don't have PTSD can't understand it unless they reaaly want to, and even then they have a hard time. Honestly I think it's quite impossible to understand us. They have to be a certain type of person with a huge amount of patience to stick around.

As for your friend.....I too lost my best friend of 25 yrs last Oct because she couldn't or didn't want to understand either. Things were fine between us, until I needed her for emotional support, she couldn't be there for me. It hurts terribly but I now know that our friendship wasn't a true friendship.

I'm not sure that you will ever be able to make his family understand anything. Maybe limiting time that your daughter spends with them will help??? It's a tough situation.....

 

[xxarmywifexx]

To update you on my friend situation:

She wrote me back stating that everytime we are together my husband has to start drama as to prevent her from coming over. Told me that she felt he hated her and that he doesn't let me have a life or friends.

Is that what outsiders see? I did nothing but cry all weekend about this. I love her so much and the last thing I want her to feel is that my husband hates her personally. He just hates life right now cause everything is so scary for him. I couldn't explain it to her if I could. I wrote her back and told her that PTSD is really hard to understand. Assured her that he didn't hate her...she was one of the 2 witnesses at our wedding. Why would he hate her? I also told her that this "drama" that she speaks of is constant I just choose not to share it because we don't speak that often and I don't want to spend the whole time talking about PTSD.

She means the world to me and the last thing I want is for this illness to get in the way of my friendship with her.

I'm so sorry to hear about the 25 year friendship disolving. Even if in the end it wasn't a true one. 25 years is a long time to be friends with someone and takes an emotional toll. Heck, why am I telling you that?...you already know. LOL.

My In-Laws:

Crazy is what they are. I think I am going to limit them on the time they spend with her. She will be going to pre-k soon so this will help keep her occupied and she will make friends. Only a few more months of this craziness.


Thanks for replying to my thread :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Cowgirl]

To update you on my friend situation:

She wrote me back stating that everytime we are together my husband has to start drama as to prevent her from coming over. Told me that she felt he hated her and that he doesn't let me have a life or friends.

Is that what outsiders see?

Is that the reality of it? How often are you able to get together with her? How often, when you do, does something happen to trigger your DH? Sometimes those close to us see things as they are. It helps, sometimes, to step back from a situation and look at it from a different perspective. Your friend has known you a long time. Your friend cares about you. And maybe, your friend has a valuable insight that you should consider.

Your stress is in large part, it seems to me, because your DH reacts in a PTSD manner and then you react, and get drug into the emotional quagmire. Sometimes, for the carer's own emotional health, the carer needs to let the PTSD sufferer react and just step away. I don't mean LEAVE him. I just mean that sometimes when he is doing his thing, you might be better off getting together with your friend for some YOU time, rather than getting sucked into his emotional issue.

Just a thought. I've been there for awhile with my DH.

 

[xxarmywifexx]

It's been 6 months and he doesn't hate her. If I can ask what is DH?

The thing is I don't have to much time on my own or with my family. I work all the time and when I'm home I like to sleep, eat and clean house. We go on outings together and that is where it ends. You are right I need to take care of myself. Thank you for the advice. I can't tell you how much I appriciate your response.

*hug*

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Deleted member 541]

Armywife,

I wonder if your husband IS causing drama so that your friend will stay away and not come over NOT because he hates her, but because of the PTSD.

With PTSD it's hard for us to engage in socializing. It's hard for us to have our privacy invaded. It's hard for us to have change. Sometimes our paranoia runs wild and we *think* things that aren't as they are.

I wonder too if her feels that because you do work a lot and don't have much time for him and your family if he feels that what time you do have should be spent with him???

There are a bunch of possibilities, but I think that the best way to know would be to have a talk with your husband and see exactly how he feels about your friend and the time that you do spend with her. Unless you are completely ignoring your family and husband there is nothing wrong with spending sometime with your friend.....

I hope you can work this out....